Lieing Jerk!

I have a confession to make, and many of you probably know this already but I don’t go to my nutritionist anymore.

I still see my therapist weekly, but I didn’t think it was super helpful to drive 30 minutes after work, fork over the co-pay and listen to things I pretty much already know.

“Eat more, stop counting calories, increase your fats, gain weight.”

Simple, and yet so difficult to do.

I also love my dietician.

In fact I think she is a an awesome lady and I enjoy talking with her, but I decides between my knowledge base, and feeling like I was constantly disappointing her by not utilizing the information both she and I know is essential for recovery, I was just wasting both our time.

Anyway, that being said, I haven’t known my weight or progress for a very long time.

I got weighed at the doctor’s office a few weeks ago when I visited for a physical, but I always weigh blind in those situations because my practitioner is not an ED specialist and doesn’t really know how to support me if I have a break down about the number in the office.

Best to avoid those triggering scenarios whenever possible.

Ryan used to weigh me, but months ago we came to the agreement that this was not the best idea either.

He is my husband not my nurse, and whatever digits appeared on the scale, always made one of us upset.

Again, best to avoid that if possible.

Wednesday morning, however, he busted out the hidden scale.

“Why are we doing this?” I asked, because I personally did not want to start my day feeling judged by a piece of equipment on my bathroom floor.

“I want to know where you are and I want you to know where you are before I leave for Colorado.”

On a side note Ryan is leaving next week to visit his brother. He tends to panic a bit before he goes because I am notorious for doing poorly when he is absent for any length of time and I typically deny this or claim I am doing fine…the scale is his proof and gauge for my progress. Sad, but necessary.

He also wanted to disprove my fears that I am gaining at this exponential and uncontrollable rate, and that I in fact DO need a higher meal plan to ever get to our goals.

I stood backwards and stepped on.

To be honest, I really did not want to know because I anticipated some ridiculously high number.

He did not tell me what the exact interger was, but he did compare it with the reading from a few months ago when we went through this same process.

He was right.

I (ED) was wrong.

I should really learn never to trust that pesky negative voice that plays constantly in my head because my body has not changed near as much as I imagined.

I feel better, because my diet is more varied and I am consuming more, but it still isn’t enough.

I kind of took this as good news because I again like food.

I am HUNGRY.

I am tired and don’t push myself in my walks to go to a majorly high incline or walk faster, which is something I did do before even though I wasn’t technically supposed to.

I am trying to respond to my cravings and needs and the number today confirmed I can do that without ballooning to a million pounds.

It was as if Ryan (and the scale) gave me permission to eat.

Not that I, or anyone, should need someone else to tell them it is ok to have nourishment. It is a basic necessity that everyone, just like the description implies, NEEDS, but I have had trouble “justifying” that idea for myself.

“My body can’t have that many calories, it will just become even more of a whale.”

“I am the exception to the rest of the world and carbohydrates will go right to my thighs and they will expand instantaneously.”

“I MUST exercise everyday or I am a big fat loser.”

Do any of these things sound familiar to you?

I am really sad if they do because I know how torturous they are.

What is my point?

ED beliefs are bogus.

This is nothing new, and there are plenty of people out there who don’t think in the stupidly distorted way my brain likes to work, but I am trying to reiterate this to myself on a daily, secondly, basis so I don’t act out in ways that seem to be more natural than me taking care of me.

I hate this disease more than anything, but anyone who has gone through it, or is currently in the turmoil, will tell you, it is a constant battle…regardless of how sick and tired I am of being sick and tired.

ED, you are a liar and I don’t want to listen anymore.

What I Wish I Knew

Recovery is tricky.

Ed loves to tell me I am doing better than what I really am.

He will often mask himself as something completely different to penetrate into moments when I think I am at my strongest.

And many times, things that normally seem “really bad” are actually fantastic signs of progress.

Sounds kind of confusing, right?

Let me explain.

I received a few e-mails about my experiences with edema, and if you want a pretty good scientific explanation of WHY it happens to some during their journeys, I suggest you visit (http://www.gwynetholwyn.com/blog/2012/5/22/edema-the-bane-and-blessing-of-the-recovery-process.html)

*FYI this entire site is an amazing resource! Take some time to browse if you are ever in need of support.

Anyway, this particular inquisition got me thinking…..

I have been through this process more times than I would like to admit; re-feeding, malnourishment, the whole gosh darn cycle that just never seems to end (IT WILL THOUGH, I have faith 🙂 )

But in those times I have noticed patterns that might be a little bit scary for someone who is completely new to “getting healthy,” and isn’t quite sure what to expect or what they signal.

Granted, not everyone’s situation is going to be the same, and my path is certainly not identical to other’s I have met who also were in recovery, but maybe by me telling you my discoveries, it will decrease the amount of anxiety that can arise from the changes that occur.

1. Edema

Since I opened with the subject of Edema, I figured it was appropriate to tell you a little bit about this uncomfortable side-effect.

Not everyone I know gets it, but edema is water retention.

Like I said, look to Gwyneth’s wise words if you want a way better medical description of what will happen but for me personally it does not matter if I decrease my salt intake to a morsel, my lower abdomen and legs swell like crazy sometimes.

It happens several times a month, most viciously around my menstrual cycle, but when it happens I always have a mental breakdown thinking I miraculously ballooned up overnight.

Obviously I didn’t but ED likes me to think so.

DON’T RESTRICT! It only makes it worse.

I know this from doing it myself…”oh I will just eat a little less tomorrow and slowly the weight will come off…”

Totally not the right way of thinking, and chances are you will wake up with bigger ankles if you decide a few hundred calories cut from your meal plan is no big deal, so I would advise staying on track.

2. Sweating

Maybe this sounds gross?

I don’t like to sweat unless I am engaging in some sort of physical activity that I actually anticipate perspiration, but if you suddenly start waking in the middle of the night a little wet, take this as the ultimate sign your metabolism is kicking back in.

Normally this happens to those who are on a pretty high calorie meal plan; usually for me it would be in the first few weeks of hospitalization, but lately I have been having these ridiculous hot flashes like I am a woman going through menopause.

If you know me at all, you will almost always see me next to a space heater, or wrapped in several layers because I am cold 99.9% of my life, but the other day in the car I literally could not stand the temperature and cranked the AC to full blast.

Ryan looked at me like I was insane because typically I am turning all the little vents away from me, and frantically pressing the seat-heat button because I am frigid, but between me kicking off the covers and stripping down to my undies in the middle of the night, and my sporadic needs for maximum cold air, it is a pretty good sign that recovery is in full-swing.

Yay for the few months of warmth I am experiencing!!

3. Stomach cramping and other TMI gastro-intestinal fun stuff

I will definitely not got into detail here, but if you once restricted your intake, it is pretty likely your digestive tract weakened.

As soon as this stuff starts to function again, you can expect some discomfort, but also some relief.

All this means is your body is accepting and appreciating nourishment.

4. SLEEP! and exhaustion

Aside from waking up in the middle of the night to change clothes, my sleep lately has been pretty darn awesome.

I have had a sinus infection, which I think adds to this, but my body is literally SO tired it barely wants to move.

It is playing catch-up; repairing years of damage that needs to be fixed in order for me to live as a fully operating healthy young woman.

Naps are my new favorite afternoon activity and although at one time I would have called this completely lazy, I now label it as “responsible.”

I am taking care of myself by responding when both my physical and mental self say “REST.”

This is not my body rebelling against me, punishing me and making me into a flat blob. It is my body saying, “I forgive you and we will get through this.”

5. Insane cravings, mood-swings, emotional outbursts, etc.

I have spent some time on all these things before so I won’t go into great detail, but remember that you are basically learning to re-live as an individual MINUS Ed.

It is absolutely normal, and encouraged for people to have emotions.

Food is delicious and should be celebrated rather than feared, so if you really like pizza and want it every day for a few weeks, who cares?!

(I know that happens to be one of my current obsessions!)

Eventually all these things will settle down and it will all seem more routine but for now, recovery is a journey of self-discovery.

Your body is trying to trust you again, you need to heal from the inside out, and in my opinion it is much more fun to try and go with it rather than judge every day as horrific.

I have done that mentality and it just makes everything worse.

Hopefully this provided some assistance for the scary aspects of the process, but if you have any questions please consult a doctor, ask for help, anything but revert back to ED who seems like your best friend and ally.

Again, I have been down that road and its never good; the glimmers of LIFE I am starting to experience are the best motivation to keep on truckin’ and they only are possible with persistence.

The City Of Love

I think I might be going through withdrawal.

I didn’t realize how much I used my computer until it was gone! Not just for blog purposes, obviously, but e-mails, work catch-up for school, finding information, etc. I really miss the normal size screen of my laptop compared to the tininess of the i-phone.

I mean, thank gosh I am not completely out of touch due to my handy-dandy mobile device but my eyesight absolutely cannot wait to have the good old Dell back.

I have also really missed reading about the lives of others, and writing about my own.

Sounds weird, but I find this community very therapeutic and as I have said before, I appreciate the support and inclusion of this wonderful group.

Fortunately my momma is home for a few days and she was gracious enough to let me use her computer to get my journaling “fix,” as well as sneak a peak at some of my regular sites. It appears like everyone had some pretty fabulous weekends!

And actually, aside from having a sinus infection and sleeping a large majority of the day Saturday, I was blessed with a spectacular few days too.

I had Thursday and Friday off due to some personal matters I needed to take care of on the medical front; nothing you probably wouldn’t expect considering my “pre-existing condition” but they required attention nonetheless, and that actually took my husband and I on a little trip to Philadelphia.

Not such a bad place to be considering we had all of Thursday night free and could take advantage of two amazing deals Living Social was offering; a discounted night including parking or breakfast at our very favorite spot, The Radisson Warwick, and half price admission to the Dead Sea Scrolls exhibit at The Franklin Institute.

This particular city is very special to me, and hopefully my husband, because it is there where we first told one another our feelings and spent a tremendous weekend with my family exploring the King Tut expose at the very same museum we visited Thursday afternoon.

We had an interesting early start to our relationship because Ryan wasn’t at all looking for a girlfriend, and to be honest, I wasn’t ready for a relationship myself.

We had been friends for a long time and nothing ever emerged before, so why all of a sudden the stars a0ligned I am not really sure, but one weekend my Mom had planned for my immediate and some extended family to visit Philly, have a mini-getaway and expand our knowledge base on Egyptian history, and something compelled me to invite him along.

Everything was pretty much perfect.

He fit in super well with my relatives, survived the jokes of my sinister Uncle, and he and I connected on so many levels I knew I wanted in the person I would spend the rest of my life with.

H e loved education, valued quality time with family, and we laughed like I never had before.

Plus, he could dance. Dancing is a major part of my life and my favorite social activity so he scored MAJOR bonus points for this!

We have visited Philadelphia a few times throughout our marriage, and always had a good time, but ED was often lurking in the corner ruining the fun.

(Doesn’t he always?)

As much as I was excited for a few days alone with Ry, I have to admit I am always nervous how things will pan out because I am still not where he wants me to be and sometimes my malnourished brain will completely impact my ability to be rational.

We wrapped up our night Thursday with a few hours of dancing at a club neither one of us had ever been, and even though 0 I loved every second of the day earlier, the absolute BEST BEST BEST moment of those 48 hours came as we were hailing a cab back to our hotel…

“This reminded me of our first time here together. It was just like the old us.”

My heart melted when those words left his lips, and any part of ED that may have been around, walked away head hanging low because there was no way I was letting that jerk infiltrate our time.

I knew I was a blessed but if that was an indication of our lives to come, the difficulties of recovery are worth all the struggle.

YOU (And I) Are Worth It

Wednesday did not start out so well.

I slept through my alarm…woke up naturally about fifteen minutes late, which really was no big deal, but what happened a few hours later did not make me happy.

Now that the incident has passed I can kind of laugh about it, but I started my car in the garage before I realized I forgot my CSA box, which needs to be returned on a weekly basis since the farm recycles.

Apparently I did not put the car all the way in park because as soon as I got out (driver side door still left wide open) the car decided to leave without me.

I turned around and my Equinox was making its way toward the yard with the door nearly ripped off it’s hinges since the garage bay isn’t all that wide.

Like a scene out of a movie I started running in my work heels after the vehicle trying to catch up to it, jump in and shut the damn thing off.

Needless to say, with no door it was not driveable.

Ryan was already at work, but thankfully Lindsay could give me a ride, otherwise I would have been late for school, which would have been icing on top of the cake for my OCD driven brain.

Fortunately I have a few friends in the car business and got everything straigthened out as best as I could, but I am now driving a loaner for what is forecasted to be a few weeks until the door can be re-attached and the damage can be fixed.

At least no one was hurt.

But despite the comedic side I can see of this scenerio NOW…heck my neighbors must have thought I was nuts chasing my car up the hill…the few hours after the accident I felt so guilty.

Excess guilt, recovery, and a full work day can be kind of exhausting so even though I had big plans to clean and disinfect my kitchen before dinner, that portion of the schedule got ammended.

I did wipe down all the woodwork and chop the veggies from my CSA. I did the daily chores of unloading and loading the dishwashers, but I was tired and just wanted to make and easy dinner and relax.

Sit down and relax?

What?!

Just like a lot of the things I have discussed in recent posts, sitting down and relaxing before 7 PM was not even a consideration.

Now, on nights like last, when my legs are swollen from unloading 39494530985385 boxes of school supplies, my head is pounding because my allergies are bad, my mind is racing because I cannot believe my car tried to run away, and my tummy didn’t feel like waiting for a full scale preparation of dinner, a little computer surfing, painting my nails and a Kashi Steam-in-a-bag sounded like a great evening.

Reflecting on my decision to forgo the deep-clean and housework, I thought about Tuesday’s post.

A few people sent me e-mails about how I turned my “frown upside-down” by doing something for myself.

I used the example of taking the time for a more decadent breakfast, but explained that my point was not about the eggs I enjoyed, but more that I showed myself I was worth it; that I deserved self-care and love.

I think I did that again by electing nail-polish and a freezer meal and to me that is immense progress in my recovery.

So many times I have spoken with others who take care of everyone else. They spread themselves thin, not often liking the extra tasks they pile on but feel too bad saying no, and I am/was one of those people, but not anymore.

Why don’t I deserve the same happiness and life of my colleagues, friends, or fellow human-beings?

I DO!

The answer is I absolutely do deserve a good quality life, that I want for everyone else.

Of course there are going be times when I have to say yes, for work, or family, and I may not always want to, but there are also situations when I just might be people-pleasing and that can invoke personal neglect.

It certainly has in the past and the feelings of resentment that caused were really harmful to my health.

I would feel taken advantage of, over-tired and just worthless because my actions signaled I was a lesser individual than those around me and that just feeds into the stream of negative self-talk that already plagues my mind 24/7.

But by doing things like taking a bath, or chosing a super fun color and some glitter for my toes, I am reiterating that I DESERVE happiness. I deserve rest. I deserve to feel special and taken care of.

Ryan does a fabulous job of reminding me he loves me.

I thanked him yesterday for helping me out so much around the house, physically and emotionally, because all those things confirm he believes in me and thinks I am valuable, but what I have discovered is that love has to come from within for a person to truly be happy.

Someone else can “validate” me time and time again, but the novely wears off after a while and then when I was left feeling crappy about myself I started a cycle of ED behaviors, basically as a punishment because I felt inadequate.

It is only when (I say when because I am not totally there yet) I feel good about who I am; confident with the gifts God gave me, and BELIEVE I am WORTH IT, that I can become truly Happy, Healthy and Whole.

Think about that today.

What can or do you do, big or small that indicates you are WORTH IT?

Because you are. 🙂

How To Turn That Frown Upside-Down

Whew. Thank goodness I can actually tell you MONDAY was slightly better than the weekend.

And I think it was because as I wrote last week, I had to take my mood into my own hands.

Of course there are times when nothing is talking me out of my funk and that was absolutely the case Saturday and Sunday, but Monday came and honestly, I don’t think I could have went to work with the attitude I exhibited the previous two days.

First of all I do have to deal with people pretty frequently in my position.

Without the kids and the everyday functions of a school year it is a bit less than usual, but I still have co-workers, delivery people, parents, etc. that are in my office everyday.

Me as Oscar the Grouch would NOT be appropriate, so sometimes you just have to put on your game face and fake it till you make it.

I know, I know; easier said than done, BUT I think there are definitely things we can do to improve our moods, and some of you had some fabulous suggestions for me in my dire time of need.

So here is just a short list of what I did to turn around my gloom…

1. Took a short walk.

Don’t judge. This was not a treadmill, structured, fast, fitness-based walk by any means. This was a “throw on my flip flops and grungy sweat shirt, turn up some calming music, and leisurely stroll around the neighborhood loop,” kind of jaunt.

Sometimes music in itself can totally cheer me up, but combined with the fresh air and cool breeze that was thankfully blowing Saturday, it really did help me see things more clearly.

Since Sunday I again woke on the wrong side of the bed I completely eliminated the treadmill, which I sometimes feel can invoke a pressure to hit certain numbers, speed, etc. and went to the park to be part of the great outdoors.

Like I said, tunes, trees and time to think can often be the best medicine for stress or when I am being a total grump, and that was absolutely the case in this scererio.

2. Made Something Delicious.

Perhaps this is an oxymoron since I was just griping about my ridiculous hunger, but Monday I was determined to start my day with a positive outlook.

Although normally my taste-buds really like overnight oats with my favorite Chobani yogurt stirred in, I noticed they weren’t nearly as satisfying as before, but were so routine I just kept on prepping them.

Well Monday morning my body wanted veggies and eggs.

I don’t always consider this option because it takes a bit more time and effort to chop and get ready, but today I figured why not?! I deserve to have some eggs!

Broccoli, spinach, egg whites and ketchup with peanut butter and jelly toast and a glass of ice cold Vanilla So Delicious Almond Milk; scrumptious way to start the morning and worth every second!

2.5. Eating something I genuinely craved wasn’t necessarily the point here. The point is I took some extra time for MYSELF.

I didn’t brush off my desire saying “oh, I don’t have time,” “I’ll get to it later,” “I don’t really need that…”

Instead I listened to my body, my heart, and did something I wanted and obviously needed at that moment.

My veggie scramble really could have been anything that sent the message “I am worth it.”

Sometimes I want a hot bath but think a shower is more practical.

Sometimes I want frozen yogurt but don’t want to pester anyone to go with me.

Sometimes I want to just sit down and relax but feel obligated to keep moving.

But sometimes the most important factor into having good mental health is being gentle, and satisfying our physical and spiritual requests.

*I will be re-reading that several times to myself over the next few months….or my entire life…

3. Mindless/Hilarious TV

Ryan got home after golf Sunday and even just seeing him put my mind at ease.

I really missed spending time together and when he suggested we just curl up on the couch to catch up on the DVR I was more than ok with that option.

We shuffled through Hell’s Kitchen, 2 episodes of Big Brother and then moved onto Bachelor Pad which is ABSOLUTELY insane this year.

I was happy to see Reid back, since I obviously root for my fellow Pennsylvanian, but also because I kind of fell in love with him during his season.

Ryan knew about it, so it was ok 😉

But aside from that fabulous casting decision the others ABC selected are going to make for a majorly dramatic, train-wreck season.

I know. I must sound completely ridiculous for loving all this trashy tv, but it is a guilty-pleasure and oh, so entertaining.

4. QT with my loved one.

The plot aspect of these shows is great, but it was the person sitting next to me that made all the difference.

I did have a good cry fest and tried to explain all my emotions as best I could, and he sat there patiently listening between sobs.

His words were wonderful but just getting out whatever toxicity was inside made a HUGE impact on my mood.

Between all of you, your support and my significant other, I feel so blessed during these troublesome times of the recovery journey.

The road is super long, incredibly rocky, but I am hoping the final destination will all be worth it.
Thank you so much for your patience 🙂

No Lies Monday

I need to open saying thank you for all the support you have given me after Saturday’s overly honest post.

Sometimes I think the only reason I blog is because I LOVE how wonderful this community can be, how inspiring and influential it can be to stay positive and on track, and just how it is awesome to feel so included; regardless of whether you or not you met any of your fellow “bli-ends” in person.

Because you all are so fabulous and it did briefly help to read your encouraging words, I wish I could tell you Sunday was much better.

I wanted to lie and tell you I woke up with a cheery attitude and everything was fine, but it wasn’t.

In fact I was a complete beotch to be around…actually a worse beotch to be around because my hunger was out of freakin’ control.

I am starting to have the overnight rumblings again which is NO BUENO in my book; one because it messes with my sleep pattern and two because I have such horrible guilt about a 2:30 am snack.

My brain keeps saying, “CJ tomorrow you will make up for those extra calories you consumed and you simply will just cut a few things out.”

That would be great if I had the capability of doing so, but I am no longer good at tolerating the gnawing feeling I used to thrive on.

I know this is a positive in the recovery sense but it makes it a hell of an emotional ride when you really hate yourself more than twenty-three hours of the day.

There are a few aspects of my life I haven’t mentioned on here primarily because it isn’t the right time, but my feelings are everywhere for too many reasons and I thought it might be helpful for me to jot them down and see if any of it makes sense.

*If you don’t want to read another mini-rant, you might want to come back to tomorrow for what is hopefully a much more optimistic outlook.

1. This is the one I can’t really go into detail about, but Ryan and I are going to undergo a few significant life changes in the next year; none of which I have ANY control over.

This causes me to panic because I really HATE not having a plan.

Unfortunately, most things in the world are not laid out perfectly, like I would prefer, so I just have to roll with it, but uncertainty, merged with recovery and feeling like garbage about yourself due to awful body image issues, is not being well managed by me right now.

Speaking of out of control..I am eating a lot, or what I feel is too much, and like I said, that is good from a weight restoration stand-point, but as far as my emotions are concerned…watch out!

I never lost my appetite during my restricting days, but I could ignore the pangs and noises come from my tummy. Now it is like I have no willpower which brings about that whole “out of control feeling,” similar to the one ocurring within the important parts of my life (for example if Ryan got into school).

Feeling so helpless in both respects, is absolutely driving me bonkers!!!

2. There is a particular relationship in my life that is falling apart.

Again, I feel bad being vague about this but it is not something I am overly ready to discuss in great depth because I am still trying to figure it out.

It could be a good thing that our connection to one another is disintegrating/changing, but I haven’t quite determined that for sure.

I know I am sad about the changes, but ultimately the waning trust/closeness might be better in the long run. Time will tell.

3. The Healthy Living Summit Decision

I think about this at least once a day; debate whether or not trying to sell my ticket was a good idea or not.

I am extremely sad to be missing out on time with friends, learning at the seminars, and a weekend away in a seriously cool city, but if I am being honest, the trigger factor and embarrassment that may come from me being a part of it prompted the Weaber family to conclude my absence was a better idea, and I am trying my best to stick with that attitude.

It is getting increasingly difficult for me to accept the decision, however, because that week/weekend Ryan will be in Colorado with his brother.

Like this past weekend, I am jealous of their bond and the fun they will have, while I will be at home, wallowing in negative-self-talk.

Awesome.

There are a few more things I will save for another time, but these three happen to be what is plaguing me at this current moment.

I told a friend, and I have stated this on here before, but it would be a problem if what is listed above WASN’T bothering me.

It would be a problem if nothing bothered me because that would mean I was still using maladaptive coping skills to handle things that invoke emotions for “normal” people.

I spent years being numb and immune to hurt, sadness, anger, etc.

Now I just seem to be those things all the time.

Happiness…will you please come out and play because you sound much more exciting that the B.S. I am feeling now.

Thanks 🙂

I Will Probably Regret This…

It is Saturday.

Saturday at 6:48 P.M. to be exact.

I don’t normally post on Saturday’s but I have a lot going on in my head right now, my husband is busy and I HATE HATE HATE writing in a journal, so therefore the blog is getting an additional/alternative entry that I am probably…scratch that will DEFINITELY regret later, but here is the deal.

Eating disorders are dark, messy and volatile.

Right now I am not happy and I need somewhere to vent.

Like I said, Ryan is busy with the twenty five other males that are staying with us this weekend (yes, more on that another time), my mom doesn’t understand/has pretty much given up on my recovery, so it is unfortunately anyone who reads my writing that has to experience what I am feeling right now.

I warn you.  I am not editing this or probably going to make much sense, so whether or not you want to continue is totally up to you.

Here goes…

What I want to do right now is get on the treadmill and go for a run.

Either that or get in the car, drive to Philadelphia, walk around until the time is right and go dancing.

The former option seems more feasible because it is still pretty early and honestly, going to a club by yourself as a female, isnt necessarily the brightest idea ever.

Whatever.

I want to run because I am bored.

Boredom leads to WAY too many thoughts, and in my case most of them are negative.

I think about food…which right now since I just ate…ate more than I wanted to…I am not physically hungry but my brain thinks of all sorts of things it would love to have; peanut butter and jelly, particularly an Uncrustable? Or Vita Tops covered in milk come to mind right now.

Weird, but oh well.

I am bored and I am mad, hurt, gosh knows what particular emotion, but I can for sure say I am not happy.

I am actually somewhat annoyed with Ryan.  Nothing he did that is his fault really, but having all his friends here is impacting me in a way I didn’t expect.

I resent him.

I resent him for having so many people he gets to spend time with, entertain, enjoy, etc.

I resent him for having something fun to do on a Saturday night when all I want is to go out and dance.

I resent him for the freezer that decided it wanted to break, and thaw all our food which I then had to move other places, or construct this week’s menu around.

FYI I HATE HATE HATE letting things go to waste.

I am overall just a grump and I really want to take a jog as a way to shut off my mind, punish Ryan and get rid of the ridiculous amount of food I keep putting in my body.

And by ridiculous…here is another bout of honesty that I am absolutely ashamed to admit but I feel I must, is still about 2300 calories, but changing my body and causing me to panic.

I hate the way I look as a skeleton but I am really scared of what will happen with anymore food.

I hate today.

But tomorrow is a new one so I will live.

Out Of The Box And A Fantastic Friday Giveaway!

I did it.

I tried yoga.

This may not sound like any significant feat but this is coming from the girl who said she would NEVER do yoga.

“It looks boring, my mind will never be able to shut off and actually get any benefit; it is not even a work out just a waste of time…”

I said all those things and more for as long as I can remember, even though every therapist, treatment center and friend has tried to get me to a class.

A few months ago I did kind of get the itch to make an attempt but the new thing that held me back was fear.

Shocker, right? Me…SCARED?!

I was so concerned that I would look like a fool that I avoided even the sessions where I knew the instructor, but I started reflecting upon past experiences; particularly ones where I was initially terrified, and realized none of those instances turned out so bad so perhaps yoga would be similar.

I have probably explained the cross-country ski story before, when my husband and I took our first getaway together, alone.

Neither of us had ever cross-country skied but we were in an old castle, where activities were included and the weekend we were there the mountain got hammered with snow.

Beautiful, fresh powder just waiting to be explored.

We did a group snow-shoe tour and thought it was ok, but not nearly as exhilarating as our bodies wanted, so Ryan suggested we grab 2 pair of skies.

Uh…

I was hesitant and wanted to say no at first, but since I obviously wanted to win his heart, the word, “SURE!” came out of my mouth before I even knew what I was doing.

After a few falls, you couldn’t part us from our new favorite winter sport. We spent HOURS on the trails taking in the scenery and just enjoying being together.

It was absolutely fabulous and one of our favorite memories of all time.

I tried to channel that experience when I asked my friend Brielle if she minded me coming along to her yoga studio.

I have to admit I was pretty excited all day.

I was stepping out of my box, which always makes me somewhat proud of myself, and I was getting to do it with someone I really like to be around.

The ninety minute aspect of the class intimidated me, but hey, I can do anything I put my mind to, and that is exactly what I did.

I tried to focus on my breathing, concentrate on correct form, and ultimately just BE.

I’ll tell you honestly, even thought the teacher asked us to look at ourselves in the mirror or use a reference point based on our reflection, I couldn’t do it.

I have a hard time with mirrors and I just couldn’t stare directly at my physique without looking away almost instantaneously.

Perhaps that’s my goal for next class because between that and actually lying still on my back, I found those components the MOST challenging of the entire hour and a half.

Overall the experience was fantastic; between the instructor being gentle, helpful and engaging, the studio having a very inviting feeling, spending time with a friend and actually FEELING my body rather than trying to completely disassociate from it, I definitely want to try it again.

Maybe even this weekend since my pass is good for 7 days 🙂

When I got home I was pretty darn exhausted, NEEDED a shower in the worst possible way, and was actually excited about snack.

Why?! Because I had ONE more Gnu Bar left and I threw it in the freezer before I left to enjoy with a little frozen Vanilla Chobani.

Peanut Butter Gnu, frozen Vanilla Cho mixed with some unsweetened vanilla Silk.

Yup, that is the snack of champions!

And guess what!?!

YOU CAN HAVE THAT SAME SNACK TOO!!!!

Ok well, I can give you the opportunity to have 1/3 of that snack, at least 😉

My awesome friends at Gnu foods would like to provide one of my readers with a 16 pack of their delectable bars!

All you have to do is:

“Like” Gnu Foods on Facebook.

Post a comment stating WHICH type of Gnu Bar you would most like to try. (This is a seriously tough question, I know!)

Gnu will then send the randomly selected winner their prize of which flavor they mentioned in their entry.

Easy, peasy, right?!

Winner will be announced next Wednesday during the WIAW post, so hurry up and enter!!!

Thank you Gnu for being such an awesome company!

Happy Friday, Friends!!!

All About Intentions

I am really bored with talking about food, and I am sure you are sick of reading about it.

When you take a simple thing like cheese off the forbidden list, it really doesn’t seem that exciting anymore.

However if you took me for frozen yogurt, I might jump up and down.

I am obsessed and not afraid to admit it.

Anyway, because eating disorders are NOT always about the food I think it is important to explore other avenues of your life that you feel are important.

Fitness has ALWAYS been important to me.

-Insert groan here because I know what you are thinking…

“Exercise addiction has been part of her past…ED wants her to think physical activity is important…she doesn’t really like it….”

I am sure those thoughts are or did cross your mind when you read the word “fitness,” but hear me out, because over the past few months my relationship with exercise has definitely improved, and helped me learn things about myself I am now ok admitting.

1. I don’t LOVE the treadmill.

If you asked me two months ago I would have sworn up and down the treadmill was my best friend.

I HAD to start the day with those red digital numbers that taunted me on the screen.

I HAD to meet my time, speed, and distance goals (even though they were a lot lower than in the past) because without their validation, I was a failure by 5 am.

I still like the treadmill. I still use it, but it is by no means my favorite form of activity.

The past two mornings have been so nice (holler to below 70 degrees!) and I just couldn’t resist watching the sunrise as I took a stroll through the neighborhood.

The best part; no Garmin, no timer, no way to measure anything. Just music, the outdoors and me, which is the perfect way to add some energy to the morning.

2. Dancing IS a workout!!!

Again, if you would have asked me a few months ago I would have said dance was absolutely NOT a workout!

It is too much fun! Its not structured! There is no way to tell how many calories you are burning!

Well hello! Those are some of the greatest things about it!!

I would SO SO SO much rather dance than get on the treadmill because you can do it with friends, you can move your body any way you want, and music is SO therapeutic.

For those of you non-believers out there, you have to listen to techno or some form of house music.

The songs that do have words have amazing meaning, and those that don’t, are just awesome to improve your mood.

Mark Knight “Alright,” and Gareth Emery (pretty much anything) are my current favorites but my playlist doesn’t discriminate, and you shouldn’t either 🙂

But regardless of your selection of tunes, I really do think dancing is a form of expression that is so wonderfully freeing, beyond compare to anything I have ever experienced. I believe it is my most effective form of therapy.

3. Exercising alone is not nearly as exciting.

I used to HATE HATE HATE working out with others.

Unless I was practicing with my squad or just happened to be next to someone I knew at the gym, it was atypical to find my jogging along side someone.

Back in my non-ED days I enjoyed racing with my husband because it was a goal we could set together, we got to travel to some awesome places (DISNEY WORLD!!!) and I loved that he would be cheering me on at the finish, pushing me to go just a little bit faster.

But when I started getting ultra competitive and working out to the point where I didn’t want anyone to know, solo seemed like the best option.

And it was if I wanted to stay seriously sick…

Now, I chose to walk with my mother-in law some Saturdays, go outside with my sister if she wants to take a few laps around our development and talk, and last night I even tried yoga!

This is also another reason I like sweating it out at a club; you are surrounded by others who aren’t there for the caloric deficit, but for the camaraderie and FUN!

Health is not dictated by the number on the scale, but instead is an overall package that INCLUDES mental wellness too.

I have learned that when fitness is a choice, you are doing it in forms you enjoy, with those you love, and not according to a watch that measures steps, times and distance, the concept and happiness factor changes SO much for the better.

As with most things in the recovery world, determining if physical exertion is a good or bad thing for a person comes down to intention.

If I got on the treadmill in the morning, hating every second, cursing the damn machine, but using it anyway because I felt I HAD to BURN CALORIES, then I think it would be incredibly detrimental to my progress.

Just remember recovery is about self-discovery and it is ok if these things aren’t your cup of tea; there are plenty of interests out there for everyone and that’s what makes this exciting!!

But if you genuinely love being active, can compensate for the energy expenditure, and incorporate these hobbies in a BALANCED/appropriate manner, I don’t see anything wrong with being true to your passions.

Hopefully this weekend you will find me in the club 🙂 Its only a few days away!!!

Happy Thursday!

Ryan Realizations

The idea that I try my best to push people away, so they don’t voluntarily leave is nothing new.

It hurts less when you are doing the pushing, so why not just put up a wall instead of feeling inadequate as a person when people chose to exit your life?

Well, because there are some people I just want to keep around, so the whole stone-cold, I can handle-life myself, attitude, is no longer for me.

But there is a twist to this scenario because Ryan suggested something that started to make sense.

Getting healthy means opening myself up to being vulnerable; the emotional floodgates sometimes burst and goodness knows why I express myself the way I do, but as I told you last week, I am like a child learning to handle feelings that I have not often experienced.

He has been amazingly understanding of that, and so have the other few I have vented to, relied on and probably seemed incredibly needy around (I apologize for that) but I really just can’t seem to help it.

Anyway, back to Ryan’s thoughts…

He wondered if I stay sick because deep down I know it keeps him from leaving.

I am not saying some day he won’t get SO fed up he wouldn’t walk out the door, but I KNOW my husband has a huge heart and has often said he worried that if he was not present in my life, I would be dead long ago.

As a nurse, and a really good human-being, I don’t think he could have that on his conscious.

BUT, what if I am healthy enough to survive on my own, and he realizes, “ok, she is now out of the danger zone so finally I can make an exit.”

He assured me this won’t happen but the whole scenario is quite a paradox, considering both schools of thought conflict.

If I stay sick, closed off and like an ice-queen I send the signal for him to go away….aka goodbye Ryan and CJ.

If I get better he can determine his time as my babysitter is done and move onto someone else he actually likes, since I obviously an defective and a loser.

Neither one of these sound good to me, but as always, he made a point I never even considered because I am too busy being focused on the long run, and surface area of my recovery.

I see 30 pounds from now, not small changes that really count.

I see food, weight gain and feeling punished, rather than WHY I have this NEED to be in control at all times (you know, those pesky underlying issues?!) which is what really needs to be addressed.

It’s great that I can admit am terrified of Dairy Queen, but WHY I can’t bring myself to eat a gosh darn mixed cone with sprinkles is a little more significant than simply stating, “there’s no way in hell I am going to that drive-thru.”

Saturday was the first day I can HONESTLY say I conquered my meal plan head on and it sucked.

I FELT like I ate a ridiculous amount of food, had random combinations I am embarrassed to share, and seriously felt like I was a bottomless pit.

I wanted to crawl out of my own skin pretty much from the moment breakfast digested forward, but what I am trying to remind myself is that I am still not in a rational frame of mine. It will get easier with practice, or at least I will be able to combat the negativity a little more effectively, and most importantly Ryan wouldn’t share his insights with me if he did not care.

That last segment is crucial, because what this post all comes down to is my refusal to stepping out of my “comfortable” ED box has always been about fear.

The fear of inadequacy, abandonment, etc…

But if my husband did not LOVE me, FOR me, he wouldn’t be here anymore, and the same goes for the rest of my support system that has been nothing but spectacular during this whole process.

I would like to think the ED CJ was the worst, because who wants to be around a rigid, uptight and distant hollowed out shell?

The “in-recovery” CJ is challenging for obvious reasons, but worth spending time with during those glimpses of hope that come and go…

And the ME that you all will be stuck with when all this is over, will be GOOD enough regardless of physical shape AND have the confidence/cognitive reasoning-capabilities to know that those who don’t agree with that aren’t of much value anyway.