Wednesday did not start out so well.
I slept through my alarm…woke up naturally about fifteen minutes late, which really was no big deal, but what happened a few hours later did not make me happy.
Now that the incident has passed I can kind of laugh about it, but I started my car in the garage before I realized I forgot my CSA box, which needs to be returned on a weekly basis since the farm recycles.
Apparently I did not put the car all the way in park because as soon as I got out (driver side door still left wide open) the car decided to leave without me.
I turned around and my Equinox was making its way toward the yard with the door nearly ripped off it’s hinges since the garage bay isn’t all that wide.
Like a scene out of a movie I started running in my work heels after the vehicle trying to catch up to it, jump in and shut the damn thing off.
Needless to say, with no door it was not driveable.
Ryan was already at work, but thankfully Lindsay could give me a ride, otherwise I would have been late for school, which would have been icing on top of the cake for my OCD driven brain.
Fortunately I have a few friends in the car business and got everything straigthened out as best as I could, but I am now driving a loaner for what is forecasted to be a few weeks until the door can be re-attached and the damage can be fixed.
At least no one was hurt.
But despite the comedic side I can see of this scenerio NOW…heck my neighbors must have thought I was nuts chasing my car up the hill…the few hours after the accident I felt so guilty.
Excess guilt, recovery, and a full work day can be kind of exhausting so even though I had big plans to clean and disinfect my kitchen before dinner, that portion of the schedule got ammended.
I did wipe down all the woodwork and chop the veggies from my CSA. I did the daily chores of unloading and loading the dishwashers, but I was tired and just wanted to make and easy dinner and relax.
Sit down and relax?
Just like a lot of the things I have discussed in recent posts, sitting down and relaxing before 7 PM was not even a consideration.
Now, on nights like last, when my legs are swollen from unloading 39494530985385 boxes of school supplies, my head is pounding because my allergies are bad, my mind is racing because I cannot believe my car tried to run away, and my tummy didn’t feel like waiting for a full scale preparation of dinner, a little computer surfing, painting my nails and a Kashi Steam-in-a-bag sounded like a great evening.
Reflecting on my decision to forgo the deep-clean and housework, I thought about Tuesday’s post.
A few people sent me e-mails about how I turned my “frown upside-down” by doing something for myself.
I used the example of taking the time for a more decadent breakfast, but explained that my point was not about the eggs I enjoyed, but more that I showed myself I was worth it; that I deserved self-care and love.
I think I did that again by electing nail-polish and a freezer meal and to me that is immense progress in my recovery.
So many times I have spoken with others who take care of everyone else. They spread themselves thin, not often liking the extra tasks they pile on but feel too bad saying no, and I am/was one of those people, but not anymore.
Why don’t I deserve the same happiness and life of my colleagues, friends, or fellow human-beings?
The answer is I absolutely do deserve a good quality life, that I want for everyone else.
Of course there are going be times when I have to say yes, for work, or family, and I may not always want to, but there are also situations when I just might be people-pleasing and that can invoke personal neglect.
It certainly has in the past and the feelings of resentment that caused were really harmful to my health.
I would feel taken advantage of, over-tired and just worthless because my actions signaled I was a lesser individual than those around me and that just feeds into the stream of negative self-talk that already plagues my mind 24/7.
But by doing things like taking a bath, or chosing a super fun color and some glitter for my toes, I am reiterating that I DESERVE happiness. I deserve rest. I deserve to feel special and taken care of.
Ryan does a fabulous job of reminding me he loves me.
I thanked him yesterday for helping me out so much around the house, physically and emotionally, because all those things confirm he believes in me and thinks I am valuable, but what I have discovered is that love has to come from within for a person to truly be happy.
Someone else can “validate” me time and time again, but the novely wears off after a while and then when I was left feeling crappy about myself I started a cycle of ED behaviors, basically as a punishment because I felt inadequate.
It is only when (I say when because I am not totally there yet) I feel good about who I am; confident with the gifts God gave me, and BELIEVE I am WORTH IT, that I can become truly Happy, Healthy and Whole.
Think about that today.
What can or do you do, big or small that indicates you are WORTH IT?
Because you are. 🙂