Eating Disorder Recovery

Living with an eating disorder is a miserable existence.  I myself have struggled with one for many years and have had multiple attempts at recovery, in hospitals, residential facilities, and on an outpatient basis.  Finally, I am on the path to gaining back my life, realizing balance and confidence are way more fun! 

To find out more you may browse the following posts, or contact me directly. 

• Are you Happy?
• Struggling
• Help
• Weighing In: The Great Calorie Debate
• Life is Too Short
• Like Kindergarden
• Bad Teacher
• My Fitness Enemy
• Rules Are Meant To Be Broken Volume 1
• The Exercise Balance
• Have a Little Faith
• CJ Inc.
• His and Her French Toast
• Behind Closed Doors
• Quit Counting Calories
• Reframing Negative Thoughts and Celebrating Life
• Fresh Start
• Recovery 101
• Goal Setting Guide
• Re-Evaluating Role Models
• Patience is a Virtue
• Deviations and Dissapointments
• Please Read
• Food as Medicine
• Activity Addiction
• Skinny vs. Strength
• Rough Morning Reframe
• Me, Myself and My Measuring Cups
• Face Your Fears
• From Lonliness Comes Appreciation
• Lonliness Continued
• Oh Eleanor, You’re So Smart
• Feeling Pathetic at Panera
• The Good, The Bad and The Ugly
• Happy Anniversary
• Theraputic Outcome
• A Mission for Moderation
• Integer Obsession
• Gaining More Than Just Weight
• Distraction Attraction
• “You Look So Healthy”
• 5 Reasons to Kick ED To The Curb
• Emotional Expression 101
• Proud Moments and Defeated Days
• Monday Morning Disclosure
• What Took You So Long?
• Put Those Gloves On
• Help From a Friend
• Following a Meal Plan
• Reframing Reactivity
• Finding a Purpose
• Get S.M.A.R.T
• What I Wish I Knew Then

I wrote this poem last fall when I was really struggling, but desperate for help.  Hopefully some of you can relate.

My Declaration of Independence

Will you ever leave?

I hate you today.

I want you to go and please stay away.

I’m scared and I’m lonely,

secretly hiding my sadness

I’m overly anxious and worried,

always consumed by my madness.

I didn’t ask you to come,

but now you wont go

Is this my life forever,

Never being able to say no?

You wont shut up

Please stop yelling so loud

Cant I feel good just this once

When am I permitted to be proud?

“Never! Never! Never!

You don’t do anything to deserve the acclaim

You ruin people’s lives

If anything, I’m only going to let you feel guilt and great shame!”

You’re so mean

and yet I keep you here with me.

How can you make me feel so safe

when you’ve hijacked my mind

and wont ever let me free?

“You’re fat, you’re stupid,

you cant do anything right!

Don’t you dare pick up that cookie!

You know I’ll punish you all night.

You try to push me out but you will always come back.

And every time I’ll start nice, but I’m constantly ready to attack.”

“You tell everyone there’s a war,

which is sometimes a lie

because many times I’m not your enemy

but instead your best ally.

Or so you think

because I never have your best interest at heart.

I worry you’ve caught on.

I always knew you were smart.”

“Leave me alone you monster!

I just need to turn the thoughts down!”

“Nope, sorry, not today!

Don’t mind me as I amp up the sound.”

“NO! I’m done!

I have too much to live for!

I can’t do this to my family,

or to myself anymore!”

I know I’ve said this a lot,

even more than once

But I can do it, I’m strong,

and I need to be done.

For too long you’ve lead me astray,

to a slow painful demise.

And how was it that I always fell

for that same stupid disguise?

You said so yourself,

you are my best friend and turn in one second.

And silly me, when something got tough,

it was always you I’d beckon.

But now I must go,

go find something new.

I remember this will be tough

but trust me, ill pull through.

Goodbye old friend!

A part of me would like to say, ill be seeing you later.

But forgive me for putting you down

Without you, you jerk, my life will be greater.

I’ll have hobbies, friends, maybe even some fun!

Heaven forbid I’d miss my daily run.

I’ll try to be present and enjoy things so small,

and remind myself always,

of how easy it is to fall.

Goodbye, goodbye and hello to new life!

I’m returning to be a daughter, a sister and a wife.

I’m a person again, finally I’m here!

No more counting, self-hatred, blame, or constant fear.

To those I love I’m sorry.

I never meant to hurt your feelings.

It wont be easy,

but together I hope we can all do some healing

I love myself, I love you and finally I’m proud to say,

even though today might be a struggle, tomorrow will always be a new day.

I will continue to add to this page with various tools that have helped me in my recovery.  Best of luck on your journey toward a healthy, happy, whole life!  🙂