Eating Disorder Recovery

Living with an eating disorder is a miserable existence.  I myself have struggled with one for many years and have had multiple attempts at recovery, in hospitals, residential facilities, and on an outpatient basis.  Finally, I am on the path to gaining back my life, realizing balance and confidence are way more fun! 

To find out more you may browse the following posts, or contact me directly. 

I wrote this poem last fall when I was really struggling, but desperate for help.  Hopefully some of you can relate.

My Declaration of Independence

Will you ever leave?

I hate you today.

I want you to go and please stay away.

I’m scared and I’m lonely,

secretly hiding my sadness

I’m overly anxious and worried,

always consumed by my madness.

I didn’t ask you to come,

but now you wont go

Is this my life forever,

Never being able to say no?

You wont shut up

Please stop yelling so loud

Cant I feel good just this once

When am I permitted to be proud?

“Never! Never! Never!

You don’t do anything to deserve the acclaim

You ruin people’s lives

If anything, I’m only going to let you feel guilt and great shame!”

You’re so mean

and yet I keep you here with me.

How can you make me feel so safe

when you’ve hijacked my mind

and wont ever let me free?

“You’re fat, you’re stupid,

you cant do anything right!

Don’t you dare pick up that cookie!

You know I’ll punish you all night.

You try to push me out but you will always come back.

And every time I’ll start nice, but I’m constantly ready to attack.”

“You tell everyone there’s a war,

which is sometimes a lie

because many times I’m not your enemy

but instead your best ally.

Or so you think

because I never have your best interest at heart.

I worry you’ve caught on.

I always knew you were smart.”

“Leave me alone you monster!

I just need to turn the thoughts down!”

“Nope, sorry, not today!

Don’t mind me as I amp up the sound.”

“NO! I’m done!

I have too much to live for!

I can’t do this to my family,

or to myself anymore!”

I know I’ve said this a lot,

even more than once

But I can do it, I’m strong,

and I need to be done.

For too long you’ve lead me astray,

to a slow painful demise.

And how was it that I always fell

for that same stupid disguise?

You said so yourself,

you are my best friend and turn in one second.

And silly me, when something got tough,

it was always you I’d beckon.

But now I must go,

go find something new.

I remember this will be tough

but trust me, ill pull through.

Goodbye old friend!

A part of me would like to say, ill be seeing you later.

But forgive me for putting you down

Without you, you jerk, my life will be greater.

I’ll have hobbies, friends, maybe even some fun!

Heaven forbid I’d miss my daily run.

I’ll try to be present and enjoy things so small,

and remind myself always,

of how easy it is to fall.

Goodbye, goodbye and hello to new life!

I’m returning to be a daughter, a sister and a wife.

I’m a person again, finally I’m here!

No more counting, self-hatred, blame, or constant fear.

To those I love I’m sorry.

I never meant to hurt your feelings.

It wont be easy,

but together I hope we can all do some healing

I love myself, I love you and finally I’m proud to say,

even though today might be a struggle, tomorrow will always be a new day.

I will continue to add to this page with various tools that have helped me in my recovery.  Best of luck on your journey toward a healthy, happy, whole life!  🙂

Advertisements

16 thoughts on “Eating Disorder Recovery

  1. your poem made me cry. i love reading the eating disorder recovery blogs. you are a beautiful writer and made me smile. i hope you head over to mine. i have also very recently recovered from an eating disorder and hope that we can help each other stay on the right track. as i say to everyone i know who had survived, welcome back to life

    • awe I didnt mean to make you cry!!! i love reading ED recovery blogs too! I find them so helpful! I will definitely be checking yours out girl! I cant wait to find out more about you 🙂 not to mention I am always looking to make new friends!

  2. that poem is dead on. i love reading other blogs of people who are fighting for recovery, it gives me the strength i need to keep on fighting, and reassurance that recovery IS possible. and it’s so important to realize that recovery isn’t just about eating or gaining weight… it’s about gaining LIFE! each day, we are survivors 🙂

    • It is about gaining life! thank you for reminding me of that! who wants to spend their lives isolated and alone, but skinny? Not this girl!!! we are survivors and I absolutely love your attitude!

  3. I LOVED This poem, it is so real and powerful! If you don’t mind I may borrow some of this for a status sometime! Let me know if its okay!

  4. Just the beginning part, “Having an eating disorder is a miserable existence” does so much to motivate me. It’s so true. Having an eating disorder makes me feel like I am dead and not participating in life. I don’t want that anymore!

  5. Oh Im so pleased I checked out your blog – its very inspirational! Although Ive never had an ED Ive battled with resrtrictive eating and worrying waaaay to much about what I ate and how I looked! My blog is also meant to encourage girls to leave that way of life behind – and embrace a life full of wine, butter and celebration! Look forward to reading more! xox

  6. Your poem is beautiful! Just like you! I just came across your blog and got so excited to find another recovery blog. I’m new to the blog world and fairly new to recovery so relating to others is so refreshing. Your an awesome writer and your honesty shows through! Thanks for being inspirational! Love Joel Osteen too. Happy Easter!

  7. I love this blog so much and I am so glad to have found it! 🙂
    The poem just summed up everything that eating disorders and recovery entail. I just hope that I will be able to apply the last lines to myself soon (: It’s so motivating and inspiring to read your posts and I wish you the best (: x

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s