It is Saturday.
Saturday at 6:48 P.M. to be exact.
I don’t normally post on Saturday’s but I have a lot going on in my head right now, my husband is busy and I HATE HATE HATE writing in a journal, so therefore the blog is getting an additional/alternative entry that I am probably…scratch that will DEFINITELY regret later, but here is the deal.
Eating disorders are dark, messy and volatile.
Right now I am not happy and I need somewhere to vent.
Like I said, Ryan is busy with the twenty five other males that are staying with us this weekend (yes, more on that another time), my mom doesn’t understand/has pretty much given up on my recovery, so it is unfortunately anyone who reads my writing that has to experience what I am feeling right now.
I warn you. I am not editing this or probably going to make much sense, so whether or not you want to continue is totally up to you.
What I want to do right now is get on the treadmill and go for a run.
Either that or get in the car, drive to Philadelphia, walk around until the time is right and go dancing.
The former option seems more feasible because it is still pretty early and honestly, going to a club by yourself as a female, isnt necessarily the brightest idea ever.
I want to run because I am bored.
Boredom leads to WAY too many thoughts, and in my case most of them are negative.
I think about food…which right now since I just ate…ate more than I wanted to…I am not physically hungry but my brain thinks of all sorts of things it would love to have; peanut butter and jelly, particularly an Uncrustable? Or Vita Tops covered in milk come to mind right now.
Weird, but oh well.
I am bored and I am mad, hurt, gosh knows what particular emotion, but I can for sure say I am not happy.
I am actually somewhat annoyed with Ryan. Nothing he did that is his fault really, but having all his friends here is impacting me in a way I didn’t expect.
I resent him.
I resent him for having so many people he gets to spend time with, entertain, enjoy, etc.
I resent him for having something fun to do on a Saturday night when all I want is to go out and dance.
I resent him for the freezer that decided it wanted to break, and thaw all our food which I then had to move other places, or construct this week’s menu around.
FYI I HATE HATE HATE letting things go to waste.
I am overall just a grump and I really want to take a jog as a way to shut off my mind, punish Ryan and get rid of the ridiculous amount of food I keep putting in my body.
And by ridiculous…here is another bout of honesty that I am absolutely ashamed to admit but I feel I must, is still about 2300 calories, but changing my body and causing me to panic.
I hate the way I look as a skeleton but I am really scared of what will happen with anymore food.
I hate today.
But tomorrow is a new one so I will live.