I Will Probably Regret This…

It is Saturday.

Saturday at 6:48 P.M. to be exact.

I don’t normally post on Saturday’s but I have a lot going on in my head right now, my husband is busy and I HATE HATE HATE writing in a journal, so therefore the blog is getting an additional/alternative entry that I am probably…scratch that will DEFINITELY regret later, but here is the deal.

Eating disorders are dark, messy and volatile.

Right now I am not happy and I need somewhere to vent.

Like I said, Ryan is busy with the twenty five other males that are staying with us this weekend (yes, more on that another time), my mom doesn’t understand/has pretty much given up on my recovery, so it is unfortunately anyone who reads my writing that has to experience what I am feeling right now.

I warn you.  I am not editing this or probably going to make much sense, so whether or not you want to continue is totally up to you.

Here goes…

What I want to do right now is get on the treadmill and go for a run.

Either that or get in the car, drive to Philadelphia, walk around until the time is right and go dancing.

The former option seems more feasible because it is still pretty early and honestly, going to a club by yourself as a female, isnt necessarily the brightest idea ever.


I want to run because I am bored.

Boredom leads to WAY too many thoughts, and in my case most of them are negative.

I think about food…which right now since I just ate…ate more than I wanted to…I am not physically hungry but my brain thinks of all sorts of things it would love to have; peanut butter and jelly, particularly an Uncrustable? Or Vita Tops covered in milk come to mind right now.

Weird, but oh well.

I am bored and I am mad, hurt, gosh knows what particular emotion, but I can for sure say I am not happy.

I am actually somewhat annoyed with Ryan.  Nothing he did that is his fault really, but having all his friends here is impacting me in a way I didn’t expect.

I resent him.

I resent him for having so many people he gets to spend time with, entertain, enjoy, etc.

I resent him for having something fun to do on a Saturday night when all I want is to go out and dance.

I resent him for the freezer that decided it wanted to break, and thaw all our food which I then had to move other places, or construct this week’s menu around.

FYI I HATE HATE HATE letting things go to waste.

I am overall just a grump and I really want to take a jog as a way to shut off my mind, punish Ryan and get rid of the ridiculous amount of food I keep putting in my body.

And by ridiculous…here is another bout of honesty that I am absolutely ashamed to admit but I feel I must, is still about 2300 calories, but changing my body and causing me to panic.

I hate the way I look as a skeleton but I am really scared of what will happen with anymore food.

I hate today.

But tomorrow is a new one so I will live.


16 thoughts on “I Will Probably Regret This…

  1. I think it’s great that you wrote out your feelings…usually it helps me to write my frustrations in order to get over them. I can relate to your feelings towards Ryan. I sometimes feel the same way towards my fiancee. He always has friends to hang out with and sometimes I feel like he forgets about me, the lonely girl who has no friends. But I get over it once a new day starts. Have faith in tomorrow, I’m sure it will be a better day! Keep pushing, you’re doing great<3

    • Thanks hunni! and thanks for sharing your experience. It really stinks feeling so alone sometimes, but I keep hoping that gets better the more ED dissapears.

  2. I think its great you vented on here. Maybe you shouldn’t run on the treadmill, but you should definitely get out of the house and go distract yourself some other healthy way.

    • Thank you I agree! I took a stroll around the neighborhood, hung out with my sister, this sounds weird but held a puppy hahah and it did seem to get a little better.

    • I did take a walk thank you! and this morning I went to the park which the atmosphere was just so nice to at least de-stress! great suggestion!!!

  3. This shows exactly why you feel like you need to run on the treadmill or go walk around and dance. You obviously manage your stress, anxiety, and frustration with physical exertion which allows you to:
    a) get that ‘high’ and feel good in the moment and afterwards
    b) do something that forces you to focus on IT rather than on food or problems, and
    c) burns the calories you probably angrily think should not be in your body because they’re disgusting and just making your life worse, right?

    It’s all a circular cycle and it won’t matter how many calories you eat if you keep resorting to destructive behaviors. So yeah, journals suck — I agree, haha. Yoga maybe requires a class to make it successful (I can’t do it by myself!). Running is too high intensity for someone in your state, I think. But why not take a walk outside? Maybe even drive to a park so you can get different surroundings than your neighborhood. Walks work wonders for me emotionally and mentally.

    I know it’s hard and feeding yourself while feeling crappy about it is a hurdle we ALL face multiple times during recovery and sometimes, even after! But the difference is not dwelling on it and letting your logic win. You also have to take a step back and think what the alternative can provide you. Obviously your previous lifestyle was shitty, so there’s NO turning back now. You’ve started a battle and you need to keep pushing because it WILL get better. And yes, tomorrow’s a new day. And you know what? You have all these new days ahead of you! How beautiful is that? You need to respect your body and do what’s right for it.

  4. I read your blog, usually without commenting, but I think that what you are saying is important because the first step is admitting it. You are allowed to have bad days and vent and to get angry for things you can’t control. That’s normal. Big hugs, I hope things turn around for you girl!

  5. I have been reading your blog for awhile – without commenting- but I feel like I need to on this one.

    I think it is really important to write these things down, good or bad, because it is how you are feeling. It’s okay to get mad about things you can’t control. Talking about your feelings is a huge step and I hope you can find something to help you let off a little steam. HUGS

  6. I relate. It sounds like you feel like crawling out of your skin. I know that feeling. Feeling trapped, misunderstood, and alone. There is nothing magical that will make it go away. You could numb it with the eating disorder behaviors, but you will have to face the consequences of it.

    My eating disorder likes to start drama when I’m feeling bored, too. 😦 Unfortunately, I have burned many bridges because of it. We’re all entitle to grumpy bad days. It sounds like there’s a little jealousy of Ryan’s ability to be social, which is something you’ve expressed an interest in doing more lately (girls’s nights, etc.) and are still struggling to push yourself to do. No one likes to feel left out – but it doesn’t mean that we have to sabotage ourselves or our goals just to prevent feeling isolated. I know you already know this, but you going running to punish Ryan is really ED just trying to say, “If you leave me out, I’ll just push you away so I can pretend it doesn’t hurt.” At least, that’s what I hear from what you’re saying.

    I’m so glad you decided to vent here. The feelings have to come out some how! I’m sending you a hug and “Breathe” by Anna Nalick (do you know that song? It’s pretty great.)

  7. First off,good that you wrote this all down because it often helps to clear the mind,doesn’t it?
    Then,as a second,I can absolutely comprehend how you feel about Ryan. Him having so many friends around he has to… entertain? must be like a huge and undeniable reminder of how lonely you actually feel. ’cause,let’s be honest,that’s what an eating disorder makes us feel like: Lonely,unloved,unworthy. Personally,I am terribly scared of being with other people,yet I long for nothing but love and affection. It’s all so complicated and difficult to handle,and more than anythingmit is frustrating,BUT: You have someone who loves you,CJ. Ryan. And only because there are some guys he has to,well,look after at the moment; only because he can’t focus all his attention on you right now,it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about you anymore.
    I know you probably feel neglected and think it doesn’t matter anyways if you go running now or if you let it be,”no one cares at this moment”,but that is not true.
    Do you remember how he “forbid” you to go dancing at night because he was worried about your health? What do you think would he feel like if he knew you ran? Do you think it would make him happy? – No. Not at all. He would feel awfully guilty and reassured in his assumption to be “responsible” for you,like he would be responsible for a little child.
    Do you want him to treat you like a little child?

  8. If writing in this blog helps you to avoid eating disorder behaviors than do it! Its YOUR blog- post 25times a day if you have to! Your frustration is understandable and reminds me of the phrase my therapist uses, “i’ll show you- i’ll hurt me!”
    Acting out your emotions in a self harming way is obviosly something you are working on, im glad to see in above comments that you took a walk. I am sad to hear you dismiss your mothers feelings, and hope you are co tinuing family therapy with her since previous appointments had a positive outcome.
    And last of all, 2300 is something to be proud of yet still shy of your bodys physical needs right now. You have hundreds of thousands of calories to replace to restore your health and to have a future- keep up the hard work!

    • Thanks. I have to say your feedback has always been majorly helpful to me. Thank you for being honest and caring. I truly do appreciate the time you take to help me realize my shortfalls. I really need that right now so THANK YOU!!! 🙂 ❤

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