Lieing Jerk!

I have a confession to make, and many of you probably know this already but I don’t go to my nutritionist anymore.

I still see my therapist weekly, but I didn’t think it was super helpful to drive 30 minutes after work, fork over the co-pay and listen to things I pretty much already know.

“Eat more, stop counting calories, increase your fats, gain weight.”

Simple, and yet so difficult to do.

I also love my dietician.

In fact I think she is a an awesome lady and I enjoy talking with her, but I decides between my knowledge base, and feeling like I was constantly disappointing her by not utilizing the information both she and I know is essential for recovery, I was just wasting both our time.

Anyway, that being said, I haven’t known my weight or progress for a very long time.

I got weighed at the doctor’s office a few weeks ago when I visited for a physical, but I always weigh blind in those situations because my practitioner is not an ED specialist and doesn’t really know how to support me if I have a break down about the number in the office.

Best to avoid those triggering scenarios whenever possible.

Ryan used to weigh me, but months ago we came to the agreement that this was not the best idea either.

He is my husband not my nurse, and whatever digits appeared on the scale, always made one of us upset.

Again, best to avoid that if possible.

Wednesday morning, however, he busted out the hidden scale.

“Why are we doing this?” I asked, because I personally did not want to start my day feeling judged by a piece of equipment on my bathroom floor.

“I want to know where you are and I want you to know where you are before I leave for Colorado.”

On a side note Ryan is leaving next week to visit his brother. He tends to panic a bit before he goes because I am notorious for doing poorly when he is absent for any length of time and I typically deny this or claim I am doing fine…the scale is his proof and gauge for my progress. Sad, but necessary.

He also wanted to disprove my fears that I am gaining at this exponential and uncontrollable rate, and that I in fact DO need a higher meal plan to ever get to our goals.

I stood backwards and stepped on.

To be honest, I really did not want to know because I anticipated some ridiculously high number.

He did not tell me what the exact interger was, but he did compare it with the reading from a few months ago when we went through this same process.

He was right.

I (ED) was wrong.

I should really learn never to trust that pesky negative voice that plays constantly in my head because my body has not changed near as much as I imagined.

I feel better, because my diet is more varied and I am consuming more, but it still isn’t enough.

I kind of took this as good news because I again like food.

I am HUNGRY.

I am tired and don’t push myself in my walks to go to a majorly high incline or walk faster, which is something I did do before even though I wasn’t technically supposed to.

I am trying to respond to my cravings and needs and the number today confirmed I can do that without ballooning to a million pounds.

It was as if Ryan (and the scale) gave me permission to eat.

Not that I, or anyone, should need someone else to tell them it is ok to have nourishment. It is a basic necessity that everyone, just like the description implies, NEEDS, but I have had trouble “justifying” that idea for myself.

“My body can’t have that many calories, it will just become even more of a whale.”

“I am the exception to the rest of the world and carbohydrates will go right to my thighs and they will expand instantaneously.”

“I MUST exercise everyday or I am a big fat loser.”

Do any of these things sound familiar to you?

I am really sad if they do because I know how torturous they are.

What is my point?

ED beliefs are bogus.

This is nothing new, and there are plenty of people out there who don’t think in the stupidly distorted way my brain likes to work, but I am trying to reiterate this to myself on a daily, secondly, basis so I don’t act out in ways that seem to be more natural than me taking care of me.

I hate this disease more than anything, but anyone who has gone through it, or is currently in the turmoil, will tell you, it is a constant battle…regardless of how sick and tired I am of being sick and tired.

ED, you are a liar and I don’t want to listen anymore.

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14 thoughts on “Lieing Jerk!

  1. Glad you were able to prove ED wrong, yet again. Keep up the good work and believe in the process, girl, it’s worked for so many people and you will get where you need to be. The other side is so much sweeter 🙂

  2. You got this! No one should ever let a scale dictate their diet and lifestyle. I am guilty of this of course, and it’s frustrating to know it’s wrong and do it anyway. It must be so nice to have a partner who cares ans is so willing to help! 🙂

    • It is! I feel very blessed to have him. And next time you go to step on the scale I hope you remember you are worth so much more than a number! Or just throw it out the window and say, WHO NEEDS A SCALE?!

  3. All that you said here is true and I’m glad you have a more positive outlook. But I hope it’s not masked by the fact that you probably barely gained any noticeable weight (extremely likely given your most recent pictures compared to last year’s). If you think, “Gee, My hunger is through the roof and I FEEL like I’m eating sooo much, yet, I’m not even gaining! I’m maintaining!” then…. that isn’t really healthy either because you VERY MUCH SO need to gain weight and simply accept that fact. Going at the extremely slow pace of 0.5 pounds per week or something is slowing down your progress, I personally think. I know dealing with EDs has its fine lines and all that, but at some point, you just need to stop being rigid about meal plans and certain calorie limits, buckle down and just eat without thinking so you gain the necessary weight you need to get to your body’s healthy weight.

  4. I totally understand your reasoning for not paying to see the nutritionist, but I know that having someone to report to weekly (whether a nutritionist or doctor or therapist) was what kept me gaining and accountable. I felt like a failure if I didn’t gain and didn’t like disappointing them, and that was my incentive to keep getting healthy. It was really beneficial for my recovery, so I think maybe you might want to find something like that?

    • Unfortunately, as much as I didnt want to dissapoint my nutritionist, the guilt of following her suggestions was too great for the desire to do well to prevail 😦 I am however gaining weight now which is a good thing physically but not helping so much mentally. Hopefully soon!

  5. The last 2 posts are right on, CJ.

    You steer clear of the medical/nutrition/ED professionals so that you can continue to make your own rules and stay sick. Which is exactly what is happening.

    We are here for you!!

  6. Whatever your (ED’s) rationalization for not seeing a nutritionist is at this point that is an irresponsible decision that will not help your recovery. At this point you need to be held accountable and regularly checking in with someone who is not ryan.
    You should be seeing an eating disorder specialist nutritionist who will help you incorporate fear foods, monitor your nutrition and keep you out of the hospital.
    Please re read your own posts about the extreme makeover tv show- do you really think that any of the contestants would ever accomplish their goals while seeing Chris (your therapist) for one hour a week??
    I am also concerned about your continued edema issues since this is medically a red flag- i desperatly hope your dr is regularly taking blood samples to monitor your electrolytes closely. (i assume you have read/heard/know about women with esting disorders who “accidentally” DIE from an elecrolyte imbalance . Serious sh$t.).
    I hope this comment does not come across as overly critical but if ryan was in this position i dont think you would tell him that less support is what he needs. And i want you to see your 40th birthday. Right now that is questionable/optimistic.

    • I never take your comments as negative or mean, I think they are constructive and you are just trying to point out the fallacy in my ways.

      As far as the edema goes I do get blood tests and nothing is ever out of the ordinary so they just chalk it up to recovery and a lot of damage I guess I did during my over exercise phase?

      I am curious….what is your background because you seem to know a lot of things and make such influential comments?

      Thank you for always being honest!

      • Without oversharing about myself on the internet, i have extensive first hand knowledge and too many years of my life have been comprimised. Professionally i work as a fashion designer- (no, not with the emaciated teenaged runway models, our fit model and sample size is a normal 6/8)

  7. Oh I love this ED oxymoron…. because I did this mental flip flop after seeing my doctor this AM!

    A: “you must weigh less. do not eat. food is evil. move more”
    B: “what?! I don’t weigh enough? YAY EAT MORE. sit around like a bum!”
    … one day later…
    A: “ok those extra 200 calories from yesterday definitely mean you’ve gained enough weight. food is evil. do not eat.”

    exhausting.

  8. I can totally comprehend everything you say here,CJ.
    There was a time I used to weigh myself every freaking morning,and each time,the scale ruined my day. I never had a good day,actually,because the number on the scale NEVER was the “right” one – either too high,so “oh my god,I’m getting fat!”,or too low,so”shit,but I want to recover!” – and despite knowing that,I couldn’t do else bt continue to stop on the scale again and again and again…
    Until I forced myself to stop. And boy,what a relief it was.
    Now,I weigh myself occasionally,just to know where I’m at and to make sure I’m not working against my goals. I also considered asking my mom to weigh me,but I decided against it because it would upset her too much and I can only imagine how hurt she’d be seeing the number. It would be awful,so no,that’s not the right way for me.
    However,it’s funny that I’ve noticed I mostly feel “fat” and “ugly” when I actually LOST weight,or at least didn’t gain,whereas I feel better if I gained…?! EDs are so crazy.honestly.

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