I have a confession to make, and many of you probably know this already but I don’t go to my nutritionist anymore.
I still see my therapist weekly, but I didn’t think it was super helpful to drive 30 minutes after work, fork over the co-pay and listen to things I pretty much already know.
“Eat more, stop counting calories, increase your fats, gain weight.”
Simple, and yet so difficult to do.
I also love my dietician.
In fact I think she is a an awesome lady and I enjoy talking with her, but I decides between my knowledge base, and feeling like I was constantly disappointing her by not utilizing the information both she and I know is essential for recovery, I was just wasting both our time.
Anyway, that being said, I haven’t known my weight or progress for a very long time.
I got weighed at the doctor’s office a few weeks ago when I visited for a physical, but I always weigh blind in those situations because my practitioner is not an ED specialist and doesn’t really know how to support me if I have a break down about the number in the office.
Best to avoid those triggering scenarios whenever possible.
Ryan used to weigh me, but months ago we came to the agreement that this was not the best idea either.
He is my husband not my nurse, and whatever digits appeared on the scale, always made one of us upset.
Again, best to avoid that if possible.
Wednesday morning, however, he busted out the hidden scale.
“Why are we doing this?” I asked, because I personally did not want to start my day feeling judged by a piece of equipment on my bathroom floor.
“I want to know where you are and I want you to know where you are before I leave for Colorado.”
On a side note Ryan is leaving next week to visit his brother. He tends to panic a bit before he goes because I am notorious for doing poorly when he is absent for any length of time and I typically deny this or claim I am doing fine…the scale is his proof and gauge for my progress. Sad, but necessary.
He also wanted to disprove my fears that I am gaining at this exponential and uncontrollable rate, and that I in fact DO need a higher meal plan to ever get to our goals.
I stood backwards and stepped on.
To be honest, I really did not want to know because I anticipated some ridiculously high number.
He did not tell me what the exact interger was, but he did compare it with the reading from a few months ago when we went through this same process.
He was right.
I (ED) was wrong.
I should really learn never to trust that pesky negative voice that plays constantly in my head because my body has not changed near as much as I imagined.
I feel better, because my diet is more varied and I am consuming more, but it still isn’t enough.
I kind of took this as good news because I again like food.
I am HUNGRY.
I am tired and don’t push myself in my walks to go to a majorly high incline or walk faster, which is something I did do before even though I wasn’t technically supposed to.
I am trying to respond to my cravings and needs and the number today confirmed I can do that without ballooning to a million pounds.
It was as if Ryan (and the scale) gave me permission to eat.
Not that I, or anyone, should need someone else to tell them it is ok to have nourishment. It is a basic necessity that everyone, just like the description implies, NEEDS, but I have had trouble “justifying” that idea for myself.
“My body can’t have that many calories, it will just become even more of a whale.”
“I am the exception to the rest of the world and carbohydrates will go right to my thighs and they will expand instantaneously.”
“I MUST exercise everyday or I am a big fat loser.”
Do any of these things sound familiar to you?
I am really sad if they do because I know how torturous they are.
What is my point?
ED beliefs are bogus.
This is nothing new, and there are plenty of people out there who don’t think in the stupidly distorted way my brain likes to work, but I am trying to reiterate this to myself on a daily, secondly, basis so I don’t act out in ways that seem to be more natural than me taking care of me.
I hate this disease more than anything, but anyone who has gone through it, or is currently in the turmoil, will tell you, it is a constant battle…regardless of how sick and tired I am of being sick and tired.
ED, you are a liar and I don’t want to listen anymore.