The idea that I try my best to push people away, so they don’t voluntarily leave is nothing new.
It hurts less when you are doing the pushing, so why not just put up a wall instead of feeling inadequate as a person when people chose to exit your life?
Well, because there are some people I just want to keep around, so the whole stone-cold, I can handle-life myself, attitude, is no longer for me.
But there is a twist to this scenario because Ryan suggested something that started to make sense.
Getting healthy means opening myself up to being vulnerable; the emotional floodgates sometimes burst and goodness knows why I express myself the way I do, but as I told you last week, I am like a child learning to handle feelings that I have not often experienced.
He has been amazingly understanding of that, and so have the other few I have vented to, relied on and probably seemed incredibly needy around (I apologize for that) but I really just can’t seem to help it.
Anyway, back to Ryan’s thoughts…
He wondered if I stay sick because deep down I know it keeps him from leaving.
I am not saying some day he won’t get SO fed up he wouldn’t walk out the door, but I KNOW my husband has a huge heart and has often said he worried that if he was not present in my life, I would be dead long ago.
As a nurse, and a really good human-being, I don’t think he could have that on his conscious.
BUT, what if I am healthy enough to survive on my own, and he realizes, “ok, she is now out of the danger zone so finally I can make an exit.”
He assured me this won’t happen but the whole scenario is quite a paradox, considering both schools of thought conflict.
If I stay sick, closed off and like an ice-queen I send the signal for him to go away….aka goodbye Ryan and CJ.
If I get better he can determine his time as my babysitter is done and move onto someone else he actually likes, since I obviously an defective and a loser.
Neither one of these sound good to me, but as always, he made a point I never even considered because I am too busy being focused on the long run, and surface area of my recovery.
I see 30 pounds from now, not small changes that really count.
I see food, weight gain and feeling punished, rather than WHY I have this NEED to be in control at all times (you know, those pesky underlying issues?!) which is what really needs to be addressed.
It’s great that I can admit am terrified of Dairy Queen, but WHY I can’t bring myself to eat a gosh darn mixed cone with sprinkles is a little more significant than simply stating, “there’s no way in hell I am going to that drive-thru.”
Saturday was the first day I can HONESTLY say I conquered my meal plan head on and it sucked.
I FELT like I ate a ridiculous amount of food, had random combinations I am embarrassed to share, and seriously felt like I was a bottomless pit.
I wanted to crawl out of my own skin pretty much from the moment breakfast digested forward, but what I am trying to remind myself is that I am still not in a rational frame of mine. It will get easier with practice, or at least I will be able to combat the negativity a little more effectively, and most importantly Ryan wouldn’t share his insights with me if he did not care.
That last segment is crucial, because what this post all comes down to is my refusal to stepping out of my “comfortable” ED box has always been about fear.
The fear of inadequacy, abandonment, etc…
But if my husband did not LOVE me, FOR me, he wouldn’t be here anymore, and the same goes for the rest of my support system that has been nothing but spectacular during this whole process.
I would like to think the ED CJ was the worst, because who wants to be around a rigid, uptight and distant hollowed out shell?
The “in-recovery” CJ is challenging for obvious reasons, but worth spending time with during those glimpses of hope that come and go…
And the ME that you all will be stuck with when all this is over, will be GOOD enough regardless of physical shape AND have the confidence/cognitive reasoning-capabilities to know that those who don’t agree with that aren’t of much value anyway.