I need to open saying thank you for all the support you have given me after Saturday’s overly honest post.
Sometimes I think the only reason I blog is because I LOVE how wonderful this community can be, how inspiring and influential it can be to stay positive and on track, and just how it is awesome to feel so included; regardless of whether you or not you met any of your fellow “bli-ends” in person.
Because you all are so fabulous and it did briefly help to read your encouraging words, I wish I could tell you Sunday was much better.
I wanted to lie and tell you I woke up with a cheery attitude and everything was fine, but it wasn’t.
In fact I was a complete beotch to be around…actually a worse beotch to be around because my hunger was out of freakin’ control.
I am starting to have the overnight rumblings again which is NO BUENO in my book; one because it messes with my sleep pattern and two because I have such horrible guilt about a 2:30 am snack.
My brain keeps saying, “CJ tomorrow you will make up for those extra calories you consumed and you simply will just cut a few things out.”
That would be great if I had the capability of doing so, but I am no longer good at tolerating the gnawing feeling I used to thrive on.
I know this is a positive in the recovery sense but it makes it a hell of an emotional ride when you really hate yourself more than twenty-three hours of the day.
There are a few aspects of my life I haven’t mentioned on here primarily because it isn’t the right time, but my feelings are everywhere for too many reasons and I thought it might be helpful for me to jot them down and see if any of it makes sense.
*If you don’t want to read another mini-rant, you might want to come back to tomorrow for what is hopefully a much more optimistic outlook.
1. This is the one I can’t really go into detail about, but Ryan and I are going to undergo a few significant life changes in the next year; none of which I have ANY control over.
This causes me to panic because I really HATE not having a plan.
Unfortunately, most things in the world are not laid out perfectly, like I would prefer, so I just have to roll with it, but uncertainty, merged with recovery and feeling like garbage about yourself due to awful body image issues, is not being well managed by me right now.
Speaking of out of control..I am eating a lot, or what I feel is too much, and like I said, that is good from a weight restoration stand-point, but as far as my emotions are concerned…watch out!
I never lost my appetite during my restricting days, but I could ignore the pangs and noises come from my tummy. Now it is like I have no willpower which brings about that whole “out of control feeling,” similar to the one ocurring within the important parts of my life (for example if Ryan got into school).
Feeling so helpless in both respects, is absolutely driving me bonkers!!!
2. There is a particular relationship in my life that is falling apart.
Again, I feel bad being vague about this but it is not something I am overly ready to discuss in great depth because I am still trying to figure it out.
It could be a good thing that our connection to one another is disintegrating/changing, but I haven’t quite determined that for sure.
I know I am sad about the changes, but ultimately the waning trust/closeness might be better in the long run. Time will tell.
3. The Healthy Living Summit Decision
I think about this at least once a day; debate whether or not trying to sell my ticket was a good idea or not.
I am extremely sad to be missing out on time with friends, learning at the seminars, and a weekend away in a seriously cool city, but if I am being honest, the trigger factor and embarrassment that may come from me being a part of it prompted the Weaber family to conclude my absence was a better idea, and I am trying my best to stick with that attitude.
It is getting increasingly difficult for me to accept the decision, however, because that week/weekend Ryan will be in Colorado with his brother.
Like this past weekend, I am jealous of their bond and the fun they will have, while I will be at home, wallowing in negative-self-talk.
There are a few more things I will save for another time, but these three happen to be what is plaguing me at this current moment.
I told a friend, and I have stated this on here before, but it would be a problem if what is listed above WASN’T bothering me.
It would be a problem if nothing bothered me because that would mean I was still using maladaptive coping skills to handle things that invoke emotions for “normal” people.
I spent years being numb and immune to hurt, sadness, anger, etc.
Now I just seem to be those things all the time.
Happiness…will you please come out and play because you sound much more exciting that the B.S. I am feeling now.