No Lies Monday

I need to open saying thank you for all the support you have given me after Saturday’s overly honest post.

Sometimes I think the only reason I blog is because I LOVE how wonderful this community can be, how inspiring and influential it can be to stay positive and on track, and just how it is awesome to feel so included; regardless of whether you or not you met any of your fellow “bli-ends” in person.

Because you all are so fabulous and it did briefly help to read your encouraging words, I wish I could tell you Sunday was much better.

I wanted to lie and tell you I woke up with a cheery attitude and everything was fine, but it wasn’t.

In fact I was a complete beotch to be around…actually a worse beotch to be around because my hunger was out of freakin’ control.

I am starting to have the overnight rumblings again which is NO BUENO in my book; one because it messes with my sleep pattern and two because I have such horrible guilt about a 2:30 am snack.

My brain keeps saying, “CJ tomorrow you will make up for those extra calories you consumed and you simply will just cut a few things out.”

That would be great if I had the capability of doing so, but I am no longer good at tolerating the gnawing feeling I used to thrive on.

I know this is a positive in the recovery sense but it makes it a hell of an emotional ride when you really hate yourself more than twenty-three hours of the day.

There are a few aspects of my life I haven’t mentioned on here primarily because it isn’t the right time, but my feelings are everywhere for too many reasons and I thought it might be helpful for me to jot them down and see if any of it makes sense.

*If you don’t want to read another mini-rant, you might want to come back to tomorrow for what is hopefully a much more optimistic outlook.

1. This is the one I can’t really go into detail about, but Ryan and I are going to undergo a few significant life changes in the next year; none of which I have ANY control over.

This causes me to panic because I really HATE not having a plan.

Unfortunately, most things in the world are not laid out perfectly, like I would prefer, so I just have to roll with it, but uncertainty, merged with recovery and feeling like garbage about yourself due to awful body image issues, is not being well managed by me right now.

Speaking of out of control..I am eating a lot, or what I feel is too much, and like I said, that is good from a weight restoration stand-point, but as far as my emotions are concerned…watch out!

I never lost my appetite during my restricting days, but I could ignore the pangs and noises come from my tummy. Now it is like I have no willpower which brings about that whole “out of control feeling,” similar to the one ocurring within the important parts of my life (for example if Ryan got into school).

Feeling so helpless in both respects, is absolutely driving me bonkers!!!

2. There is a particular relationship in my life that is falling apart.

Again, I feel bad being vague about this but it is not something I am overly ready to discuss in great depth because I am still trying to figure it out.

It could be a good thing that our connection to one another is disintegrating/changing, but I haven’t quite determined that for sure.

I know I am sad about the changes, but ultimately the waning trust/closeness might be better in the long run. Time will tell.

3. The Healthy Living Summit Decision

I think about this at least once a day; debate whether or not trying to sell my ticket was a good idea or not.

I am extremely sad to be missing out on time with friends, learning at the seminars, and a weekend away in a seriously cool city, but if I am being honest, the trigger factor and embarrassment that may come from me being a part of it prompted the Weaber family to conclude my absence was a better idea, and I am trying my best to stick with that attitude.

It is getting increasingly difficult for me to accept the decision, however, because that week/weekend Ryan will be in Colorado with his brother.

Like this past weekend, I am jealous of their bond and the fun they will have, while I will be at home, wallowing in negative-self-talk.

Awesome.

There are a few more things I will save for another time, but these three happen to be what is plaguing me at this current moment.

I told a friend, and I have stated this on here before, but it would be a problem if what is listed above WASN’T bothering me.

It would be a problem if nothing bothered me because that would mean I was still using maladaptive coping skills to handle things that invoke emotions for “normal” people.

I spent years being numb and immune to hurt, sadness, anger, etc.

Now I just seem to be those things all the time.

Happiness…will you please come out and play because you sound much more exciting that the B.S. I am feeling now.

Thanks πŸ™‚

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11 thoughts on “No Lies Monday

  1. 1. The feeling of being in control during an Eating Disorder or your recovery process is very deceiving. While you’re starving,you might feel perfectly in control even though actually,the total opposite is the case: Instead of YOU being in self-control,your Eating Disorder is in control of everything you do,think,or say. Therefore,you’ve actually LOST control about your life,despite the impression of safety your routines and compulsions are giving you.
    In recovery,once you’re starting to let go of your Eating Disorder and truly fight against it,you’re quickly getting the impression it can’t be right what your body tells you; it can’t be right to eat that “much” and that “often” after having been able to live off such tiny amounts of food before. Clearly,this is absolutely ridiculous if you only consider how terribly your body is lacking on nourishment and energy after such a long time of deprivation and how much your body has to catch up on nutrients to repair muscles,organs and bones.
    Of course,it is not enjoyable to go through this process because it’s scary,terrifying and a total contrast to everything you’ve been used to during the past few years/ months (depending on how long you’re suffering from your ED already),but let me assure you it is NORMAL.
    Alright?

    2. I don’t know any details about the respective relationship,but with time passing,people can change. It’s not only yourself,but also others who change their directions,behaviours,their minds,and that’s all the way okay. I know it’s not easy to accept,but several relationships aren’t supposed to hold life-long. Try to not stress about it too much,and don’t ever change only because you think it could “save” a relationship,that’s crap. You are you,and you’re wonderful this way. And who knows what kind of friends your future is holding for you already?

    3. It’s understandable that you regret your choice sometimes,but I am honestly convinced it was the best you could ever have done in your current situation,CJ. If you’re in a better and safer place next year,the HLS will be much more enjoyable and fun anyways – always remeber that!

    I hope you have a nice day,girl. Stay strong and keep holding on,you’re worth it! β™₯

  2. So sorry you’re going through a rough time. And major props to you for putting up with the boys this weekend – I think that alone would have made me a bitch ha! Just remember that your body is sending you hunger signals for a reason. The more that you listen and feed yourself, the more your body will trust the process and get to where it needs to be. Let me know if you ever want to talk!!

    • thanks hunni! i was actually going to see if we could plan our little yoga date soon! send me some weekends that might work for you and andy! and if they cant work it out then just you and I will do some yoga and fro-yo πŸ˜‰

  3. Your honoring your hunger pains are not a lack of willpower. It is a sign that part of you, no matter how small, is seriously ready to start listening to and valuing what your body is telling you. I remember being so POd in treatment when I started getting hungry in the middle of the night. I wanted to tell my body it must be wrong. I wanted to scream at the dietitians for putting me through that and I was just plain ANGRY. But, it passed. You will get through it. Stick with your goals. I know it’s really hard – I just wanted a formula for what to eat, when to eat and not have feelings about it. But that’s not the way life works. I’m sorry you’re struggling with it right now, but “the only way out is through.” <– great song by Alanis.

    It sounds like there are a LOT of feelings going on in your life – do you have ways to cope with them without food and exercise? I think it's great you have a blog to use as a journal. I guess I'm just wondering what other tools you might be able to use? I know you like dance, but are there any other tools you have that don't have such a precarious link to the eating disorder?

    • For me dance doesnt really have a link to my eating disorder, just unfortunately the side effects from it can impact recovery progress physically. This means perhaps an extra trip for frozen yogurt which I really cant argue with πŸ˜‰

      But I have to agree with you about the misguided anger…i feel like my body is punishing me! punishing me for all the damage I have caused it and it makes me so mad!

      I know this is completely illogical but what in the eating disorder world isnt?!

  4. I know the out of control feeling is scary. It was tough for me during weight restoration for that same reason. I felt like I was eating out of control. In reality, my body needed it and I wasn’t going too far. It just felt like it because of my past restrictive mindset. Give yourself some time and patience. You are working hard and that shows. I know you have a lot on your plate but know I understand FULLY where you are coming from. It is a tough battle that is worth fighting. Email me if you ever need a vent – I have been following you for a while even if I may have not commented.

    • Alex, you have no idea how much I appreciate your comment. I actually might have to send you an e-mail because I feel like a monster since the out of control eating is causing me to be a nightmare to my poor husband and friends. its almost like i am too embarassed and ashamed at myself so i lash out on others. then i get embarassed because of that. it is all very frustrating, which you obviously understand.

      thank you again for your encouragement. ❀

  5. CJ,
    Your blog always reminds me of how much we are all going through the same things. I read everyday, but don’t always have the will write a decent response. But today was one of those days when I just wanted to let you know that your rants aren’t in vain… I’m right there with you in the appetite/will power war. It sucks. My ability to think logically/rationally makes me not compensate with behaviors… but the guilty feelings remain. I don’t know if it helps, but I try to remember that I was once at a healthy weight, with a healthy food relationsihp, and I can get to that place again. I’ve just got to eat.

    And in my experience… relationships are like closet cleaning… you pull alllll the sh*t out… and then you can start to make it better! Again… I’m not there now… but I can see an itty bitty light.

    Hang in there, CJ! I’m probably preaching to the choir… and i’m still shy of my gw… but everything really does get better when the weight goes on, and stays on. There’s definitely a cusp, where body image comes in… but you can’t deny the biological positives (mood,staminia, sleep quality) that come wiht weight restoration πŸ™‚

    • I am sad that you relate so well to what I write, because I know how difficult it it.

      I love you analogy to the closet!!!! I read it to my husband right away and he was like “that is so perfect for you, you have to believe it!!!”

      Thank you for making me smile, Erin. πŸ™‚

  6. Pingback: The Gnu Winner And WIAW Self-Discovery | Healthy, Happy, Whole

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