Volcanic Eruption: Emotional Overload!

I have been an emotional nut bag lately.

Its kind of weird because before I never cried, rarely got mad, and kind of kept to myself when any sort of feelings got uncomfortable, but now they just sort of emerge and I have trouble keeping them at bay.

After my snack the other night I had a bit of a freak out, put my head in my hands, knees to my chest, and just cried.

That is not normal in the non-ED world, and as I refused to talk to my husband, since to be honest, I didn’t really know what the hell was going through my mind; he just went upstairs and waited for me to come to bed to chat when I was ready.

No one likes to see their loved ones struggle, especially when there isn’t much they can say or do that will help, so I do feel bad when my family has to deal with these awkward times when I can’t really articulate why I am physically displaying emotions they aren’t used to.

The truth of the matter is, I think this is a good sign.

Using ED behaviors was a way for me to numb and suppress all the things I had inside. Typically when those coping strategies are taken away, the rawness is revealed and my true self starts to emerge. This tends to be a bit chaotic at first; almost like an explosion since I don’t really know the healthy way to express feelings that are so unfamiliar, BUT, what I explained to Ryan and what I have to keep in mind is that this is totally temporary.

I wont have mood swings like a pregnant lady forever…it is just until I form a healthy relationship and eliminate the negative thinking I used to relate with crying and anger, that everything will start to level out.

I look at it like my meal plan.

If you ever talk to someone who throws themselves into recovery and commits completely to eating what they are supposed to, their metabolisms can rev and appetite shoots through the roof.

When I was in the hospital and they actually started feeding me thousands of calories a day, despite the hefty portions at breakfast, I was always ready for lunch when it came around because my body thought I would soon starve it again so it needed to store up on nutrition.

Fortunately I was in a safe environment and had professionals around to support me as I truly believed my body was rebelling and providing some mean form of torture by WANTING the 6,000 calories it was consuming.

A good bit later, when I got home and my weight was MORE normal, the cravings kind of subsided and I ate meals similar to my husband.

The point is, our bodies know us pretty well.

It is absolutely natural for a person to HAVE and SHOW their feelings and is actually quite appropriate in many situations. That is just a difficult concept to grasp for someone who is obsessed with being in control of their lives, and when these uncommon tears and rage start coming, you kind of feel like the Hulk.

So similar to the scenario described with the food, emotional expression means a person is positively responding to the recovery process; no longer completely anesthetized to the world.

As soon as you start to acquire an “insane” desire for more food…as soon as the flood gates open or you start stamping your feet like a five-year old just because you are mad your husband asks you to have another serving….as soon as those things start to happen, you can rest assured you are on the right track.

Just don’t be like me in the past who starts experiencing these things and runs in the opposite direction, because I promise you are actually re-gaining the control over your life despite what ED tells you, and your support system will understand.

…Afterall, you are on your way to becoming the you they have wanted back all along, red-nose and screaming fits aside.

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18 thoughts on “Volcanic Eruption: Emotional Overload!

  1. Hey love!

    You are SO strong and SO beautiful! You have come so far and I know you will never go back to that dark place, you know why? You are worth way too much to, you are beautiful, and damn you only get one life!

    Stay strong, enjoy life, and stay positive as much as you can!

  2. I can totally relate to how your feeling right now. I can feel myself getting more emotional, ever since I started attending therapy again. Its amazing how my emotions really come full force when I have to deal with them. Sometimes these happen and I agree that they are good, we are used to using our ED’s to hide from out emotions and disguise them, once we begin to build our nutrition our body begins to feel and it is so scary, but necessary and the hardest part is to accept this anxiety we feel. Expressing yourself this way is so helpful and you are such a strong person!xo

    • Ahhh therapy can be SO difficult sometimes! but it is also really helpful so I am glad you are utilizing that method of support 🙂 YOU are strong, lady and I am really looking forward to meeting you soon!!!

  3. I think it’s a great sign! I’ve learned recently that when we starve, the part of our brain that regulates emotioni doesn’t function well. For me, this meant that I didn’t cry when everyone else was and I did ‘t laugh like everyone else. I’ve started crying over sad songs/movies again, and as odd as it seems, it’s super exciting! Keep it up! 🙂

  4. This post had so many great reminders, especially when you said “It is absolutely natural for a person to HAVE and SHOW their feelings and is actually quite appropriate in many situations”. That is something I can totally relate to, as my instincts are to hide all thoughts and emotions (which isn’t natural!).

    Thanks for sharing this post 🙂

  5. I think the reason I have always been drawn to your blog and Tessa’s the most is that you both have the ability to rationalize and put into words exactly what you are feeling AND consider the other (logical, reasonable) side of things. I think it’s extremely important to know and understand your ED and yourself (the person you are WITH your ED and the person you are also suppressing with the ED) in order to truly get better.

    But I think the only thing that is disheartening and sad to see is when you post pictures once in a blue moon like you did from your recent Europe trip. It’s like the blog posts about eating more and trying to honor your hunger and realizing that it’s normal to feel ravenous, etc. are things you can rationalize in your mind, but not really act upon as much as you wish you could. Because if you truly have been committed to recovery, I think there would have been a change from last year’s Healthy Living Summit that I commented on to this year’s Europe trip! But… sadly, and I know you have commented on this, there hasn’t been any change.

    I know I bring up my story way too much, but really CJ, you HAVE to gain weight MUCH faster — GET IT OVER WITH! You’re only going in circles and keeping recovery at bay. You’re much too smart and understand nutrition better than most people — let yourself be a healthy, thriving woman. I promise the obsessions and the awkward hunger and mood swings will subside… it gets better, but you HAVE to gain weight first. Period.

    • Jess! It is good to hear from you. I definitely agree that my process has been slow, stagnant, gone backwards way more than it has forward.
      I havent checked my comments for a few days just because of a few personal obligations I have had and it is ironic I see your post right now.
      I spent a good bit of time outside today in support of my husband, walking, sweating, etc. and my body has been more hungry, so I reponded and had an extra snack. My first instinct was OMG I CANT BELIEVE I JUST ATE THAT!!!! and then I read this and felt a bit more calm! (obviously ED is there trying to fight back, but you definitely helped 🙂 )
      Thank you for the encouragement and believing that I can recover, even after nearly a year of teeter-tottering around.
      These past few weeks I have been strong, but I pray it continues because strength, support and trust are truly the best allies in this game.
      Hope all is well, lady!!!

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