If there is one thing I definitively know is true about recovery, it is that no program, no diet, no meal plan, nothing can make you recover unless YOU want to. That is why I never came close…no matter what hospital they sent me to, how great the treatment team was, how much they fed me or prevented me from exercising, I was not ready to admit fully, or comply with what it took to stay on the path necessary to free myself from ED.
Looking back on the weekend, although I learned so much valuable information, probably the most important thing I took away was a renewed desire to get healthy. I feel like up until HLS I was doing well…it had been 12 days since I counted calories (ha, I now switched to counting days!) I wasn’t over-exercising, I was listening to my body and nourishing it when it was hungry, but last week was a hard one. I had a frustrating nutrition appointment, was so nervous about meeting 230 new people, had major feelings of inadequacy, many unexpected food challenges occurred, and overall on Thursday I was just feeling less than inspired about putting in the work required to heal.
So Friday begins…The Frito-Lays presentation was first thing, followed by a luncheon at El Vez, hosted by a company I really respect and enjoy being a part of…I am having a bit of an anxiety attack in my mind, thinking; “Oh my gosh, I am going to have to taste everything at the test kitchen, then go directly to a MEXICAN lunch at a restaurant where I don’t even know the menu, and they are probably loading the dishes up with butter and oil and….”
And what? Who cares?! It is one day, one weekend, with people that are awesome, amazing food, and a sense of community that you have not felt in a very long time. Sit back, relax and enjoy the moment! People would kill to have these opportunities and I was essentially ruining them prematurely.
I was still very anxious throughout the morning, but lightened up as Krissie J and I finally met, acted like our goofy-selves, chit-chatted and totally rocked the chef hats!
Once I arrived at El Vez, and started conversing with the rest of the group, honestly, I was so consumed by the present (WOW this was something new) that I was only thinking, “oh my gosh I love these people, this is so much fun!” and “holy shmoly this is the best guacamole ever!” By the time fro-yo rolled around I was just so happy to be included, any negative thought that came my way I tried to squash before it could even really effect me.
Finally I found something I was enjoying that was a real hobby other than exercise! And it had helped me surround myself with people I felt a connection with! It had not had those feelings in so long.
You see eating disorders are so secretive, so deceptive and lonely that you don’t have time for relationships other than you, and ED. It was such a blessing to feel warmth again that I did not want to let irrational anxiety take it away.
It was the same thing at the cocktail party, and the next day at breakfast, the lectures, lunch, breaks in between and finally dinner and just sitting around hanging out. I loved hearing from other women about their health aspirations, journey’s toward balanced living, home lives, everything! I appreciated the feeling of togetherness, and laughter! Something, like I said, that does not happen often when you are in the depth of an addiction.
Just conversing with my fellow bloggers (and readers!!!) made me realize how much I have been missing being isolated and consumed by such darkness. I was actually jealous of the running group that did 14 miles before the summit! What an accomplishment, and how awesome to unite with a common goal even though you may have never met in person! I loved seeing everyone smile and have fun, and how beautiful they all looked in their cocktail dresses and yoga pants! Everyone was strong, athletic, put together…and I felt like an awkward, thin haired, mess.
Being around all the attendees helped renew my spirit; provided another 458738956734986 reasons why I need to stick to it! Push beyond what is comfortable, defy all the stupid rules my mind has made up for me, and reframe the unrealistic lifestyle I have been living for so long!
What a fantastic weekend on so many levels! Of course I will recap more of the events, food and seminars, but tonight I am just happy. Happy, hungry and hopeful 🙂
What is one positive thing about your weekend???