Ice Cream Is The Answer

I have this friend, who is pretty awesome, and she and I have a saying.

Ok, well, two sayings.

“Music is the answer.”

Or, “Pizza is the answer.”

I don’t really think anyone can argue with those two statements, and I especially believe them to be true since music has pretty much been my savior during my recovery and there are many days when nothing satisfies me more than the crunchy italian specialty, BUT, yesterday I added something else to my list of “answers;” ice cream.

I have professed my love for make your own fro-yo, and of course my infatuation with Arctic Zero…and even expressed the joy that came from trying Butter Pecan ice cream for the first time when we were in Walt Disney World, but if I am being honest, despite the desires I have had for ice cream the last few weeks, they have pretty much gone ignored.

I mean, I didn’t run out to the store when my body said, “a cold novelty would taste really good right now…ice cream would feel fantastic on this pain in the ass sore throat I have had for weeks…”

I ignored all those signals my stomach was sending my brain because I was no longer on vacation and no longer deserved such an “indulgent treat.”

Well yesterday, my mom won a free room at The Borgata and treated me to a night at the Atlantic City hotel and Casino, and an outing to see Adrian Lux at Mur Mur.

Borgata 041

But before we slept in the amazingly comfortable bed, or danced the night away with one of my favorite DJ’s, I had ice cream.

Which, no pun intended, caused me to have a major melt down.

Post dinner, as we were in the room relaxing and getting ready I freaked out about the two scoops of Ben and Jerry’s I decided to have for dessert. (One of Frozen Greek Banana Peanut Butter and another of the Greek Blueberry Graham, both, eating disorder thoughts aside, are freakin’ delicious.)

Anyway, all I could think about was how weighted down I felt, how bloated and fat I felt in my clothes; how I was embarrassed because of my “gluttonous” choice after I had already had enough for dinner.

Thankfully I have a wonderful husband who reminded me that two months ago seeing a world-famous DJ and dancing for a few hours was completely out of the question due to my low body weight and concern from the doctors.

…Who reminded me that I do not need to exercise hours on end to “deserve” any sort of nutrition, even ice cream that I claimed had no benefit to my body whatsoever (FYI your body can use ANY kind of nutrient in moderation so there is no such thing as a “bad” food).

After my tantrum subsided I put some deep thought into the ridiculous statements I made to my husband, and the tears I shed to my mom, I came to the realization I am obviously not challenging myself enough.

Ice cream is still a challenge for me.

Even pizza I can only justify on nights we go out, or days I am allowed to exercise.

Like I said, food/nutrition is not only needed on days of excessive movement or caloric burn and that mind-set is just going to keep me stuck.

This means I need to a. try more fear foods, b. try them more often c. reframe the thoughts that come after.

This is by no means going to be easy, but I thought I would link up with a friend who is pretty new to the blog world but has a really great thing going…

Freedom From Fear Fridays.

My new friend Jessica is doing a really cool thing by encouraging others to join her in her quest to abolish the stigmas we have around certain foods.  Of course everyone’s recovery is different, and for some people fat may be a major fear while carbs are for someone else…

The point is, challenge YOUR fears…not just in the realm of food, but for life in general because it truly is the only way to conquer them.

Cliche I know, but absolutely true.

I am already brainstorming for this Friday.

Happy Tuesday my friends.  Make it an awesome week!!

F*ck Fear Friday

I recently got a comment from someone who could relate to my prior lack of socialization and concluded some of her reclusiveness stemmed from past situations that made her distrust or uncomfortable in groups.

Honestly, I could have written her words myself because when it comes to making new friends, especially female friends, I proceed with caution.

I have been hurt, like, A LOT, in the past.

And some of the people I felt were closest to me turned out to disappoint the most; either by talking behind my back, a lack of inclusion, or just by being blatantly and directly mean.

I harbored resentment for these people, and instances, for a really long time and allowed the emotional impact it had deter me from opening up and finding new people to connect with.

I believed that just because a few people hurt my feelings, everyone was out to do the same thing and would eventually just let me down so it was best to shut down and be a hermit.

Well, let me tell you; that didn’t work so well either, because I ended up finding a very self-destructive replacement that tried to kill me….

Anyway, a huge aspect of my recovery that involves not only food but a ton of emotions is being open to take some risks; try new things, and put myself out there for the world to see.

One of the scariest components of this challenge is associating with and becoming close with other women.

I have mentioned Brielle on here several times and she has been a HUGE asset/wonderful addition to my life.

Not only has she helped me conquer a few items on my list of getting-healthy “must-do’s,” but she is also one of the most fun people I have ever met.

It has been nearly a week since I have seen her and as weird as this may sound I really missed enjoying dinner across the table and a little fro-yo dessert with my friend these past few days. As Chobani would tweet, “People watching and sharing yogurt with a friend…#nothingbutgood.”

Similarly, I met another fabulous companion on one of Ryan and my visits to Rumor in Philadelphia, and over the last month we have formed a friendship that I cherish whole-heartedly.

Both of these women make me want to be better and push me to do so.

And they also help me realize how much I was missing by living in fear, alone, on my couch….or treadmill ( 😦 ), and it breaks my heart that I was responsible for the misery in which I lived.

Don’t let being scared prevent you from being happy. You really have nothing to lose by taking a risk so today, make it your motto and proclaim this “F*ck Fear Friday.”

What do you think?

What holds you back from living the life YOU want?

WIAW and Some Serious Hunger

I envy my husband for sometimes being able to sleep in like he is back in college.

This can translate into him having breakfast, when I am already on my lunch, because his body is just not hungry right when it wakes up.

I am the opposite and always have been.

Morning is probably the time I am MOST hungry, and we got into an interesting conversation the other day as he was headed off to work…having just had a bowl of frosted mini-wheats, tossing a blueberry bagel in his backpack along with his lunch.

“I need something for the road.”

I have to admit, this made me feel a bit better about the bagel I had the goal of eating that day, so I appreciated his choice.

When he got home that night we started talking about hunger, and my immense fear of the appetite that is relatively new to me.

I am not one of those who used to restrict and say, “well I was never hungry anyway, so it wasn’t that hard.”

For those out there who did not experience any sort of ravenous clawing at their stomachs as they limited their intake, I just don’t know how that is possible.

I certainly got good at ignoring the pains and incessant grumbles that were there to remind me of my malnourished state, but if I was really honest with myself and all of you, the majority of time I was ready to eat my arm, I was that famished.

Now that I am feeding myself, I am SHOCKED at how much I can easily put away in a day without feeling excessively full.

There are times I am satisfied, mentally stuffed, and definitely bloated, but it is not difficult for me to reach 2000 calories in the physical sense.

To be more clear, my personal, tentative meal plan, is a minimum of 2500, and that is not super challenging physically if I do not gorge myself with water, a ton of veggies and fruits, and the 48560486 cans of seltzer I am used to, but mentally, holy shmoly I tend to have a panic attack when I reach a certain point.

Then I start to question…

Do I really need to have as big of a night-time snack?

I can gain on less than this.

2500 is way too fast!

*Please keep in mind this is rational CJ talking from this point on…

Past experience does not prove that 2500 makes me gain OVERLY fast.

In fact, it was pretty darn slow according to my family, treatment team, and any other person who has a logical brain.

Some weeks it would be up more than others, but that is pretty natural with ANYONE, as the body fluctuates throughout the day, at certain times of the month, etc.

So it isn’t as if 2500 is going to make me balloon up overnight or be at my goal weight, really, anytime in the near future, but regardless of my previous efforts in recovery, I always think it is going to be different, forgetting the reality and put on the breaks because I am scared of change.

This isn’t anything you don’t already know. I mean, hello, there is obviously something, or a bunch of things, holding me back, or I would be way farther along in my process by now, but the truth is, my body CRAVES recovery calories.

As soon as it gets the signal that it might get them, or somewhere close to them, it DEMANDS that they are consumed.

This is something I also remember from the last 85648684 attempts I have had at following an appropriate meal plan, but it is still incredibly terrifying.

Ryan was trying to assure me of how “normal” my body is reacting to my recent nourishment after the “bagel to-go” morning, because he said, if he eats breakfast before work, he is ravenous all day!

He is moving, busy, burning lots of energy and his metabolism is revved by food he gave it right off the bat, so his appetite is often much bigger than days when he skips breakfast or wakes up around noon and only gets to his first meal at a leisurely pace.

When he gives his body fuel it is more efficient and responsive, and therefore needs MORE!

That sounds just like me!!!

I am so damn hungry right now…like I said this weekend, it was sometimes every 2 hours I was ready for MORE…and perhaps that is because my engine is ready to start again!

You may or may not have heard of hyper metabolism; something many those in recovery experience when they enter inpatient facilities and are fed larger quantities of nutrient dense foods, because their bodies go into overdrive to repair, heal and LIVE, that they require immense amounts to gain or even maintain their weight.

I am not in a hyper metabolic state right now, because I am not providing myself with THAT much, but it is a fact that your body is kind of like a car.

It requires fuel to function, and without it, it can only really coast. It conserves any resource it has or gets because it doesn’t want to die, but when it has what it needs it can work pretty effectively, speedily, and WAKES UP.

I might be in the jump-start stage where I just need a bit more gas to get going and that COULD be why I am so hungry.

Of course this is just a guess, but it does provide a little comfort about my ferocious appetite.

But, since I am trying to make recovery as tolerable as possible, why not celebrate Jenn’s good old tradition of What I Ate Wednesday, by having a little fun?!

Here is What I WISH I Was Eating Wednesday, if there was no ED voice, and I had access to all the delicious things I have seen floating around the blog world lately…

Great Harvest Mainline Crunch

…preferably made into some french toast with fresh fruit like I made for Ryan this summer…

Awhile ago, my “local” (I drive an hour for their delicious products!!!!) Great Harvest sent me a loaf of their signature bread.

Oh my gosh, it was heavenly.

Unfortunately we only ever make it that way on weekends, and Mainline Crunch is featured Mondays, so I rarely ever get to have this in my bread box, but last week, when Ryan and I were picking up his Easter bread, I was totally hoping they would have MLC specially for the holiday.

Sadly not 😦

But, next weekend I will be in Charlottesville for a little romantic getaway with Ryan, and my great friend Lauren raves about the C-Ville Crunch at Kath’s bakery, so I am just praying to get my hands on some to satisfy my craving.

Smeared with some Fresh-a-Peel Pumpkin hummus, or the next item I am totally dying to try…wow, the combo might be unbeatable.

Yes, PB Crave, you sound like you would be delicious on pretty much anything.

I need to just order some of this already.

I have 4 open jars of various nut butters in my pantry, so I really wanted to wait until they were finished before I purchased any more, but I keep seeing this pop up everywhere!!!

It is as if it is calling my name to buy it!

My indecisiveness does not make it any easier because I cannot for the life of me figure out which to try first, but how good do these concoctions sound?! Cookie Nookie?! YES PLEASE!

And wouldn’t that taste amazing as a topper for some TCBY Frozen Yogurt?!

Healthy Diva I swear you introduce me to so many things! When I saw this on your blog a few weeks ago, I couldn’t help but think of the many memories I have going to TCBY with my mom, getting the white chocolate soft serve in a cone, and being so happy…until it closed when I was about six years old and I haven’t been able to find a store since!

Now I just might be able to have a little fro-yo anytime I want. I am a soft serve girl at heart, but that’s what the microwave and a few twirls of my spoon are for!

And finally, Ryan did pick this out at Trader Joes this week, and although it would not have initially caught my eye, it is pretty darn good; Monkey Business Trek Mix.

Dried Bananas, cocoa nibs, dried cherries and peanuts…sweet and salty amazing-ness.

I had never had a dried banana, but they are delectable, so obviously when they are paired with a little chocolate, it is absolutely fantastic and a great mid-afternoon pick me up for when my energy is starting to drag. Anyone else get like that after a holiday break?

I would also like to re-stock that Pumpkin Hummus I mentioned above, since that was devoured in less than a week, and a few other items that I will save for next week, but I leave you with a question…

If you could have anything in the world to eat, right this very second, what would be on your wish list?

Hooray for short weeks!

Williamsburg Weekend!

Hey Guys!

I hope everyone had a super nice weekend.  As I mentioned in a previous post I was lucky enough to have a little mini-vacay the past few days!  My husband, in-laws and I headed down to Williamsburg for a little history, relaxation and fun.

Ryan and I left early friday morning and broke up the drive with a stop at Jason’s Deli.  Oh my goodness, has anyone ever been there?! There are so so so many choices! I had a hard time chosing but I finally decided on The Mediterranean Wrap with roasted red pepper humus and turkey, along with some nice crunchy baked chips on the side.  It was so refreshing and the perfect way to stretch our legs after three hours in the car.  I wish we had one closer, but I will definitely remember to stop here when we go back to Williamsburg in December.

When we got there it seriously downpoured to the point that you could barely see through the windshield!  So what does one do to brighten the mood on a rainy day like this?! SHOPPING! At a covered outlet mall of course!  These outlets had literally everything….Banana Republic, Lacoste, Harry and David, Kate Spade, Under Armour, etc.  We could have seriously spent days there.

But after a few hours and way too much money spent we went to explore Merchant Square, an area right outside colonial Williamsburg with a little more historic flare, and it started raining again.  It was almost six thirty anyway so Ryan suggested we go find a place for dinner.  We decided on a little pizza shop, zpizza, which apparently is a chain.  Wow.  It was seriously some of the best pizza I have had in a very long time.  Flatbread, with arugula, chicken sausage and plenty of veggies.  But the best part was, right across the street was a SWEET FROGS!  Now I have read about Sweet Frogs on a bunch of blogs and could not wait to give it a try.  Let me tell you, it did not disappoint!  There were so many flavors and toppings to choose from we ended up going all three nights of our trip!  When does moderation turn into obsession?! It was too good to pass up and we do not have anything like it near our hometown.  Ryan was hooked from his first taste of cake batter.  It was an easy sell to get him back there Saturday and Sunday.

The last two days of our trip were spent touring the historic homes and landmarks of colonial Williamsburg.  We saw so much but my favorites had to be The Withe Home, Randolph Home, Governor’s Mansion, the Capital and Basset Hall.  I know that seems like a lot but honestly if you are into history at all, Williamsburg is such a fantastic place to spend a weekend, enjoy a piece of the past, and indulge in some seriously delicious food.

Other places we went were…

The Trelis (http://www.thetrellis.com/)

-gorgeous place to dine outside with homemade nut and grain bread and featuring locally grown produce

Bonefish Grill

-I love Bonefish because you can pretty much create your own fish dish.  This time I went with the Shrimp and Scallop Skewers grilled with mango salsa and fresh steamed vegetables but I have never had a bad meal here.

Christiana Campbell’s (http://www.history.org/visit/diningExperience/christianaCampbells/)

-historic tavern, with meals a little too heavy for my taste, but it was a really cool atmosphere and kept up the spirit of the colonial period.  I mean, it does boast being George Washington’s favorite!

It was sad to leave this morning but once we got on the road I just wanted to get home and get situated.  I have a really busy week working fourteen days in a row, and celebrating my dad’s, mom’s and my husband’s birthday all within a seven-day stretch!  Time management will be key!

What’s your favorite weekend getaway?