The Many Hats of Me

Good Morning,

I realize I have, again, continued to be MIA for longer than I anticipated but I have good reason.

I was finally honest with myself and realized the bloggining community…at least the blogging community I was trying to fit in with…was hurting me more than it was helping.

Even those who write about recovery and seem so positive and uplifting, generally still have a lot of issues that need to be worked out, and were detrimental to my progress in the sense that I continued to compare myself with their photos, struggles, etc.

The people I know who are doing the best in recovery, and happiest in life in-general, are not those writing about it every day, isolated wherever their lap tops are located, but those out in the world actually LIVING.

I do not intend for the above paragraphs to be offensive in any way, just a personal observation and reason for my absense.

All that being said, why is it that I am now writing at 8:30 in the morning on a wednesday? 

Because I felt like it and I love writing.

I have written about 60 posts in the last two months that are either sitting in my documents folder or have been deleted because they didn’t fit into my old blogging “genre.”

I don’t have a genre, nor do I want to, but I do want to continue writing, whether it be publicly somewhere like this, or tucked away for only my eyes to see.

The past few months have brought about many changes in my life, and after a lot of reflection and some seriously difficult therapy, I can finally admit that the person I was most of my adult life was nothing like who I wanted to be. 

I think I, like many college and young twenty-something-year olds, I tried to wear a variety of different hats, because I had no freakin’ idea about my place in the world.

I felt lost in the shuffle because no longer did I have organized athletics, grades, part-time jobs, to fill my time and make me feel accomplished and it was now my responsibility to find a group of friends, a career and routine that worked for me as an adult, and obviously I did not handle it well.

I entered an occupation that was honestly perfect on paper, but was not meant for my talents and/or personal preferences.

I had about zero friends because all the people I spent time with in college moved out of my lame hometown. <—obviously I should have followed their lead 😉

OR I was the complete odd ball because who gets married at 21 and doesn’t want to have kids?!

Anyway, once I started getting in an isolated, depressed funk, it spiraled downward and I was not the capable of digging myself out of the hole.

I relied on my treadmill, cookbooks, and a calorie counter for entertainment and to determine my self-worth and it completely snowballed into poor health, even worse self-esteem and lonliness.

Fortunately I had Ryan by my side every step of the way and he reminded me of all I have to live for, but every day is a struggle.  (Um, or every week is a struggle if you count this one…)

I want to continue to write because I truly do enjoy it and I think my situation is pretty relatable to a lot of people; eating disordered or not, but I am going to reiterate something I have said in the past and that is that I don’t always want to write about food, exercise, etc. because there is a ton more to me than those things.

Personally I prefer Disney World to a pasta recipe, and I would rather dance my butt off to some Mark Knight than be on a treadmill, so when I do write, it could be tips on how to maximize your travel experience while minimizing the cost, or just posting an awesome podcast that is improving my mood.

It could be the fish taco recipe that Ryan raved was the best thing I ever made or it could be an incline work out that I didn’t think was totally lame and boring and that made me feel strong and empowered.

It could be about the killer deal I just snagged at H&M on glitter tights because obviously every woman should have a little sparkle in their wardrobe, or maybe even a devotional I read that really hit home that day.

Who knows, but regardless, I appreciate all the love and support you have given me through this process, variety of topics, and long periods of absence.  Without you, my husband and some very special friends, I don’t even want to think about where my life would be now.

So cheers, because today is a new day and a fresh start…and it’s only two days until the weekend 🙂


6 thoughts on “The Many Hats of Me

  1. Hi CJ, I am almost positive I saw you at the Denver airport on 12/22 around 9am! I recognized you and your husband. Maybe I’m wrong but it sure looked like you! I was traveling to Denver to spend Christmas with my family. Just wanted to tell you that you look beautiful in person and that this is a great post today. I hope you are well. Don’t ever stop fighting the good fight!

    • awe i wish it was me but i was here in boring old PA!!! Ryan is headed to colorado soon and I wish I was going with him but unfortunately I wont be attending that trip either 😦 I hope you had a wonderful christmas and thanks for being so supportive!!!

  2. Totally okay with you posting about NOT food! Although I would love that fish taco recipe? And spill the beans on those H&M sparkle tights!! Your blog should reflect you as a whole person, and your recovery is not everything that you are. You are a beautiful, wonderful person, so post about all the things that make you so amazing!

    • Ha the fish tacos were so so easy…I actually just bought frozen Mahi Mahi at Trader Joes…preheated the oven to 350 convection…rubbed the fish in Mrs. Dash Salt Free Southwest Chipotle and Carribean Citrus, then used Demmascaus Bakery Roll-ups lightly toasted in the oven with some cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, wholly guac and plain chobani! then of course i threw on a pile of salsa and the flavors were just perfect!! Next time I was to use some mango salsa as well!

      and the tights…those will have to be photographed! i got sparkly ones and leapord print!

      Thanks for being so supportive!! xoxox

  3. This is so awesome. I visit your blog occasionally, and can I just tell you how much amazing progress you have made? I can relate to your experience and it is one of the most unique feelings in the world to reflect on past behaviors and realize…dddeeeennnniiaaaallllllllll. I mean this only in a positive and encouraging way! Sometimes it’s almost sort of funny to think about things I used to do, “But I’m ok! I know what I’m doing! F**K you!” And now I realize…whoops! Hope you know what I mean:) Anyways, congratulations to you and your amazing journey! Seriously, you have done some amazing work crawling out of this dark hole. xoxo. L.

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