The Truth

I got an e-mail the other night with a question that made me think I am not necessarily giving the WHOLE picture of what my process is like at this current moment.

She asked how I am dealing with the weight gain because that is an aspect of her recovery that is proving to be a major challenge.

Honestly, the increased body size SUCKS.

Like it, f*cking sucks.

I use the F-word here because I don’t know if I can accurately convey to you how much I HATE the FEELINGS I have about my tummy pooch and an increased number on the scale.

And if I am going to completely confess where I am today, in this moment, I am not handling the poundage well.

My two past posts have been pretty positive, and that is because I was feeling great when I wrote them.

I am not feeling completely horrible or hopeless today, but last night I would be omitting a major truth if I did not tell you I actually pounded my fist on the floor in frustration because I felt like a lazy-ass for sitting around watching Christmas movies all day, and basically sleeping most of Saturday.

As Ryan looked at me with annoyance, because my progress is not nearly as fast as it should be, I kept telling him, “If only I could gain the weight healthily!!! I just want to have muscle and stop eating junk, and have nice arms, and look nice in clothing, and not have these rolls on my stomach, and….”

The list went on and he tried and tried to reframe but my mind was made up; I was a fat load and all I would ever want to eat was cookies.

Looking back I can be a little more rational and say I do like cookies, and I do have a cookie, or another sweet item (at least) once a day.

I like to end my meal with something delicious and dessert-y, probably because in 20 years of my life, I never did so.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, and this does not mean my diet is only junk food.  In fact I made a pretty healthy, balanced and delicious Chicken Tortilla Soup last night for dinner, inspired by my favorite celebrity chef, Rocco Dispirito, but at the time I was having my little temper tantrum, cookies were all I could remember, and fat was all I could feel.

On a happier note these moments of irrationality are getting less and less frequent, but I still have way more pounds than I would like to admit to go and that means there are going to be some rough days.

Can I do it?


Will I do it?

Yes, but kicking and screaming because my brain is still pretty warped by the ED mind-set.

I don’t really have an answer to the question of how to effectively deal with the weight-gain because I still struggle with that problem myself.  Talking to someone about it helps; someone you trust who will help remind you of all you are working for, but I can’t guarantee you will see the light at that very moment, just pray it will pass and keep doing the RIGHT, HEALTHY things, you know in your heart YOU NEED to get back on track.

I know it will be worth it, because the best things in life don’t come for free, but that does not make this process any easier and I totally get that, but for those of you out there in the same boat as me, or who are dealing with something else that is equally as challenging, remember you are not alone and support is literally, your best friend.

Happy Monday, loves.


18 thoughts on “The Truth

  1. Thanks so much for your honesty. Really this is what I needed to hear and is exactly the answer I was looking for when I sent the e-mail. That it does suck, it ain’t pretty, but you just got to keep making the right steps….I guess in reality that’s the only way the thoughts will go away and we will find freedom. I figure we have the thoughts of being fat and lazy even when we are acting in our behaviors but at least when we are in the recovery mode of things these feelings are mixed in with (sometimes brief) moments of joy.

  2. Thanks for your honesty. It’s actually the exact answer I was looking for. That it does suck, the feelings come up, but you have to push through. I figure I had the feelings of being fat and lazy when I was in my disorder, at least now when I have them in recovery they are mixed in with (sometimes brief) moments of joy. Thanks for being awesome as always 🙂

    • you are welcome!!! I am glad it helped and I hope you dont mind I used your email as inspiration! You are beautiful hunni! and always remember you are not alone!

  3. I think your honesty is really good not only for all your readers but for yourself. Weight gain was the hardest, no doubt about it. i would be sugar coating it to say in treatment the weight gain was easy. HOWEVER something I am sure about is once your body hits where it should be, it is easier. No idea why but once I got past the actual having to gain thing, it was a lot easier to see my body for what it does rather than just what it looks like. I know that is hard to hear because you are still in the process but hang in there.Please email me if you ever need to vent or talk. Treatment is tough, really tough and I give you so much credit for what you are doing for yourself. Ps. I know you say junk food and all but I think we all get a skewed picture of the average american, bloggers tend to not eat like a normal person. hate to say it but it is true, I bet you are quite normal – something I have had to keep reminding myself when I read blogs.

    • Thats what I am trying to remember, that my body is much more than a shape that i see in the mirror! it helps me move, dance, etc. thank you for everything alex. you have been a great bl-iend to me! and your point about other bloggers is spot on!!! i hope you have a wonderful holiday!! xoxoxo

  4. It is hard, and it’s already a huge step that you even acknowledge that it is and is going to continue to be difficult. Working through even knowing that it is hard is what will give you the strength you need to recover fully. And AMEN to Alex@ therunwithin, even I have to remind myself not to compare what I eat with other bloggers because views of junk food in the “healthy-living” blog world are so skewed. And even as a nutrition professional, I totally condone cookies and ice cream 🙂

    • Any tips on different kinds of cookies and ice cream to buy would be greatly appreciated 😉 I am still discovering my likes and dislikes haha. thank you for the kind words, as always. your support is priceless 🙂

  5. You are heading in the right direction hun and I know how difficult it is. I went through it years ago and am still going through it now even though I’ve been through the recovery process. But the ability to realize how wrong your ED mind is compared to what is rational is such a strong ability to have; you will use it every time you feel weak or feel like you’re falling into bad moods. I promise it will become easier. I promise. Everyday will not feel like this. Hugs and love.

    • Melissa! It is so good to hear from you!!!! Thanks so much for the encouragement! I hope all is well with you my dear. You have always been an inspiration to me and I a absolutely appreciate your words of encouragement 🙂

  6. I just recently got out of treatment and I can tell you that the feelings that you are feeling about your body right now, will go away. You will learn to appreciate being healthy. I just had a good cry with my mom this morning because we are going through some family issues. In the past I wouldnt have been able to cry because I was numb to the world. I couldnt feel anything all I knew was that I couldnt eat. I wish you the best and I hope that you keep progressing and get to your healthy weight.

    • Thank you so much Lindsay!! That is absolutely correct that the feelings, even though those are sometimes hard to deal with as well, as a beautiful part of recovery. I thought I loved my husband before, but I never truly knew what that meant until I opened my heart to him. Congratulations on being home 🙂

  7. Keep fighting! I think it helps to know two things: 1) the weight WILL redistribute to be more proportional once your body gets used to it, and 2) you mind will get used to the change too. It’s the change that’s so hard (at least for me) and I know from experience these things are true. 🙂 Hang in there! It will be worth it.

  8. Can I do it?


    Will I do it?

    Yes, but kicking and screaming because my brain is still pretty warped by the ED mind-set.

    this is exactly what I tell myself, I really could relate to this post!

  9. I completely and totally know what you mean. Just remember that as your body gets better, so does your mind, and it’s easier to accept yourself as you are, knowing and believing that it’s the healthiest place for you to be. You’re doing great!

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