I got an e-mail the other night with a question that made me think I am not necessarily giving the WHOLE picture of what my process is like at this current moment.
She asked how I am dealing with the weight gain because that is an aspect of her recovery that is proving to be a major challenge.
Honestly, the increased body size SUCKS.
Like it, f*cking sucks.
I use the F-word here because I don’t know if I can accurately convey to you how much I HATE the FEELINGS I have about my tummy pooch and an increased number on the scale.
And if I am going to completely confess where I am today, in this moment, I am not handling the poundage well.
My two past posts have been pretty positive, and that is because I was feeling great when I wrote them.
I am not feeling completely horrible or hopeless today, but last night I would be omitting a major truth if I did not tell you I actually pounded my fist on the floor in frustration because I felt like a lazy-ass for sitting around watching Christmas movies all day, and basically sleeping most of Saturday.
As Ryan looked at me with annoyance, because my progress is not nearly as fast as it should be, I kept telling him, “If only I could gain the weight healthily!!! I just want to have muscle and stop eating junk, and have nice arms, and look nice in clothing, and not have these rolls on my stomach, and….”
The list went on and he tried and tried to reframe but my mind was made up; I was a fat load and all I would ever want to eat was cookies.
Looking back I can be a little more rational and say I do like cookies, and I do have a cookie, or another sweet item (at least) once a day.
I like to end my meal with something delicious and dessert-y, probably because in 20 years of my life, I never did so.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, and this does not mean my diet is only junk food. In fact I made a pretty healthy, balanced and delicious Chicken Tortilla Soup last night for dinner, inspired by my favorite celebrity chef, Rocco Dispirito, but at the time I was having my little temper tantrum, cookies were all I could remember, and fat was all I could feel.
On a happier note these moments of irrationality are getting less and less frequent, but I still have way more pounds than I would like to admit to go and that means there are going to be some rough days.
Can I do it?
Will I do it?
Yes, but kicking and screaming because my brain is still pretty warped by the ED mind-set.
I don’t really have an answer to the question of how to effectively deal with the weight-gain because I still struggle with that problem myself. Talking to someone about it helps; someone you trust who will help remind you of all you are working for, but I can’t guarantee you will see the light at that very moment, just pray it will pass and keep doing the RIGHT, HEALTHY things, you know in your heart YOU NEED to get back on track.
I know it will be worth it, because the best things in life don’t come for free, but that does not make this process any easier and I totally get that, but for those of you out there in the same boat as me, or who are dealing with something else that is equally as challenging, remember you are not alone and support is literally, your best friend.
Happy Monday, loves.