Nothing Like In School

Were you like me?  One of those weird people who loved taking tests in school because you got a thrill from studying and then immense satisfaction if all the hard work paid off?

I loved tests like that.  I hate tests in life.

What do I mean?

Well, the past few days have thrown me some curve balls.

On Monday I had my weekly medical appointment, where I did not do as well numerically as I needed to.

I was pretty shocked considering I followed my meal plan well and challenged myself A LOT over the weekend, but apparently my efforts were not as lucrative as I hoped.

Monday was also the end of my two-week contract at Hershey, which stated that if I did not meet the terms I was supposed to go to an inpatient unit to gain the weight needed to be admitted to a PHP program (technically I should have gone to inpatient a few weeks ago since I meet the criteria specified by charts and books and all those fun things.)

My family and I decided inpatient is not where I need to be, since I am doing very well mentally, working super hard at challenging myself in my diet, gave up my treadmill key and have become very much more assertive and aware of what makes me happy outside of my eating disorder.

(Just to clarify, the eating disorder is not one of the things that provides joy!)

Instead, we opted for a more strict “hospital-at-home” approach…speciffying that despite these fabulous mental strides, we still cannot deny or avoid the obvious.  Pounds still need to be gained in order for my body to perform optimally and function normally again, meaning there is a new contract in the Weaber household and a larger outpatient team has been put in place to facilitate it.

***********************************************************

Anyway, let’s go back to Monday and the fact that my PHP counselor told Ryan we all needed to discuss the new “Weaber Contract” Tuesday when I got to program.

On my drive I popped a tire and was late, which I HATE HATE HATE more than anything in the world.

And then I get there halfway into lunch so I am rushing, then forced to finish in my *old* therapist’s office as I am told about the contract breach and our new plan. (Old news, I know you read that a few paragraphs ago…)

I get to my residence and a few hours later a family crisis occurs that, since it did not happen to me directly, I will not really go into detail on here, but I will say it affects me and Ryan VERY VERY much, and will bring more changes that I don’t know if I am ready for.

Then, the following day, my mom, sister and I decided to have lunch at a local eatery before she was to head back to New Jersey.  My biological father (who I only met for the first time 2 years ago and have had about zero contact since) my brother, and my uncle, were all sitting at a table by the door.

My brother, who I love so much and think he is totally fabulous (just met him 2 years ago, as well) waved sheepishly as I am sure he felt super awkward too, but my dad just looked the other way and did not acknowledge my presence at all.

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t slightly hurt by the snub, but you know what, I am very blessed to have wonderful men in my life, and a Poppy, that take care of me just fine.

Anyway, these few little blips would have EASILY sent me in a downward spiral before, but with the help of my friends and support team I am trying to look at them differently.

Similar to having a test in school, life’s snaffus are an opportunity to learn.

I may not always see it that way initially; for example I was pretty angry with the lack of love from my gene pool, but it is absolutely a perfect opportunity to use my re-framing skills.

So were the few other things that happened on Monday and Tuesday…

My tire popped…

This was the first time this ever happened to me, so it forced me to call On-Star, problem solve on the spot and encouraged me to take a lesson in putting on a spare.

It also reminded me that perhaps a tool kit in my trunk is not the worst idea ever.

Having to be more responsible for my meal plan and minimizing activity at home is going to present a challenge, but it gives me a chance to practice the skills I have at coping with stress sans treadmill, explore hobbies outside physical endurance, and in my opinion, could be a sign from God that I just need to DO IT.

Easier said than done, but with a lot of accountability measures put into place, I am confident that I can accomplish my goals.

Seeing John was difficult, as well, but it made me do some soul-searching yesterday that I wasn’t necessarily prepared to do before.

I used to think I didn’t care at all about him; that I was blessed enough to have the wonderful family and friends that ARE present in my life.

And I do still feel incredibly lucky and appreciate every single one of those amazing people, but it doesn’t change the fact that my heart hurts and I feel abandoned by the man who provided me with half my genetics.

I used to think that was weak to admit, and stupid or ungrateful, but now I realize the sad reaction is pretty natural considering we have lived in the same town for 25 years, stood right next to each other on many occasions, look i-freaking-dentical, and he still denied the fact that I was his, or paid no attention, like I was invisible.

These actions, or lack of actions, on his part made me feel like I had some sort of defect; that I was not good enough for his affection, and although I cannot change the past or how I felt, I can absolutely learn to ACCEPT that this was my familial situation and tell myself more positive things like, “perhaps he has issues to deal with that have nothing to do with me and that caused him to be such a jerk…”

Instead of ruminating on the negative things that go on sometimes; a popped tire, not meeting a goal even though I put forth a ton of effort and followed directions, not having someone want to be with me even though there isn’t anything inherently wrong with my character…

I am going to take these things and use them as practice to continue loving and caring for myself, just as I would want for my best friend, husband, or random stranger on the street.

I deserve the same treatment as others and that is a pretty new concept to me, but the second I restrict my food intake, abuse my aching body by excessive exercise; that is when I let the people who hurt my feelings win, or when I let the hardships that everyone in the world experiences at some point or another, move me down to a lower place.

I was always a really good student in school, so why can’t that translate into adult life?

Answer: It can, and it will!

Happy Thursday, friends!  One more day until the weekend 🙂

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10 thoughts on “Nothing Like In School

  1. CJ I have been reading your blog for a while, as I am in treatment right now too and I just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you, especially after reading this entry. I know how hard treatment is and I was only outpatient. I can’t imagine how challenging what you are doing is. Stay strong and keep kicking butt.

    • thank you so much erin!!! i wish you well in your treatment! i know its so so so hard but i am here if u need anything!!! you rock, lady! keep on truckin’

  2. This is a really wonderful realization! Learning how to actually feel your feelings, understand where they come from, and dealing with them … instead of focusing on food or exercise … is such a healthy reaction. Huge congratulations on getting here. Hope you’re doing well, girl!!!

  3. You are very brave for handling the situation with your biological dad like that. You are right. His issues have nothing to do with you. Sometimes it just helps to say that person is a jerk and that’s that. So do you get to stay in the PHP program?

  4. This post shows nothing but pure strength. You are amazing and handled the situations presented to you in a more confident manner than most people could. I love that you’re seeing everything as an opportunity!

  5. Have you thought about trying crochet or knitting as stress relief? It may seem a bit ‘grannyish’ but it’s on of those activities that is soothing, and plus, you get something at the end of it!
    I truly admire the courage you are showing when faced with these problems (: x

  6. I totally agree! I love tests that I have control over, but real life things stress me out! I love the fact that you are reflecting upon the experiences and using them to help you move forward! You are so strong for that 🙂

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