Last night I sat on my floor, eating my snack, next to my heater (I cannot wait until this thing doesn’t have to be attached to my hip as I enjoy my smoothies!!!) and was having a minor breakdown because it was earlier than usual.
What I mean is, instead of me only being hungry for snack around 8:45, I was ready for it at 8.
Who cares, right?! 45 minutes, what is the big deal?
The truth of the matter is, I am hungry pretty much all the time right now and it is freaking me out.
Sleep, eat, sleep, eat…it seems that those are the two biggest time segments in my daily schedule and both of those things are uncomfortable for me because they invoke feelings of being fat and lazy.
So because I was struggling with the “too early” snack-attack, my mind automatically started to tabulate my caloric intake for the day.
*How nutrient calculation was a comforting coping skill, I really don’t understand!
Since I am not eating many products with labels or preparing much of my own food (more on those things later) my ED brain had to rely on estimations for easy addition.
Typically I tend to overestimate so as the mental number climbed higher and higher, my stress level went through the roof!
Then, on Parenthood, the show I was watching on my DVR at that moment, Christina hugged her husband as she told him some pretty terrible medical news.
He held her in his arms as she sobbed and I could not help but think of Ryan, who was at that moment working in the Medical Intensive Care Unit, trying to help others LIVE.
A wave of guilt flooded my mind and I scolded myself for the internal “myfitnesspal” that needed to turn off.
From a fictional TV show I was reminded that getting healthy is extremely important not just for my life, but for my family.
I love Ryan with all I have and I am sick of us not being able to participate in the world because I am so rigid and un-well.
A good friend helped me realize that although I used to make lists of what the eating disorder has taken from me, and use that as motivation to get through difficult times, perhaps I should change the focus of my inspiration…
Maybe instead, I should recollect the things recovery is GIVING me back.
For me getting well means traveling, ENJOYING the culture in which I am visiting.
It means more time with friends, and not having a break down if they want to go for a spontaneous trip for frozen yogurt, which happens to be off my time schedule for eating (the horror!!)
It means doing physical activity for fun, taking hikes as the leaves change and cross-country skiing on the first good snow.
It means dancing whenever the heck I like and going to Tomorrowland, which I currently happen to have as a goal of mine for next year 😉
(I am still obsessed with the after-movie, obviously!)
It means I will be alive past the age of thirty and get to enjoy days with my family and friends because I am no longer damaging my organs and disrespecting the body God gave me.
It means endless opportunities and I personally think this list sounds much more exciting than one containing the downers of a life with ED.
Yay for motivation on a Monday 🙂
Bring on week two!
What do you use as inspiration to accomplish your goals??