Counting Blessings Not Calories

Last night I sat on my floor, eating my snack, next to my heater (I cannot wait until this thing doesn’t have to be attached to my hip as I enjoy my smoothies!!!) and was having a minor breakdown because it was earlier than usual.

What I mean is, instead of me only being hungry for snack around 8:45, I was ready for it at 8.

Who cares, right?! 45 minutes, what is the big deal?

The truth of the matter is, I am hungry pretty much all the time right now and it is freaking me out.

Sleep, eat, sleep, eat…it seems that those are the two biggest time segments in my daily schedule and both of those things are uncomfortable for me because they invoke feelings of being fat and lazy.

So because I was struggling with the “too early” snack-attack, my mind automatically started to tabulate my caloric intake for the day.

*How nutrient calculation was a comforting coping skill, I really don’t understand!

Since I am not eating many products with labels or preparing much of my own food (more on those things later) my ED brain had to rely on estimations for easy addition.

Typically I tend to overestimate so as the mental number climbed higher and higher, my stress level went through the roof!

Then, on Parenthood, the show I was watching on my DVR at that moment, Christina hugged her husband as she told him some pretty terrible medical news.

He held her in his arms as she sobbed and I could not help but think of Ryan, who was at that moment working in the Medical Intensive Care Unit, trying to help others LIVE.

A wave of guilt flooded my mind and I scolded myself for the internal “myfitnesspal” that needed to turn off.

From a fictional TV show I was reminded that getting healthy is extremely important not just for my life, but for my family.

I love Ryan with all I have and I am sick of us not being able to participate in the world because I am so rigid and un-well.

A good friend helped me realize that although I used to make lists of what the eating disorder has taken from me, and use that as motivation to get through difficult times, perhaps I should change the focus of my inspiration…

Maybe instead, I should recollect the things recovery is GIVING me back.

For me getting well means traveling, ENJOYING the culture in which I am visiting.

It means more time with friends, and not having a break down if they want to go for a spontaneous trip for frozen yogurt, which happens to be off my time schedule for eating (the horror!!)

It means doing physical activity for fun, taking hikes as the leaves change and cross-country skiing on the first good snow.

It means dancing whenever the heck I like and going to Tomorrowland, which I currently happen to have as a goal of mine for next year  😉

(I am still obsessed with the after-movie, obviously!)

It means I will be alive past the age of thirty and get to enjoy days with my family and friends because I am no longer damaging my organs and disrespecting the body God gave me.

It means endless opportunities and I personally think this list sounds much more exciting than one containing the downers of a life with ED.

Yay for motivation on a Monday 🙂

Bring on week two!

What do you use as inspiration to accomplish your goals??


5 thoughts on “Counting Blessings Not Calories

  1. I struggle with the eating schedule rigidity all the time. I don’t have much of an appetite anymore (side effect of ED, I assume) but on the few occasions that I do, if the clock doesn’t say it’s time for me to eat, I don’t. I just find other things to do to distract myself (and my noisy belly) until it is ‘time’ for my next meal. It’s just ass backwards, because clearly my body knows better than that friggin clock, but all too often I’m just caught up in the rules- and ED is chock full of them.

    What do I use for inspiration to accomplish my goals? For this goal I have of beating ED, I’ve been trying to look to the future. Not the near future, but the distant future. Once I do that I start asking myself some hard questions: do I see myself doing this one year from now? Five years? Ten? Do I REALLY want ton be 30 years old and still obsessing about these same things? What about children? Do I want them? Do I want to make my husband suffer later on because of fertility issues that I am causing with my body now? And even if I can have children, is this the example I want to set for them, especially if I have little girls? Would I want my daughter to think of herself the way that I think of myself?

    Then I just ask more superficial questions like : am I really prepared to go without foods like pizza, ice cream, pancakes, cookies, pie hamburgers, or even something as simple as a big bowl of Kashi cereal for the rest of my life? FOR THE.REST.OF.MY.LIFE???? Those are the moment that I’m tempted to give myself a good shake and just say “Wait a minute there Sunshine, You’re 23. 23. Let that sink in for a while. You’re too young, and life is too short to live like this.” This doesn’t happen all the time, but when it does, it does help a lot.

    Counting blessings is also a GREAT way to fight ED, as it helps me to keep things into perspective in my life and not magnify my insecurities larger than what they need to be. When I look at what I do have in my life (family, love, my faith) and the fact that I could be without them, my dissatisfaction and my weight obsession seems insignificant and petty.

    Keep going in your recovery All the best ❤


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