I truly apologize that I have not responded to the kindness of each of your comments and/or e-mails. I always try to reply to those personal sentiments, since I really do appreciate you all taking the time to send me the much-needed encouragement and positivity. I am hoping to catch up on all my blog downfalls this week, but in the mean time thank you so so so so much for being patient, being supportive and just overall being wonderful bl-iends!! I have said this many times before but my favorite aspect of having an online journal is easily the community and network it allows me to be a part of 🙂
Moving on, are you all having a super Sunday, Funday?
Overall, despite my fears of the first weekend where I had some limitations as far as what I could do (they like to call it “hospital at home” since I was pretty adamant about not wanting to go to inpatient) I am proud of my accomplishments.
I challenged some fears, sat through some tough feelings, SLEPT and LISTENED to my body when it said EAT and REST. <— (which FYI, is ALL the time.)
But as monday approaches, which is normally the beginning of my work week, something is really bothering me and I feel I need to address it for my own personal growth, sooner, rather than later…
A lot of my self-worth comes from existential things…
…particularly a job.
This translates to me feeling major guilt because I am taking time off for myself to get healthy.
I view this as the ultimate act of selfishness because Ryan is now financially responsible for everything, including my hospital bills AND trying to save for school.
Fortunately, we have GREAT insurance that covers a lot of the major costs, but with his anesthesia application looming, my heart sinks knowing that I am putting another burden on him.
Time for a little rewind and reframe.
The above mentality has got to go.
YES I feel extremely guilty because I LIKE working.
YES I find it very fulfilling to wake up, go to work and feel like a contributing member of society.
YES I enjoy progress and seeing concrete evidence of my accomplishments.
BUT I don’t want a career to define me.
What if, heaven forbid, someday I lost my job?! This is a very real possibility considering the volatile economy we live in and happens frequently to even the most qualified people.
I need to start placing value on things WITHIN me; like the fact that I am a good friend and an intelligent woman.
It is a great quality to have a strong work ethic, but a paycheck and an occupation can no longer be my only sources of validation.
Also, I need to give myself some credit for taking the initiative to get my life back; i.e. going to treatment.
This is the first time I have truly committed to my recovery plan and am accepting that things in my world are going to change; my body, my rules, my schedule. And I want to focus on that as a positive thing rather than the worst tragedy in the world.
I need to think of getting healthy as TEMPORARY “time-off” and that because I am taking a break for ME now, I can eventually be a better ME for my employer, but more importantly for my husband, family and friends.
I am not being selfish. I am being responsible. And I want to continue that attitude into week two…meaning I am going to acknowledge that I have trouble feeling good about myself without working, financially helping my husband, and feel lazy for the extra sleep and rest that is a pretty new thing to my daily repertoire, but that I can work on all these things with my treatment team and I don’t always have to think this way.
One day at a time, my friends.
I hope you all had a wonderful weekend 🙂