Blog Balance

My brain has been spinning lately, about a decision that is really difficult for me to make.

I think Healthy, Happy, Whole is all wrong.

Although I AM on the journey to find balance, I am not anywhere living up to the title (um, obviously), AND I don’t really think predominately writing about food, exercise, and the mental turmoil of ED is helping my recovery.

You see, I started my blog to assist in this process; perhaps as a source of accountability, and as a means to seek out support, but it has not served either of those purposes.

Instead it has been a great additional mask for my friends and family to read and think I was doing much better than the reality, and added to the shame I have because I don’t fit the “perfect” blogger mold.

There is a ton more swirling around my head, but the thoughts are still not anywhere near organized and I will spare you the ridiculous details.

In attempt for me to personally sort through them, I took advantage of the hour long car ride Ryan and I shared on Thursday and sought out some advice.

I explained that I really do LOVE the writing component of my hobby, but I feel like the avenue I am heading down is flawed.

Even though I KNOW I was much more articulate when my brain was well-nourished, writing has always been an interest of mine and it makes me sad that I don’t really get to do it anywhere but on here, so that truly isn’t the issue…it is the content that is no longer fulfilling.

It is boring, tired, and repetitive, and I can imagine getting old for you all to read, as well, because seriously how many times can a person state they are terrified of a sandwich?

(Answer: read my old entries and you will find out.)

All that being said, I think it is time for a new direction.

For the first time in my recovery Ryan and I both agree that my heart is dead-set on establishing a NEW, IMPROVED, life sans eating disorder, and for me that means I will talk about it to my therapist and support team at home, but I don’t really want it to be the central focus of my writing.

This should be an outlet, a medium of expression and development for me…without a nagging a$$hole attached to my hip.

  • And that me loves music, dance, my family, cooking, horrifically trashy television, old movies like Pretty In Pink and Grease, while also being kind of obsessed with animated Disney Films and musicals like HSM (don’t hate).
  • A more healthy me likes peanuts on her frozen yogurt because the added salt is freakin’ fantastic.
  • Reads books and actually cares/comprehends and cares what they say.
  • I will also don’t particularly like the treadmill, and would prefer the park or taking a fitness class.
  • I make up songs about Ryan that I like to sing when he is being too quiet.
  • I plan lavish vacations that we cannot afford at this current moment but trust me, we will take them later.
  • I think Target is the best store ever put on this planet because they have pretty much everything your heart could desire and the Red Card is like a license to shop! (hello, 5% off all purchases?!)
  • I love my Lulu Lemon Yoga pants but sometimes I just want to put on my favorite, huge UVA Sweats I got for 7 dollars at the college book store because there was a hole in the crotch. (Woops, still haven’t sewn that!)
  • And I really don’t care if I ever run a marathon because the entry fees are ridiculous and I don’t think anyone at my funeral is going to give a dissertation on my running capabilities. (I really never thought I would say that, by the way!…AND I absolutely respect all my favorite runners out there…I just would rather dance πŸ™‚ )

I realize that was a completely random list of stuff, but the point is I am working on re-establishing ME, and that’s what I want this blog to portray. If that means I post a recipe one day and random ramblings about school chaos the next, so be it. It doesn’t mean I am going to completely STOP writing about my struggles, because they are definitely a major part of my life, but I have personally pigeon-holed myself into a category I would like to relinquish.

I am more than just a girl with an eating disorder.

P.S. If you are in need of support, I am still here and totally understand. I just needed to get off my chest that changes HAVE to be made in ALL areas of my life in order for me to truly GET BETTER. Since this blog is very important to me, being more flexible in this forum seemed like it might be constructive πŸ™‚

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12 thoughts on “Blog Balance

  1. Hi,

    I hardly ever comment; but what an inspirational and true post. I am proud of you; I really feel that you truly truly want and are changing!

  2. I went through this same process not too long ago and have sense changed my blog a bit. I felt like I was just writing because people expected me to write about eating disorders and food but it wasn’t interesting to me and I was comparing myself left and right to other bloggers so I decided to create another blog just for me and my thoughts, whereas my regular blog is just for other things related to food whenever I feel like posting. I think the biggest thing for me was the need to be perfect in my posts and have a posting schedule but in reality I just couldn’t pull it off and I am okay with that now! Good luck girl ❀

    • I am with you…I felt like my posts were sometimes forced because it would be in response to things people had written to me about or questions I got, and really it wasn’t helping me anymore.

      I am glad your new blog style is working for you because ultimately that is what is most important!!!

      Keep up the good work love!

  3. Obviously, we want you to be as well as you can be and if this is the direction you feel is necessary for your recovery, go for it!

    For myself, I value each and every one of your posts, they help me with my own pesky ED fears and recovery that is still very much a work in progress. So regardless of what you post, I’ll be around. It’s great that you’re sculpting a life out for yourself that is about more than living with ED. It’s surprising to me how much I’ve allowed it to define me in my own life when I really stop and think about it. And although I love healthy living/eating blogs, it can be easy to use them to construct a life around the balance between exercise and food…and for me, it can lead to obsessive/destructive thoughts. Life should just be about ‘living’ (if that makes any sense). Food can and should be a part of that, but it shouldn’t be a point of obsession. Hungry? Eat. Craving something sweet? Have it. Don’t feel like working out today? Then don’t. And hey btw, how about them Spartans? (My alma mater football team lol) My point is, this is where we should be able to be on a DAILY basis. I won’t lie. I’m not there… yet. But I will be. Because I deserve it. I deserve that kind of happiness and peace of mind EVERY DAY…and so do you.

    I agree with the poster above, this is amazingly inspirational. So, you go ahead girl, you’ve got a cheerleader on the sidelines ❀

    Jess(ica)

    • Thank you Jess! I really do appreciate your readership and such supportive comments!! I am not going anywhere either, just want to feel like I can change it up now and then and express things outside the ED realm.

      I hope you are doing well and challenging yourself…ANY challenges we can try together?!

      • I’m most definitely trying to challenge myself, and YES! Let’s DEFINITELY do one together. I got out our panini press out from the pantry this past weekend, bought the ingredients for the Curry Greek yogurt chicken salad I told you about…I’ve got everything I need to have my gourmet sandwich. Whenever you’re ready we can have them together πŸ˜‰

  4. So proud of you CJ for coming to this realization!
    And for saying all the stuff you truly do like and aspire to be.
    So what if your not like every other person out there? That is SO boring anyways!
    I think as I get better, I hope I will no longer have to focus my topics on ED issues and I can move to a different area, as I love writing and blogging is cathartic for me.
    Good luck my beautiful friend!xo

    • Thanks Lisa!!! I really appreciate it and I KNOW you have so many interests outside of the ED world that are just waiting to come out! I cant wait to read all about them πŸ™‚

      PS Fashion and your wonderful sense of style happens to be one of my favorite aspects of your writing!!!

  5. SO proud of you, and so excited for your new endeavors online and in real life! I know you can do it, and while it may be a bumpy road always remember you have love and acceptance waiting from me and all of your friends. πŸ™‚

  6. This was a great post CJ, somehow I missed it on Monday though and am just reading it now! This actually really got me thinking because I ALWAYS talk about the eating disorder to one extent or another in my posts and I wonder if it makes me focus on it even more (if that is even possible heh). I have a feeling my blog is going to change as I get more busy with nursing school..
    I simply won’t have time for the very in depth posts I am used to writing and honestly, maybe that will benefit me in the end. Take the focus off it for once for goodness sake. I love your posts because I can of course always relate to them, but I am also understanding why are you changing things up a bit. I look forward to the changes ahead πŸ™‚ All positive ones eh?!

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