My brain has been spinning lately, about a decision that is really difficult for me to make.
I think Healthy, Happy, Whole is all wrong.
Although I AM on the journey to find balance, I am not anywhere living up to the title (um, obviously), AND I don’t really think predominately writing about food, exercise, and the mental turmoil of ED is helping my recovery.
You see, I started my blog to assist in this process; perhaps as a source of accountability, and as a means to seek out support, but it has not served either of those purposes.
Instead it has been a great additional mask for my friends and family to read and think I was doing much better than the reality, and added to the shame I have because I don’t fit the “perfect” blogger mold.
There is a ton more swirling around my head, but the thoughts are still not anywhere near organized and I will spare you the ridiculous details.
In attempt for me to personally sort through them, I took advantage of the hour long car ride Ryan and I shared on Thursday and sought out some advice.
I explained that I really do LOVE the writing component of my hobby, but I feel like the avenue I am heading down is flawed.
Even though I KNOW I was much more articulate when my brain was well-nourished, writing has always been an interest of mine and it makes me sad that I don’t really get to do it anywhere but on here, so that truly isn’t the issue…it is the content that is no longer fulfilling.
It is boring, tired, and repetitive, and I can imagine getting old for you all to read, as well, because seriously how many times can a person state they are terrified of a sandwich?
(Answer: read my old entries and you will find out.)
All that being said, I think it is time for a new direction.
For the first time in my recovery Ryan and I both agree that my heart is dead-set on establishing a NEW, IMPROVED, life sans eating disorder, and for me that means I will talk about it to my therapist and support team at home, but I don’t really want it to be the central focus of my writing.
This should be an outlet, a medium of expression and development for me…without a nagging a$$hole attached to my hip.
- And that me loves music, dance, my family, cooking, horrifically trashy television, old movies like Pretty In Pink and Grease, while also being kind of obsessed with animated Disney Films and musicals like HSM (don’t hate).
- A more healthy me likes peanuts on her frozen yogurt because the added salt is freakin’ fantastic.
- Reads books and actually cares/comprehends and cares what they say.
- I will also don’t particularly like the treadmill, and would prefer the park or taking a fitness class.
- I make up songs about Ryan that I like to sing when he is being too quiet.
- I plan lavish vacations that we cannot afford at this current moment but trust me, we will take them later.
- I think Target is the best store ever put on this planet because they have pretty much everything your heart could desire and the Red Card is like a license to shop! (hello, 5% off all purchases?!)
- I love my Lulu Lemon Yoga pants but sometimes I just want to put on my favorite, huge UVA Sweats I got for 7 dollars at the college book store because there was a hole in the crotch. (Woops, still haven’t sewn that!)
- And I really don’t care if I ever run a marathon because the entry fees are ridiculous and I don’t think anyone at my funeral is going to give a dissertation on my running capabilities. (I really never thought I would say that, by the way!…AND I absolutely respect all my favorite runners out there…I just would rather dance 🙂 )
I realize that was a completely random list of stuff, but the point is I am working on re-establishing ME, and that’s what I want this blog to portray. If that means I post a recipe one day and random ramblings about school chaos the next, so be it. It doesn’t mean I am going to completely STOP writing about my struggles, because they are definitely a major part of my life, but I have personally pigeon-holed myself into a category I would like to relinquish.
I am more than just a girl with an eating disorder.
P.S. If you are in need of support, I am still here and totally understand. I just needed to get off my chest that changes HAVE to be made in ALL areas of my life in order for me to truly GET BETTER. Since this blog is very important to me, being more flexible in this forum seemed like it might be constructive 🙂