The Proof Is In The Truth

I am a good person.

I have a lot of talents and fabulous qualities that would make me an asset to many teams out there…

No, I am not talking sports teams but more organizations, businesses, places of employment, even groups of friends.

The point is, I am starting to believe in myself and gain back the confidence I once had.

I am super happy about this but have been turned down on several occasions recently, for opportunities that I thought would be a great fit.

Obviously people who have more influence than me felt otherwise but then the cold hard truth hit…

I ran into a very good friend, who has been a fabulous reference for me before, and he inquired about an aspiration I have had for a while.

When I told him it didn’t work out, he was not really surprised.

I asked why…

“It was very concerning how thin you are.”

Now I will say he did not tell me that I did not get selected for this opportunity because I am ill or look disgusting, so I am not faulting the place that felt there were others better suited for their needs, but it got me to thinking.

Last week at lunch with my dad, and pretty much every day from my mom, I am told that because of my appearance, it is hard for people to consider me as a serious adult or option.

In the occupational world I am a liability. Medical bills are expensive…treatment is expensive…and goodness knows why my “history” how long I would actually be in any one particular place.

Like I said, I believe I am on the path to getting healthy, and KNOW I could be a great addition for any environment, but some have expressed to me that I am not the best representation of myself at this current time.

That really sucks because although I know my behaviors and exterior have held me back from things like running, racing, and other forms of physical activity, I really didn’t think it would prevent me from advancing in certain life goals outside of that realm.

With every no I receive (and I will say there have been a lot of them lately) I should say “f*ck” it and eat another bag of Popchips, because as Ryan and I have discussed, mentally I am doing a million times better.

Internally I am starting to feel so much better, and now my body needs to play catch up.

Of course the negative thoughts still swirl in my head…especially when ED likes to use the continuous rejection as fuel to tell me I am not good enough, but I am seriously sick of being left in the dust and losing out because I am too scared to put on the extra pounds; especially since I don’t actually LIKE the way I look right now.

I guess that just goes to show that an eating disorder is about way way way way way more than being skinny.

It is the feelings that emerge from “losing control” and ridding yourself of unhealthy coping mechanisms, that is absolutely behind the facade.

Wish me luck, because as annoyed as I am with myself for being stuck, I obviously have issues with taking the plunge needed to propel forward.

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4 thoughts on “The Proof Is In The Truth

  1. I KNOW my eating disorder has held me back from my career aspirations. When I think about it as if I was an employer, I would want someone that was mentally and physically able to handle the job. However, I have been feeling this new-found confidence that I can do things lately too. Consider yourself blessed that you at least already have a job (I don’t šŸ˜¦ – it is so hard to recover sitting at home alone all day), and know that as you continue to get better you will be able to slowly shift into these things that you want to do! Good luck šŸ™‚

    • Awe and I think it is hard to recover at work becuase people make stupid comments, it is hard to eat high quanities of food, etc. The grass is always greener I suppose!

      I wish you well my darling! I am glad you are starting to get confidence…that is half the battle!! if you need any help let me know!

  2. I too can relate to having the ED and no job at present. It’s hard. You’re left alone with your thoughts and the thoughts can make you do and feel…bad things. But I’ve had a difficult time in the workplace as well. At my last job there was always, ALWAYS decadent, calorific foods laid out in the break room and by the end of my time there, everyone knew that Jessica would NEVER EVER eat any of it. And to be honest, it did start to get embarrassing. Being known as “that girl” isn’t always fun.

    I don’t think we stop and realize often enough how ED can literally affect our successfulness or failures in the “real” world, where other people just don’t share our insecurities and fears of food. For us, little things like an office party or outing to a restaurant can be “dangerous” as we obsess over what foods will be there that we have to avoid like the plague, or worry about how you’ll look to everyone when you don’t order a single thing on the menu (don’t ask me how I know about this). Not getting off work on time can send us into a tailspin because it throws us off our schedule of when we’re “supposed”: to work out, then eat dinner, all before a specific time in the evening that we’ve deemed too late to eat food after.

    But I’m really trying to get back to that simplified perspective where I’m not in that position anymore- where I can actually have that birthday cake at an outing, not freak out if I’m not home by 5:30 pm to workout but 6:00, and where I don’t care about eating dinner before 9. Guess why? Because that’s how real people in the real world live, and the more we restrict ourselves from this, the more we’re restricting our ability to live in it.

    That’s just my two cents on that. ā¤

    Jess(ica)

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