I am a good person.
I have a lot of talents and fabulous qualities that would make me an asset to many teams out there…
No, I am not talking sports teams but more organizations, businesses, places of employment, even groups of friends.
The point is, I am starting to believe in myself and gain back the confidence I once had.
I am super happy about this but have been turned down on several occasions recently, for opportunities that I thought would be a great fit.
Obviously people who have more influence than me felt otherwise but then the cold hard truth hit…
I ran into a very good friend, who has been a fabulous reference for me before, and he inquired about an aspiration I have had for a while.
When I told him it didn’t work out, he was not really surprised.
I asked why…
“It was very concerning how thin you are.”
Now I will say he did not tell me that I did not get selected for this opportunity because I am ill or look disgusting, so I am not faulting the place that felt there were others better suited for their needs, but it got me to thinking.
Last week at lunch with my dad, and pretty much every day from my mom, I am told that because of my appearance, it is hard for people to consider me as a serious adult or option.
In the occupational world I am a liability. Medical bills are expensive…treatment is expensive…and goodness knows why my “history” how long I would actually be in any one particular place.
Like I said, I believe I am on the path to getting healthy, and KNOW I could be a great addition for any environment, but some have expressed to me that I am not the best representation of myself at this current time.
That really sucks because although I know my behaviors and exterior have held me back from things like running, racing, and other forms of physical activity, I really didn’t think it would prevent me from advancing in certain life goals outside of that realm.
With every no I receive (and I will say there have been a lot of them lately) I should say “f*ck” it and eat another bag of Popchips, because as Ryan and I have discussed, mentally I am doing a million times better.
Internally I am starting to feel so much better, and now my body needs to play catch up.
Of course the negative thoughts still swirl in my head…especially when ED likes to use the continuous rejection as fuel to tell me I am not good enough, but I am seriously sick of being left in the dust and losing out because I am too scared to put on the extra pounds; especially since I don’t actually LIKE the way I look right now.
I guess that just goes to show that an eating disorder is about way way way way way more than being skinny.
It is the feelings that emerge from “losing control” and ridding yourself of unhealthy coping mechanisms, that is absolutely behind the facade.
Wish me luck, because as annoyed as I am with myself for being stuck, I obviously have issues with taking the plunge needed to propel forward.