Gaining Weight Means Gaining A Life

I had written a post earlier, but realized the content might be uncomfortable for the person I included to get my point across…

The below excerpt was extracted from that entry, so I apologize if it is a little more difficult to follow without the bigger picture, but I am hoping the message is helpful to others, because I had gotten several e-mails in the few hours it was online, expressing that the authors could also relate to my fears of abandonment.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

It is no secret that I have issues with self-esteem but believe it or not there was a time in my life when I was a super confident person, and that is one of the major things I cannot wait to come back, but regardless of actually liking myself, I have always had “daddy-issues.”

For those of you who are new, the person I am referring to in this post is not my biological father.

I have only met the man with my blood twice and both instances were epic failures.

I didn’t really think about it growing up because I have such a wonderful uncle who stepped in and took on the influential male role, so I felt pretty darn blessed when my mom got re-married and I then had TWO men that I adored.

But apparently the fact that my biological father did not want me was buried somewhere deep inside and now makes me very insecure that people will just walk out of my life with no warning; especially men.

I have discussed the constant testing of Ryan’s patience and his tolerance for my antics before, concluding that it is because it would be easier for me to handle if I pushed him away rather than him making that decision on his own, but with my dad, since he is very consumed with his work, I feel like I will do anything and everything I can to get his attention, even if it is for a millisecond.

I will completely ignore my personal needs, for the occasional hug, or serious talk, to appease his preference of discussing baseball and current events.

Some would even argue I might have gotten sick, hoping he would notice and realize I needed him to be there beyond our weekly half hour breakfasts.

Regardless, when he told me yesterday that I HAD to do anything and everything I could to get healthy, even providing suggestions and offering his assistance, I was blown away, and definitely more motivated to stay on the right path.

I think it is obvious how mentally beaten down I am and he explained he has never seen me so tired. He expressed his belief I could, in fact, do this, just like I have always proven in difficult situations before, and that my life goals can only be accomplished with weight restoration.

He basically stated my physical health prevents people from taking me as a serious adult and he is right.

The past two days as I have pushed beyond my comfort zone I have tried to remember his comments and the positivity I felt after our discussion.

I HATE HATE HATE the feelings that come from eating an entire canister of nuts in 4 days and the caloric number that is summed in my head before I fall asleep. But I also HATE a lot of things about my life right now and just want them to change.

Complete happiness is contingent upon acceptance and self-love, which can only be obtained by putting in some hard work right now.

It will be worth it.

Happy Thursday, Friends!  Only one more day until the long weekend 🙂

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “Gaining Weight Means Gaining A Life

  1. “the constant testing of Ryan’s patience and his tolerance for my antics, concluding that it is because it would be easier for me to handle if I pushed him away rather than him making that decision on his own”- I can really relate to this. Sometimes I am downright mean to my boyfriend, and think this is why. I’ve always thought that at least if he left then I would know why. I’m not sure what makes me act this way, my parents divorced when I was young, so this may be the cause. I just wanted to let you know that you’re not the only one who acts this way.

    Also, this: “I HATE HATE HATE the feelings that come from eating an entire canister of nuts in 4 days and the caloric number that is summed in my head before I fall asleep. But I also HATE a lot of things about my life right now and just want them to change.”- Again, I understand. The other day on our weekly Wegman’s trip we made a container of granola mix at their new create your own granola bar. It was for my boyfriend because I have a fear of granola mixes, nuts, and dried fruit due to their high caloric content. Well, I ended up eating a good half of that container and felt soooo guilty about it. But, you know what? I woke up the next morning and I hadn’t ballooned into a big whale and the world hadn’t ended. Sometimes we have to put ourselves in uncomfortable situations in order to reach our goals. This applies to anyone, not just those with an eating disorder. Keep on truckin’ CJ!

  2. Hey CJ,
    Its really interesting that your dad finally approached you and spoke about your current state, rather than the generic conversations your used to. It’s obviously taken him some courage to tell you his true feelings, which will hopefully be an incentive to really fight this disease.
    I was diagnosed with anorexia when I was 8, hospitalized at 14, and nearly again at 16. I am now nearly 18, and about to move from Australia to the UK by myself and live the life of my dreams. I know longer associate myself with my eating disorder, and if that little voice makes an appearance, I am strong enough to say no. When you begin to realize that you have the wonderful gift of being a human, and an eating disorder is just a thought that you can choose to listen to or ignore, you are set free. You have to learn to listen to your intuition.
    The Dalai Lama has a set of ‘instructions for life’, with the first one being ‘Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.’ it’s so, so true. As comfortable and safe as eating disorders are, when you begin to take risks, you begin to live again.
    I’ve just started a blog up at http://thenaturellelife.wordpress.com and I’ve got a good visualization activity on there that I think would benefit you,as well as some good quotes.
    Keep your chin up, you are doing a great job x

  3. Great post. I won’t even try to understand what you must have/are going through because no one will ever completely understand except you and your loved ones. I really hope you re-read your posts after you hit publish because you sound like such a strong person capable of anything! It seems like you have some fantastic cheerleaders at home. 🙂 You got this!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s