I had written a post earlier, but realized the content might be uncomfortable for the person I included to get my point across…
The below excerpt was extracted from that entry, so I apologize if it is a little more difficult to follow without the bigger picture, but I am hoping the message is helpful to others, because I had gotten several e-mails in the few hours it was online, expressing that the authors could also relate to my fears of abandonment.
It is no secret that I have issues with self-esteem but believe it or not there was a time in my life when I was a super confident person, and that is one of the major things I cannot wait to come back, but regardless of actually liking myself, I have always had “daddy-issues.”
For those of you who are new, the person I am referring to in this post is not my biological father.
I have only met the man with my blood twice and both instances were epic failures.
I didn’t really think about it growing up because I have such a wonderful uncle who stepped in and took on the influential male role, so I felt pretty darn blessed when my mom got re-married and I then had TWO men that I adored.
But apparently the fact that my biological father did not want me was buried somewhere deep inside and now makes me very insecure that people will just walk out of my life with no warning; especially men.
I have discussed the constant testing of Ryan’s patience and his tolerance for my antics before, concluding that it is because it would be easier for me to handle if I pushed him away rather than him making that decision on his own, but with my dad, since he is very consumed with his work, I feel like I will do anything and everything I can to get his attention, even if it is for a millisecond.
I will completely ignore my personal needs, for the occasional hug, or serious talk, to appease his preference of discussing baseball and current events.
Some would even argue I might have gotten sick, hoping he would notice and realize I needed him to be there beyond our weekly half hour breakfasts.
Regardless, when he told me yesterday that I HAD to do anything and everything I could to get healthy, even providing suggestions and offering his assistance, I was blown away, and definitely more motivated to stay on the right path.
I think it is obvious how mentally beaten down I am and he explained he has never seen me so tired. He expressed his belief I could, in fact, do this, just like I have always proven in difficult situations before, and that my life goals can only be accomplished with weight restoration.
He basically stated my physical health prevents people from taking me as a serious adult and he is right.
The past two days as I have pushed beyond my comfort zone I have tried to remember his comments and the positivity I felt after our discussion.
I HATE HATE HATE the feelings that come from eating an entire canister of nuts in 4 days and the caloric number that is summed in my head before I fall asleep. But I also HATE a lot of things about my life right now and just want them to change.
Complete happiness is contingent upon acceptance and self-love, which can only be obtained by putting in some hard work right now.
It will be worth it.
Happy Thursday, Friends! Only one more day until the long weekend 🙂