An Apple A Day…

In my little burst of motivation this weekend, I got to thinking about a few of the comments people made and e-mails I received about truly challenging my behaviors since I obviously have not done well with that in the past.

I believed I could just do what I was doing, diet foods, low calorie everything, in larger quantities and everything would be ok.

I might be able to put on a couple pounds by doing that, but nothing that ever really lasts or progresses further than what I am now. And it certainly does not rip me from the death grip of ED that has taken over my brain.

My life, my decisions, the meal plan I have abided by or thought would make me healthy, are no longer working for me, so if I am going to complain about that then something needs to change.

I know what you are thinking because as my husband pointed out when I was begging him to help me construct meals, new goals to set, etc. what is the point when we have been over this like 7897568947646894 times and nothing has ever been different?

I challenge myself for, um, a day and then freak out.

Welllllll, as a very good bl-iend suggested maybe this forum can be my accountability?

Normally I am pretty embarrassed to disclose anything I eat, or my lack of exercise here because I am scared of being judged…LAZY, FAT, GLUTTONOUS, EW…

You get the point.

But I think I need to perhaps get out of my comfort zone in more ways than one.

Everyone I connect with via social-media, my friends at home that I truly consider my FRIENDS and my family are nothing but supportive so what is the big deal if I eat a cookie or have a little extra around the middle?

The Answer: It isn’t a big deal…Ed just likes to tell me it is to prevent me from living life…

So if anyone would like to join in, with recovery goals, or just challenges in general, the theme of the week (and beyond) is “A CHALLENGE A DAY WILL KEEP THE DOCTOR AWAY!”

I started this on Saturday so here is a little recap of the weekend accomplishments…

Saturday: Increased my meal plan by adding more fat.

I tend to whine a lot about my skin looking pale and my hair dead and lifeless.

Coincidently those things can only alter if I restore my nutrition, particularly by adding fats.

Fats and carbs are the scariest food groups in the world to me; probably because I love them most and I worry that if I have one serving of my favorite Emerald nuts I will need more and more and more.

Um, who cares?

First of all, nuts and other fats are fabulously tasty and second, they are SUPER good for overall wellness.

I used to try and indulge my desires for these things by eating PB2, or having only portions I could precisely measure.

Saturday was my first attempt at letting that go.

PB2, you have nothing on my Wild Squirrel Peanut Honey Pretzel.

Instead of the ONE TABELSPOON of PB2 I thought was “enough,” or the tiny teaspoon of jarred nut butter I considered “plenty,” we upgraded to a spoonful of the real deal.

And this may come as a complete shock, but by adding a little extra here or there, I actually got closer to the meal plan prescribed by medical professionals.

Imagine that.

Sunday: NO TREADMILL…NO 45 Minutes….Just a few laps around the neighborhood with my husband.

Normally, even if I walk outside, I feel compelled to do at least 45 minutes, or over 3 miles.

I was tired, I opted to go back to bed with Ry on the dreary morning, and instead after our family picnic we just took a stroll around the neighborhood (that is completely flat, I might add) at a leisurely pace.


I made honest to goodness, non-portion controlled pancakes from a mix.

I saw someone post about a stack of one of my fave breakfast foods on Facebook the night before and knew immediately that would be my challenge the next morning.

I have so many memories of making Mickey Waffles and pancakes with my family, but when the craving hits I opt for frozen waffles to tide my over…light frozen waffles…

After Monday, I will confirm to you that pancakes, even though they did come from a box, are freakin amazing.

Covered in CSA box peaches, some nut butter and greek yogurt. Yup, this was repeated Tuesday.

Tuesday: Ryan is picking up my favorite sandwich of all time from a local cafe.

I have had this lunch a few times throughout my journey and had a ton of anxiety about it because, “oh my gosh the bread is ginormous…the cranberry almond relish is sugary and too much….the portion of turkey is enough for Michael Phelps…” but let’s get serious.

It is a roasted turkey sandwich on whole grain bread without homemade cranberry almond relish.

That is both nutritious and delicious and my favorite sandwich in the entire universe.

Last week my office ordered out from this quaint little cafe to celebrate one of our principal’s birthdays. Originally I ordered it, and then took back my decision and said I did not need to spend any extra money on myself.

It is true I have enormous guilt about spending money on take out but that is because I feel like I do not DESERVE to have something so good.

I craved this darn lunch for a week and then Ryan suggested we have it at dinner so we could enjoy one of favorite locales together.

Obviously I love him for a reason 🙂


Ok, here is where I am stuck.

I WANT and NEED to make progress, but have trouble coming up with challenges for myself, partially because I think ED doesn’t like to admit where I need work.

(I need a lot of work!)

So if you want to offer up any suggestions I would GREATLY appreciate your advice.

How do you challenge yourself?

Do you prepare yourself, or do you JUST DO IT?

I found it got a LITTLE easier with each practice (like the pancakes, for example) so I am absolutely going to remember that as I attempt more difficult obstacles.

Have a terrific Tuesday!!


10 thoughts on “An Apple A Day…

  1. This is kinda weird…in a good way. We must have been twins in another life (I mean, I do already have one but you must be my ‘other’ twin, we have too much in common with how we think. lol

    First of all on Sunday (which is supposed to be my rest day but I usually work out anyway out of guilt) I too issued a challenge to myself to only walk around my neighborhood, which is also flat and did not raise my heart rate at all…and I did it.

    And….pancakes. I. LOVE. pancakes. Like no, you have no idea how much I love pancakes. If I could marry them, I’m pretty sure I would dump my bf and head to a justice of the peace. (ok not really but you get my point lol) But for months have refused to touch them because of my fear that they’re nothing but syrup saturated carbs that will make me huge. I’ve just stared at them like a forlorn idiot on pinterest boards and dreamed about them at night. But after reading your post…I think I’m going to ‘do it’- I think I’m gonna have some pancakes. And no, not the ‘protein pancakes’ that are low carb, low calories. I’m thinking about buttery, crispy on the outside soft on the inside hotcakes with maple syrup (that has NOT been preportioned out with 1 single tablespoon)

    And omg I’ve been craving Buffalo chicken like nobody’s business. But the restaurant that makes the kind I like best breads and fries them before slathering them in the delicious spicy sauce so that was obviously a no no for me…but now you’re starting to make me feel brave enough so that I might be treating myself to my buffalo chicken very soon…

    For me, yes I do have to plan challenging myself. At this point in my recovery there’s no way I can do it unexpectedly, I’m not strong enough for that yet.

    My suggestion for Wednesday for you?…eat something that has no healthy justification. Like, none. I know this may seem a little wrong because in reality it is totally a good thing to eat foods that are healthy and nutritious to our bodies. We shouldn’t make a habit of pigging out on unhealthy foods. That’s all totally true. However, if you’re anything like me (and you really seem like you are ;-)) then you usually end up using the healthy justification in a negative way- like, you CAN’T eat anything that doesn’t make your list of pre approved foods because you feel like you don’t deserve it or you have to punish yourself by denying yourself these things. That’s where it sounds like we both step into a dangerous area with the healthy food-so Wednesday, try eating something that doesn’t meet that cruel, impossible standard you set for yourself in anyway. This way, the only justification you can have by eating it will be- “because I love myself more than ED, and I believe I’m worthy enough to have this.” Which is exactly where you need to be in the first place.

    You’re a Godsend hon, I’m convinced. I SO needed this blog in my life. I feel like I’m getting closer and closer to recovery with every one of your posts so please, I beg you…DON’T STOP. Keep going and we can get through this. ❤


    • Jessica!

      We are twins haha and I very much wish we could talk in person because obviously we relate so well!

      If you were ever up for it we could do challenges together! Maybe one day we can GO OUT for pancakes on the same day…boyfriends are always up for breakfast out!!! and then we could get legit, delicious pancakes without lifting a finger. Sometimes it is easier when you don’t actually prepare the food yourself because SOME of the control is gone.

      Obviously that might not happen this weekend, because that would be a pretty big challenge for me, but we should make it a goal!!!

      I think you should go get your chicken! We both deserve to have things we LOVE and I am here supporting you every bite, every step of the way!

      Thank you for all your encouragement and support. You are a Godsend my darling. You absolutely are!

  2. When I was going through recovery for restrictive anorexia & compulsive over exercise, the big turning point for me was changing the choice / type of food that I bought and ate. I had to shift from sugar free / fat free / low calorie / low taste foods to the real types of food in order to actually start recovering. It was foolish of me to think that I could recover eating the same types of food that resulted in me being depressed, miserable, emaciated and dying. I think you need to challenge yourself to consume foods that are natural for your body to eat and utilise. I know it seems like such a simple statement and it is asking you to take such a big risk. But as my dietitian said to me about eating real foods…
    “try it for a few weeks, even just a few days. if you don’t see/feel the benefits then you can always go back to what you have been eating. if you continue eating what you are, you will continue to obsess / be consumed with thoughts of food. feeding your body and brain real food will allow your body to heal and for you to begin living a full life. and as I said, you’ve shown your ability to control and starve yourself. i want you to prove me that you’re strong enough to heal yourself.”
    those words were enough to begin trusting myself and my body.
    it’s a long and painful journey. but it is beyond worth it when you come out the other side.
    take care 🙂

  3. This is a great idea CJ. Sometimes ED likes to talk about how we will change, but when it comes down to it we fail to put actions into what we are talking about changing. I’ve been through this multiple times. I always think, oh tomorrow will be different. But, it never is! No one, besides ourselves, think that these changes will make us “fat”. In fact when I put on weight (that I desperately needed) when I started recovery, I was always told how proud people were of me. My therapist even said she had never even seen anyone at my lowest weight being able to change habits and gain weight on their own. Which made me extremely proud of myself, and I realized I can do this. Maybe you can even repeat the challenges, because that way it will become easier to start implementing them daily! That’s how I really got over the fear of introducing in new foods. And after these challenges you could even set up “treats”. Like until I gain “x” amount of pounds, I am not aloud to go to the mall, and when you reach that goal you can treat yourself to a clothing item, you know something along those lines. It sounds silly, but little tiny goals seemed more reasonable then looking down the long recovery road like “holy moly, my nutritionist/doctor say I have to gain 30 pounds” that seems scary! But looking at it as 5 pounds is less daunting. I don’t even know if this made sense ha ha. I have been where you are, and am even still struggling with increasing my calories to the amount I know they need to be at to get all my hormones and stuff back to normal! But I’m tired of living this way, so am setting up little challenges to complete. We can do this CJ! Just know you are not alone in this journey!
    Again, sorry for the long comment;) Ha ha, This always happens when I leave comments! Oopsy

    • Oh my gosh I love the idea of rewards!!! Clothing is perfect because I would love to have some new things that make me feel good about my body!!! you always have such great insight hun! thanks for sharing your experiences. they are very helpful to me 🙂

  4. I definitely had to/have to just do it. It’s not always easy, but overthinking leads to a lack of action. So you want that sandwich? Just order it. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with repeating challenges every now and then. It seems like the most important thing is increasing your intake so you can become the healthy person you want and DESERVE to be 🙂

  5. I love the idea of setting new goals! I tend to do this every few months to keep myself on track. It’s so hard getting out of a rut sometimes but setting goals makes the transition more agreeable with the body and mind! I’m excited to see the progress!

  6. Great goals you have listed here! I suspect one of your biggest stumbling blocks is consistency tho. So i would say have the pancakes again. And again. And again. Like several times a week for at least a month. The same with your favorite sandwich. Same with walking on sunday with ryan. This isnt a “did it, checked it off the list, next” kind of thing.
    I know you know you are a few thousand sandwiches away from where you need to be.

    Letting go of measuring and only eating foods with labels would be another challenge. Use a ziplock sandwich bag as a unit of measure. Or a hubby handful as a unit of measurement.
    And buy the real stuff. Real ketchup. Regular maple syrup. Normal tortillas for wraps. Eat real eggs. Your energy will skyrocket, your body will thank you, and odds are these shifts wont impact your weight much either.

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