Friday night was pretty awesome.
(Any night is awesome at Rumor in Philadelphia, just an FYI)
I was supposed to attend a PA blogger meet up, but initially family plans conflicted, so I RSVPed no.
But then, sort of last-minute, my commitment fell through and I still managed to put together a fantastic, friend-filled evening that allowed me to unwind after a week of household drama and see some things that have proved to be great motivation to me the last few days.
You see, there was a period of my life where I did not absolutely hate myself, or the way I looked.
In college I was quite comfortable with my appearance, my personality and my capabilities.
I don’t know if I felt validated through athletics, or academics, and neither one of those should really be a person’s complete measure of self-worth, but I know I made friends relatively easily, had confidence and wasn’t so damn tired all the time.
Now, I am seriously embarrassed by the way I look, and feel.
Most people do not hide their opinions well, especially when there is alcohol involved (such as at the club we visited Friday night) and I am really sick of the mean stares and whispers that tend to follow me when I am walking to the bathroom or having a good time on the dance floor.
I promise I am not completely self-absorbed, thinking all anyone cares about is my physique, health or personal well-being, but I am becoming more and more conscious of the comments, looks and emotions people express in my presence.
Plus, as much as I feel like I am a good-hearted, friendly and fun person, being a skeleton does not make me very approachable.
Ok so, what am I saying?
Several people have questioned me about my recovery; asking how I am not sick and tired of being sick and tired, because in their personal journey’s they just got fed up with everything and had some switch go off that made them follow a “I WANNA BE HEALTHY SO DAMN BADLY” plan.
I never really experienced that…
I hate to sound completely vain and superficial, but I have reached a point where I am sick and tired of being ugly, frail and weak.
THIS (my current state) is NOT an attractive look by any means and when I see my girlfriends, who are absolutely gorgeous, inside and out, wearing fun clothes, having fabulously long and shiny hair, feminine and sexy from head to toe, I am jealous, because I had moments where I used to feel like that too.
Maybe it sounds lame, and like I said, probably pretty vain, but if motivation comes from wanting to build back the body, lack of exhaustion and strength I felt both mentally and physically in the past comes as a result of mean stares and feeling ugly, then I will take it.
Seriously, I welcome any motivation that leads to action, and making GOOD, RECOVERY-based decisions, and this weekend was proof that my girls-night, might have been just what I needed.
Happy Monday Friends!