Vain Inspiration

Friday night was pretty awesome.

(Any night is awesome at Rumor in Philadelphia, just an FYI)

I was supposed to attend a PA blogger meet up, but initially family plans conflicted, so I RSVPed no.

But then, sort of last-minute, my commitment fell through and I still managed to put together a fantastic, friend-filled evening that allowed me to unwind after a week of household drama and see some things that have proved to be great motivation to me the last few days.

You see, there was a period of my life where I did not absolutely hate myself, or the way I looked.

In college I was quite comfortable with my appearance, my personality and my capabilities.

I don’t know if I felt validated through athletics, or academics, and neither one of those should really be a person’s complete measure of self-worth, but I know I made friends relatively easily, had confidence and wasn’t so damn tired all the time.

Now, I am seriously embarrassed by the way I look, and feel.

Most people do not hide their opinions well, especially when there is alcohol involved (such as at the club we visited Friday night) and I am really sick of the mean stares and whispers that tend to follow me when I am walking to the bathroom or having a good time on the dance floor.

I promise I am not completely self-absorbed, thinking all anyone cares about is my physique, health or personal well-being, but I am becoming more and more conscious of the comments, looks and emotions people express in my presence.

Plus, as much as I feel like I am a good-hearted, friendly and fun person, being a skeleton does not make me very approachable.

Ok so, what am I saying?

Several people have questioned me about my recovery; asking how I am not sick and tired of being sick and tired, because in their personal journey’s they just got fed up with everything and had some switch go off that made them follow a “I WANNA BE HEALTHY SO DAMN BADLY” plan.

I never really experienced that…

Until now…

I hate to sound completely vain and superficial, but I have reached a point where I am sick and tired of being ugly, frail and weak.

THIS (my current state) is NOT an attractive look by any means and when I see my girlfriends, who are absolutely gorgeous, inside and out, wearing fun clothes, having fabulously long and shiny hair, feminine and sexy from head to toe, I am jealous, because I had moments where I used to feel like that too.

Maybe it sounds lame, and like I said, probably pretty vain, but if motivation comes from wanting to build back the body, lack of exhaustion and strength I felt both mentally and physically in the past comes as a result of mean stares and feeling ugly, then I will take it.

Seriously, I welcome any motivation that leads to action, and making GOOD, RECOVERY-based decisions, and this weekend was proof that my girls-night, might have been just what I needed.

Happy Monday Friends!


3 thoughts on “Vain Inspiration

  1. Well first of all, you are NOT ugly. Don’t know where you got that crazy idea but just…forget about it. You’re gorgeous. Seriously, I wish I looked like you, I’d be a lot happier with myself.

    Second, unsurprisingly, I can absolutely relate to what you’re saying here. One of the worst things about my struggle with ED is, sometimes the people in my life mistake my issues for vanity and I’ve gotten a lot of flack and criticism for what they think is an obsession with my appearance. It’s very difficult for me to try to explain to them that for me, the ED is not about wanting to look like Aishwarya Rai (although that would be pretty nice), it’s not about being vain or self-obsessed. My struggle with my ED is directly attached to my feelings of self worth in general. I use my weight as means of judging my value as a woman, and a human being. I’m tormented by thoughts that if I can’t fit into this ideal I have, then I’m worthless. I know it’s crazy, I know it’s not right, but that’s the way I feel. All my efforts and self-abuse that I’m actually doing to my body is my way of trying to feel worthy. This goes far beyond mere vanity.

    Naturally, my efforts have had negative side effects. I used to have the longest, thickest hair of all my sisters- I now have the weakest and shortest hair, while theirs is thriving. I’ve lost weight yes, but I constantly hear that it doesn’t “look good.” I’m an ethnic woman and for the most part the people in my life have an appreciation of curvy bodies. Ironically enough, the first places I do lose noticeable weight are the places that I can actually live with having some roundness in (my boobs and my butt). My other areas take more hard work and sacrifice. This sucks. I miss my old hair so much, but I almost feel like it’s a tradeoff now: my hair or a smaller body? Unfortunately, the body is winning.

    I’m so proud of you, CJ. Your bravery is very inspiring to me, and I can totally relate to what you’re saying about being sick and tired of being sick and tired all the time. I want my energy back. I want my hair back. I want my old cup size and ass back (so does my boyfriend ;-)) I just want to feel attractive and worthy at the same time…


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