In the school world summer is basically over.
The students aren’t back yet…they still have another week and a half of freedom, but most of the other office and administrative workers arrived this morning with large cups of coffee in hand and pretty miserable looks on their faces.
I can’t say I don’t blame them, I am just used to being here alone, so human contact with people outside the only four I saw the last few months is definitely a welcome change.
But despite my enthusiasm for having new colleagues to converse with, it didn’t take me long to notice how much I feel out of place in this environment.
Come to think of it, I feel a little lost in a lot of scenarios lately, but I think this is a good sign…
Let’s back up a bit…
The other night someone asked me what I blog about.
Uhm, it is kind of a blog about trying to living healthily?
(FYI I don’t typically divulge to people I am just meeting all about ED recovery and the ridiculousness of the last three years…not necessarily the best introduction…)
The operative word here is trying….because essentially everyday I wake up with the goal of getting back to a life of exercise, nutritious foods, comfort and confidence with who I am, etc. but as my journey has progressed the meaning of those ideas has completely changed for me.
Exercise used to be defined as running, and only distance running, racing and competition.
The only food I considered to be worthy of putting in my body was quality calories that counted toward performance; i.e. whole foods, or packaged ones that cost 3 times as much because they were labeled “healthy” or promoted in certain media forms or stores.
Pride came as a result of doing big things in the fitness and culinary world…perhaps beating my 5k times goal, getting more defined, following a strict plan devised by my trainer, hours in the gym, recipes including the lasts crazes of Chia seeds and ground flax…whatever made me feel super human and superior to the rest of the world that hated treadmills and has no caloric self-control.
Newsflash; most of the things listed above are boring.
At least the in-recovery CJ finds them to be quite boring.
Don’t get me wrong, a trip to Whole Foods can still be exciting when I run out of some of the staples I do genuinely enjoy and can’t purchase in my hometown.
I still appreciate the delicious bread of Great Harvest much more than any supermarket variety, and love that they support local business and the environment…
But my Saturdays no longer revolve around making the long drive to these places in order to feel good about myself, or construct a menu for the week.
Weis markets, you are four seconds from my house and your chicken tastes just as good as the over-priced free-range organic breasts from the natural market. (I especially like the new Perdue perfect portions Jamaican Jerk! Yes it is as delicious as it sounds!!!!) You are perfectly fine for our weekly grocery trip.
And this Saturday and Sunday when I did not get on the stupid walking machine, or do a set number of miles because the thought of it made me completely gag, I remembered how much fun I had dancing the night before, how tired I actually was and took a nap.
Who am I?
I cannot completely answer this question with a rigid outline of my being, an that makes me so happy!
It means I am still a work in progress and that’s what life is all about.
I can tell you things I like. I can tell you I am becoming more social and LIVING, enjoying, participating in things I wouldn’t have dreamed of months ago.
But the best thing I can tell you is I am open to change.
When I was in complete turmoil over leaving my first big girl job, thinking it was completely horrible of me to relinquish such a fabulous opportunity, my dad assured me sometimes the best thing about trying something new, even if we don’t always end up liking it, is it serves as a learning opportunity.
Recovery is FULL of these learning opportunities and as much as I initially hated that aspect because I was constantly feeling like a failure, struggling to find my place in the world, it is teaching me that I am an interesting person with a variety of dreams, hopes, and hobbies that make me pretty damn cool.
It feels good to start a Monday in this mindset.
Have a great beginning of the week everyone 🙂 Tell yourself something you like about YOU and I promise it will get off on the right foot!