Music, Friends and Make-Over Motivation…I Hope.

As I told you Thursday, we had some pretty awesome plans for the night and they went even better than I expected.

The night was filled with good friends, fabulous music (Mark Knight you are AMAZING) and was just an overall blast.

When I checked Facebook Saturday I was pretty excited to see some pictures of our group the club promoters took, actually made it to the the organization who sponsored the events page.

Excited until I actually looked through the photos…

I was embarrassed for myself.

Seriously, what happened to me?

I am by no means my lowest weight according to the scale (at least from the last time I checked since the scale miraculously disappeared over a month ago), but my body is not pretty.

Now, I have never been an extremely confident woman when it came to my physical appearance.

Truth be told I have always felt like the ugly duckling within my group of friends because they were all so beautiful, with boys flocking around them, while I was typically just considered the one you went to for female advice, BUT in high school and college I was somewhat comfortable with how I looked and who I was as a person.

Saturday when I glanced through the snap shots I could barely stand to keep my eyes open.

No wonder people look at me so awkwardly.

Where is the muscle I used to have?

Why don’t my clothes fit anything like they feel against my skin?

My hair is brittle and gross, and my skin does not glow no matter how much time I spend in the sun or at the salon.

I am kind of repulsed by myself actually, and although I don’t always see through “accurate” eyes, if this is what others have to view 24/7 then I want no part of it.

Here is the caveat…

I am scared to death of the time in between redistribution and now, because as many of you who have experienced recovery, or seen someone in the process, your body looks kind of weird for a while; Buddha belly and ponch that is my worst nightmare, and that always seems to halt any productivity I do make.

But I also hate what I and others are witnessing now…a pretty weak looking girl.

I do know one’s body is not the most important thing in the world.

I also KNOW how terrible it feels to look at yourself and see UGLY.

And that is how I feel…phyiscally and internally ugly.

Sounds like I need an extreme make-over.

Fortunately I don’t need ABC to do so…

Just strength, courage and persistence.

Easy, right?!


11 thoughts on “Music, Friends and Make-Over Motivation…I Hope.

  1. Easy as….pie? Sorry, had to go there. 🙂

    I’ve had similar experiences of looking at pictures and going, “OMG.” It’s actually a great reality check sometimes. It’s also helpful when I’m going through restoration to see that what I think is so “awkward” looking really isn’t that bad.

    Please be nice to yourself! Obviously, some dissatisfaction with your current state is necessary in order to be motivated to change, but I hope that you are able to focus on what you are going to get with recovery. For me, if I continue focusing solely on how horrible the ED is, I usually just end up beating myself up and doing more behaviors because I get down on myself. (“I said I didn’t want to do this anymore, it’s so hard….why can’t I get my stuff together? Maybe I’m doomed”…and then I go ahead and act out on my behaviors again…which starts the whole cycle over)!

    So I would encourage you to be forgiving of yourself and look at the person in the mirror, no matter the physical appearance, and tell her she’s an amazing woman. I read a book by Joel Osteen and he talked about looking in the mirror and speaking favor over your life. Saying, “I am beautiful. I am a conqueror. I am a child of God. I am made in His image.” If you’re not religious, it could just be affirmations. Sounds weird, but I tried it when I was in treatment and it really helped!!! It worked better to say the things out loud while I was looking myself in the eye…so, yeah. Be nice – it’s the opposite of what ED would tell you!

  2. ❤ girl, I get asked ALL the time by readers and clients about the buddha belly. You know what, I NEVER HAD IT! Not everyone does! Sure when you're eating more your stomach wille expand at first (it does for everyone!) but then you digest and it all distributes and then next morning you are just fine. I know some people deal with a little weird weight gain, but not everyone so it is NOT something that should hold you back from getting healthy and happy. You're beautiful girl!! Always!

  3. When I was recovering I always had to remind myself to treat myself as a friend. What would I tell a friend if she was going through this? Likely not the same thing I was telling myself. I would also never judge a friend if she gained weight.

    I also repeated affirmations – the one that worked best for me was “I am enough” or “I am not my body”.

    Yoga really helped me to realize that I am really a soul and my body is just the vehicle for my soul in this lifetime – I need to treat it well because it’s what I’ve been given. Sounds kindof odd, but it reaaallllyy helped my to reframe my thinking this way. Let me know if you want to talk!

  4. Easy, indeed actually! I mean, I hated how I looked when I put on dresses or low-cut shirts because I just looked like skeletor and it was disgusting. It’s different looking in a mirror and looking at pictures. With pictures, you can really see everything in one glance… and it’s an eye opener when you’re at a low weight. You start to wonder, “Why am I torturing myself so much everyday? What is it all worth? I’m not happy AND I look creepy!” This actually made the weight gain A LOT more easy for me… I accepted that I simply HAVE TO gain the weight. You can say you’re “recovering” all you want, but if you’re not actually gaining the weight you’re supposed to and think that eating a little more here and there suffices as recovery, you’re only fooling yourself and prolonging the effort.

    And from the Europe pictures you posted, I could not see a “Buddha belly” and although I know you can get bloated at the stage you’re in, I can promise you, it doesn’t always look how it feels! You can EASILY put on 20 pounds and it will all just smooth your body out so you don’t have any gross bones and ridges all over your body or sinewy arms. I had to gain 30 pounds. I was freaking out after 5, 10…. but I kept going. It was scary, but slowly I started to care less. I knew there was turning back — no more starving myself or going through that same, stupid, miserable cycle. And now, 30 pounds heavier, I wear the same dresses and shirts, and a few pairs of pants (with the exception of ridiculous skinny jeans of course!).

    • I have to agree that pictures are much more “accurate” than a mirror. Mirrors show me nothing because I am too focused on what I see in my mind. Perhaps viewing more photographs will provide continued motivation. Lets hope!!!

  5. I’m glad you had this realization at how sick you actually are and that you saw it through the eyes of others, if you get what I’m saying!
    I never really had the buddha belly thing, I know a lot of recoverers say that they do, but I think its more of something we see in the mirror and other people don’t notice it at all. In fact, I did think I had an extremely enormous belly, and my friends and family thought I was insane and didn’t notice anything different. The disorder messes so much with our heads I think we do in fact “see” this while in recovery!
    You are a beautiful and intelligent girl and never doubt yourself! Keep up the positivity and I know you can do this!! I’m right there with you!xox

    • Awe thanks for the reassurance Lisa! You are so sweet and always make me feel so much better after reading your comments. I hope you had a fabulous weekend!

  6. I can SO relate to this,CJ! I am also ashamed of myself when seeing myself on pictures,especially if there are “normal” people on it as well; those are moments in which I think “HECK,girl,grab that chocolate bar and GAIN WEIGHT!” Unfortunately,such moments usually don’t last for long,BUT in general,I of course know that no matter what ED is telling me,I NEED to keep fighting and pushing my ED – even if it seems like the hardest thing on earth. Please do the same and always remember YOU ARE WORTH IT. ’cause you are,trust me.

  7. What is really interesting with women with eating disorders is that a different part of the brain is activated when looking at photographs vs looking in the mirror, and therefore you are able to be more objective. Use this to help motivate yourself, take a photo from your healthy happy time and one from recently and know that the extra bag of popchips or TB of nt butter is inconsequential- you are thousands of bags of popchips from where you need to be. (and real chips are significantly more satisfying btw!)

    • I think your picture idea is fabulous! Perhaps I should tape one to our pantry!!! And I hate to disagree with you about the chips because you are probably thinking “oh its just the ED talking” but I just am not on board with regular potato chips. They are too thin and not as crunchy; however I love BBQ flavored almonds! Now THOSE, are fantastic! I need to get myself another container of those! Healthy fats all the way!!

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