Life Should Be Enough Incentive

I have gotten quite a few questions about why I am no longer attending The Healthy Living Summit. (Insert sad face here) and I can’t even begin to tell you how difficult a decision it was to make.

Like I have told you all before, last year’s conference was seriously one of the most fun, educational and awesome experiences I have ever had.

I made friends, learned a ton about social media, blogging, etc. but I also left with a false perception of myself.

All the women I met were wonderfully inspiring, with huge fitness accomplishments, fabulous recipe creating capabilities, what appeared to be a great sense of balance, and confidence I could only dream of, and I somehow convinced myself that I could start emulating these things, as well.

That sounds great, right?!

I needed a little more self-assurance, and learning a life of moderation was/is my goal, after all, but I also decided running was appropriate again (you know, because if everyone else was doing it, I should be too) and that a very clean diet was way better than following a meal plan.

Ultimately, I fooled myself into thinking I could live that lifestyle, but my body wasn’t healthy enough for those changes.

As you can imagine, when I told Ryan I wanted to go again this year, he was hesitant.

He knows how much I compare myself to others and how I use that to justify my ED behaviors. <- (SO wrong, I know!).

I am just not in the right place to trust myself NOT to be destructive, or personally deceitful toward my own recovery.

I have enough enough trouble convincing myself that there is any problem with the way I live when I am in my own little bubble, so although no one ever deliberately says things to make me feel this way, my brain loves to twist what it sees in just the right manner to make me believe extreme forms of “healthy habits” are perfectly ok FOR me.

You don't have to say it. I know my thought process is pretty irrational.

And speaking of giving things up, Ryan came home the other night with some seriously disturbing concerns…

Remember how I told you I had awesome plans tonight?!

Well Ry, a few of our friends and I are going to DC to see Mark Knight and a club called Lima.

This translates to hours of dancing, SO much fun, and quality time with people I really enjoy being around.

In theory this is pretty much Ryan and my version of the perfect evening, but after work on Tuesday he suggested this be our last event like this for awhile.

WHAT?!

I feel like I just started being social again!!!

Granted it might not always be the best idea for me to move my ass off for a long period of time in order to have a good time, but I thought Ryan was thrilled with our new weekend calendar, so I was still completely taken aback by his statements.

He didn’t say these things to be cruel…what he meant was he wants me to be in a better place physically, and I get that, but some of the comments he made sounded like he was very much embarrassed to be seen with me, and that I was going to be punished if I did not gain weight…fast.

The intention was not to insinuate punishment, but he has told me before it is more disturbing to be in public with me when I look as unattractive (this is my word not his, he used another adjective that is escaping me at the current moment) as I do now.

I was pretty much furious during and after this little chat.

I wanted to scream and yell, “THIS IS BULLS*IT!!!” because for the FIRST time in a long time we are having FUN together and participating in LIFE.

I am sick of sitting on the couch watching tv, going to the movies, or just doing at-home activities, because that’s all we have done for the past few years. That is all we felt “comfortable” doing without one of us freaking out on the other.

I was SO excited that our marriage was once again vibrant and fresh; not so focused around food, exercise and how horrible I felt, and I was devastated that this positivity could all be GONE!

I know this is all my fault, but I am just so frustrated that my brain has been incapable of breaking down the annoying ED barriers and just saying “who cares if you ate half the box of Kashi for breakfast!?! You were hungry!!!”

Will this be my turning point? ED yet again coming in and ruining something I have that is good?! Because I really do have everything (obviously more than glow sticks and loud music) to lose at this point if I cannot get my act together.

How long will people seriously put up with me because I can’t imagine it being much more?

I need to stay strong, focus on constructive recovery behaviors, and find meaning in life outside of being so darn negative.

Maybe this sounds like the same old story on another day, but I am a smart girl; it has to sink in sometime.

I am TRUSTING it will sink in sometime; I just need to fight harder.

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7 thoughts on “Life Should Be Enough Incentive

  1. I would say not going to the Healthy Living Summit is the best decision you have made in a long, long time CJ!

    Have a great time at the club, enjoy your dancing and then put all your energy into getting better so you and Ryan can enjoy yourselves ALL the time without an unwanted disordered addition 🙂 x

  2. I second not going to the healthy living summit is a great decision, but hard.

    I had a conversation with a dear, dear friend recently over whether she wanted me at her house and around her kids if I lost much more weight and looked emaciated. It was hard, and yet somehow not all of me found that motivation to try to eat. But I’m working on it, because I don’t want to let this get in the way of a really good friendship. I hear you. It’s hard. I hope this does manage to be a turning point.

    • oh gosh. I am so sorry you had to have that conversation! I hope you can really use it as motivation to do the right things for you and your body! ❤

  3. Hi CJ- Smart idea to hang back from HLS…..I think that this may be the kick you need to get on track. When I was deep in my disorder, a lot of people I loved stop calling me or wanting to be around me because it hurt them too much to see me. Ryan might be hitting his low point too- after a while it gets too painful for our loved ones. Just a thought. Again, I am here anytime to talk 🙂

  4. It’s not a matter of how much longer will people put up with you, girl. It’s how much longer are YOU going to put up with ED’s BS?

    I know Ryan’s comments were hurtful. I’ve been there. In a way, I am there. Because, despite eating more, my weight is still not responding consistently the way my team wants it to and they are currently not completely on board with my exercise. I want to scream, too. BUT, remember that what we need to be screaming is “I want MORE than this!” More than a life of meal plans and restrictions and rules. I think NOT going to the HLS is a HUGE victory for you over ED. That’s how we get better – one decision at a time!

    I really appreciate your honesty on your blog. I do wonder, though, if you do need more structured help? I don’t know what level of care you have now, but maybe an outpatient day program could be helpful, if there’s one near you? I know it’s not what anyone wants to do, but if you are really struggling, it’s better to do it now than take time off during the school year, right? It’s just a thought. Please don’t think I’m trying to tell you you’re being bad or wrong and need to be sent off to a center. That is not my intention. I’m just saying it sounds like, if it’s available to you, that you could use a more supportive environment just to break some bad routines.

    Again, I appreciate your honest and the only people I have ever seen really recover are those who can be honest with themselves and others. It’s the biggest weapon we have against ED.

  5. CJ,believe me,Ryan is not thinking about how “embarassing” it is to be seen at your side in public. It’s understandable that this is the first thought that comes to your mind,but honestly,you know it better,don’t you? Ryan loves you,he loves you very much,and he’s WORRIED. Because even if your ED tells you dancing was not a workout; not exhausting at all,in reality,it IS. It burns a whole lot of energy; energy you NEED to recover and get better at the moment,and as Ryan is well aware of that you’re not eating as much as would be necessary to make up for the exercise,he’s afraid it might endanger your health even more. Imagine how you would feel if Ryan was in a similar state of health – would you want him to go out in the evening? Would you want to be worried all night because of fearing he could collapse the next moment?
    Take care of yourself,CJ. And don’t go to the HLS – it will be the best for you,trust me.

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