I was blessed with a morning of clarity, which doesn’t happen too often in my world, but as I was at work, my mind couldn’t help but be distracted with about 48564864 thoughts on the past weekend, life in general and my feelings toward myself.
Bear with me because I am sure there will be some repeat themes of the past few weeks (um, or year that I have been blogging?) but I truly believe God keeps replaying these thoughts for a reason; like maybe they are important and I should pay more attention.
I think I mentioned that after Ryan’s birthday dinner we made a random trip to Penn State to see a few of our friends and do a little dancing.
It is no secret I absolutely LOVE to dance.
Music just moves me in ways spiritually, physically and emotionally that I cannot compare to any other existential thing on the planet. And while I am dancing like a lunatic, because sometimes there is no rhyme or reason to the way my body tends to go, I am in my own place. I don’t particularly care what anyone thinks; if they are laughing at me or making fun of whatever I am doing, I am in my own personal space enjoying the moment.
…But then the next day I have an anxiety attack about the money we spent going out the night before
Go figure a negative thought comes in and rains on my parade.
We are fine financially. Ryan and I both work and watch what we spend, but I feel so guilty when money is used for things that may not be necessary; especially when it is “selfishly” spent on me.
I do love to shop, and I do enjoy new clothes, shoes, food finds, etc. And within reason I will make purchases but I second-guess everything in my cart and have buyers remorse for days when I can’t justify the dollars coming out of my wallet.
As a 25 year old female who has never really left my home and been social before I don’t want to have the bill at the end of the night ruin my fun.
For the first time in a VERY long time Ryan and I are doing things we like together and if he (who takes charge of the majority of our finances) is ok with what we are doing, then I should just chill the hell out and go with it.
I trust my husband very much and I do not believe he would ever do anything to jeopardize our well-being, so from now on, I am going to tell those horrific downer thoughts to stuff it.
Hopefully that will work Friday morning because we have some killer plans Thursday night (more on that later in the week 😉 ). Remind me of this post then, thank you.
And speaking of Ryan’s birthday celebration, it also helped me see the extent of my illness.
I am the queen of denial, you know.
I will try to convince people up and down that I don’t have a problem; partially because I rarely speak to anyone outside my immediate family about what is going on with me medically…or emotionally for that matter, and because sometimes I don’t even think anything is wrong.
But recently I have been blessed with making a few new friends who are really fabulous at being open, honest, and compassionate toward my situation.
I always feel annoying bringing up my struggles to others, because I HATE HATE HATE seeming like a weak, pathetic, burden more than I naturally do, but for some reason I feel very comfortable with these individuals and its like I can’t help but lean on them for opinions and advice.
I think it is because they are so non-judgmental, free and open-minded. I see how much fun they are able to have, how confident they appear to be with themselves, and I want that too.
As much as my repetitive behaviors make it seem like I want to live this horrific existence forever, I really do want out.
I want my old body back…the one when I could cheer, run, function as a person with rational and intelligent thoughts that weren’t based around nutrition.
I want to have an awesome night out and just leave it at that without the guilt of sleeping too much the next day, what my credit card will be and if I should cut back on my meal plan because I didn’t do a structured treadmill work out (because apparently in my mind dancing is not a form of acceptable physical activity?!).
I want to look at my new friend, who I think is absolutely gorgeous, and such a great hearted person, and take her example to LIVE and stop being so internally controlling.
I want all these things but I stand in my way.
Every time my tummy rumbles and it is not an “appropriate” meal/snack time my mind goes blank to all my aspirations and says “uh, don’t you dare pick up that bag of PopChips!”
What the hell is wrong with me?!
I look like a 12 year old boy, and feel like I can’t have an extra tablespoon of peanut butter because it will make me blow up instantaneously?
I am ridiculous.
Please, CJ. Start thinking like the smart, intelligent female you once were, because this is just stupid.
I have these glimpses of what I want…essentially what I NEED, in order to LIVE and insignificant beliefs, rituals and rules dictate my behavior down a path toward destruction.
I pray that the brief moments of clarity God has blessed me with (more frequently) lately, start to stick, because I am seriously annoyed with myself and these few years.
I have just dug myself in a hole so deep where I can see the light, have some tools to aid in my climb out, but am too tired to really put in the effort.
How embarrassed should I be to admit that?