Cyclical Frustration

I was blessed with a morning of clarity, which doesn’t happen too often in my world, but as I was at work, my mind couldn’t help but be distracted with about 48564864 thoughts on the past weekend, life in general and my feelings toward myself.

Bear with me because I am sure there will be some repeat themes of the past few weeks (um, or year that I have been blogging?) but I truly believe God keeps replaying these thoughts for a reason; like maybe they are important and I should pay more attention.

I think I mentioned that after Ryan’s birthday dinner we made a random trip to Penn State to see a few of our friends and do a little dancing.

It is no secret I absolutely LOVE to dance.

Music just moves me in ways spiritually, physically and emotionally that I cannot compare to any other existential thing on the planet. And while I am dancing like a lunatic, because sometimes there is no rhyme or reason to the way my body tends to go, I am in my own place. I don’t particularly care what anyone thinks; if they are laughing at me or making fun of whatever I am doing, I am in my own personal space enjoying the moment.

…But then the next day I have an anxiety attack about the money we spent going out the night before

Go figure a negative thought comes in and rains on my parade.

We are fine financially. Ryan and I both work and watch what we spend, but I feel so guilty when money is used for things that may not be necessary; especially when it is “selfishly” spent on me.

I do love to shop, and I do enjoy new clothes, shoes, food finds, etc. And within reason I will make purchases but I second-guess everything in my cart and have buyers remorse for days when I can’t justify the dollars coming out of my wallet.

As a 25 year old female who has never really left my home and been social before I don’t want to have the bill at the end of the night ruin my fun.

For the first time in a VERY long time Ryan and I are doing things we like together and if he (who takes charge of the majority of our finances) is ok with what we are doing, then I should just chill the hell out and go with it.

I trust my husband very much and I do not believe he would ever do anything to jeopardize our well-being, so from now on, I am going to tell those horrific downer thoughts to stuff it.

Hopefully that will work Friday morning because we have some killer plans Thursday night (more on that later in the week 😉 ). Remind me of this post then, thank you.

And speaking of Ryan’s birthday celebration, it also helped me see the extent of my illness.

I am the queen of denial, you know.

I will try to convince people up and down that I don’t have a problem; partially because I rarely speak to anyone outside my immediate family about what is going on with me medically…or emotionally for that matter, and because sometimes I don’t even think anything is wrong.

But recently I have been blessed with making a few new friends who are really fabulous at being open, honest, and compassionate toward my situation.

I always feel annoying bringing up my struggles to others, because I HATE HATE HATE seeming like a weak, pathetic, burden more than I naturally do, but for some reason I feel very comfortable with these individuals and its like I can’t help but lean on them for opinions and advice.

I think it is because they are so non-judgmental, free and open-minded. I see how much fun they are able to have, how confident they appear to be with themselves, and I want that too.

As much as my repetitive behaviors make it seem like I want to live this horrific existence forever, I really do want out.

I want my old body back…the one when I could cheer, run, function as a person with rational and intelligent thoughts that weren’t based around nutrition.

I want to have an awesome night out and just leave it at that without the guilt of sleeping too much the next day, what my credit card will be and if I should cut back on my meal plan because I didn’t do a structured treadmill work out (because apparently in my mind dancing is not a form of acceptable physical activity?!).

I want to look at my new friend, who I think is absolutely gorgeous, and such a great hearted person, and take her example to LIVE and stop being so internally controlling.

I want all these things but I stand in my way.

Every time my tummy rumbles and it is not an “appropriate” meal/snack time my mind goes blank to all my aspirations and says “uh, don’t you dare pick up that bag of PopChips!”

What the hell is wrong with me?!

I look like a 12 year old boy, and feel like I can’t have an extra tablespoon of peanut butter because it will make me blow up instantaneously?

I am ridiculous.

Please, CJ. Start thinking like the smart, intelligent female you once were, because this is just stupid.

I have these glimpses of what I want…essentially what I NEED, in order to LIVE and insignificant beliefs, rituals and rules dictate my behavior down a path toward destruction.

I pray that the brief moments of clarity God has blessed me with (more frequently) lately, start to stick, because I am seriously annoyed with myself and these few years.

I have just dug myself in a hole so deep where I can see the light, have some tools to aid in my climb out, but am too tired to really put in the effort.

How embarrassed should I be to admit that?

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17 thoughts on “Cyclical Frustration

  1. Good morning!
    At LCBC the sermon seemed as though it’d be well suited for you last week. I specifically remember the words “healthy – happy – and whole” coming up at different points. If you’re interested in hearing it, it will be on radio station 90.3 around 10am this Sunday.
    Have a great day and hopefully work goes fast today!

  2. I am the exact same way when it comes to spending money. Before Chris & I moved into our new house, I tried to meticulously account for every penny we would be spending, which is impossible. I get so much anxiety over spending, when in reality, we’re always fine! I guess it’s actually a good thing — to be mindful of our finances & spending — but sometimes it’s OK to indulge & spend money on stuff that isn’t a necessity!

    • I agree with you! You and I both work hard for our money and there is nothing wrong with buying a little something extra every once in a while 🙂

  3. I get what you are saying about the money situation… I get loads of anxiety around money as well, although it’s a slightly different situation with me. I am dependent on my mom still (no official job yet, still in school!) and so whenever she spends money on me and it has to do with some kind of doctor visit, treatment option or anything to do with the ED, I get sooo anxious and feel awful about it! I actually stopped seeing a therapist that worked for me becasue I could not tolerate her spending money on the therapist.. it was just too much and she works so hard for it and yeah, didn’t seem fair to me! Sorry, serious rambling right here!

    Anyway, I did like your reflections in this post and I hope you are taking them to heart. You and I both want to be beyond the people that do everything by the book! We both know little things (like that extra T of pb) is NOT going to make a difference, and only do wonders for your body! Maintain these positive thoughts CJ!

    • How are we so alike?! I stopped going to therapy and seeing my nutritionist because I was having heart palpatations about the stinkin’ 20$ co-pays!!! In the long run, those small increments of money will save a ton because if your organs fail, hopsital bills would be outrageous…not to mention having an actual LIFE is priceless!!! You deserve a gazillion dollars worth of happiness hun. I hope you know that!!!

      • I hope i somehow misunderstood the above comment.
        Did you seriously STOP going to therapy OR your nutritionist?!?!?
        If so you need to reconsider if You made that choice “because of money” (um, $20 is not a deal breaker) or if ED made that decision for you
        I have yet to hear a success story about anyone with a chronic eating disorder who stopped seeking help. Those stories dont end well.

  4. CJ. Once again, I’m only commenting because I think you are awesome!!! You are avoiding avoiding avoiding what you really need. Inpatient treatment. You are going in circles and living from one big event to another-Europe and now the Healthy Living thing. Remember the Key’s study. Your brain will remain in this distorted state until you restore body weight (and your obsession with food and health is a direct result of this state of starvation). You are getting so lost in all the little details and missing out on the big picture…That you need to gain a large amount of weight and the more you put this off, the more damage is being done to your body. Please seek help from real professionals.

  5. CJ,I can relate perfectly to everything you’ve said. I know the anxiety about sleeping “too much”,the guilt after spending money for “avoidable” reasons as well as the feeling that dancing “cannot be a workout”,simply because it’s fun and enjoyable and everyone else does it,too,occasionally… BUT I also know these thoughts are absolutely deceiving and hindering my recovery process. Even though I believe you actually know that,too,I want to underline once more how important it is for you to IGNORE the voices in your head; how important it is to GIVE your body that extra peanut butter – or whatever it is that you’re craving – because you NEED it to become healthy again… And because you’ve mentioned so often already how much you want your old body back; your old life without your eating disorder. Please always remember that,hang in there,stay strong. Recovery’s not a piece of cake (sorry for that awkward metaphore),but it will be worth it. If you ever need to talk… Know that I’m here. Hugs.

    • Thanks Kat! I know you completely understand where I am coming from. I am sad that you understand so well because I know how miserable it is, but I really appreciate your offer for a chat sometime! Support has been the only thing sometimes that gets me through the day!!!

  6. Hey lady! This post reminds me of a book I’m reading – The Big Leap http://www.thebigleap.net/
    One of the major messages is that we cannot let ourselves enjoy happiness or success. Once we get into a moment or period of it, we sabotage ourselves because we don’t think we are worthy or know how to handle it. Learning to know that we CAN and SHOULD have constant happiness and success is important!

    • That sounds like a book I need to pick up!!! I always say I dont deserve good things I have, or think “oh my gosh this will never last.” Negativity is such a downer! Thanks for sharing hun!!!

  7. So glad to hear you’re having some moments of clarity. I can totally relate to your anxiety about money (esp. now, since I’m coming home from what was supposed to be a 6 week study abroad program after a week…talk about a waste of $$). I also feel your pain on the whole “acceptable” forms of physical activity. Since I’ve been in Peru, I’ve hiked SO much and walk everywhere, but I still have SO much anxiety and guilt at the end of the day because to me that doesn’t seem like “enough” exercise to justify the food for that day.
    When you said you need to start thinking like the smart, intelligent female you once were I was really struck because I’ve said those same words over and over. But maybe we should shift that thought just a little to “start thinking like the smart, intelligent female WE ARE” That way its like we believe that at our core we are strong, smart, rational women. Sorry for the rambling, sending lots of love your way!

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