Put It On Repeat

Boredom is my nemesis.

It is like the death to a productive recovery.

Seriously, ask my husband, at home I am either doing something technological (which for me means twitter, Facebook, e-mail or blog checking on my phone), cleaning something, pacing around aimlessly or asking what he wants to do.

I didn’t use to be like this but I swear idle hands/minds are the devils work in my ED warped world.

That’s because I just want my mind to shut the heck up for like five seconds, and that can usually only happen when I am both mentally and physically occupied, but Ryan gave me a little challenge.

I didn’t realize his feelings were being hurt by me always trying to create distractions and it had been a while since we were at home, on the couch, just being with one another.

Am I the only one like this? I doubt it because I feel like I see more and more people always fiddling with some sort of gadget, even when they are with another person.

Regardless, in the past few weeks we have tried something new; no phones, computer, nothing but us and maybe a tv program we both like but will still communicate through, the hour before bed.

See this is when I normally consume my snack, and a time where I sat in my same spot, with my same items, scrolling through the same websites, checking my phone, etc. all simultaneously while being in the same room with the person I love.

That hour could be much better spent conversing with one another; laughing at the ridiculously pathetic guys on the Bachelorette (except you Jeff, I totally love you!), or even sitting next to each other trying to get closer.

He told me this is the time I seem most distant and he is right.

I am doing everything I can NOT to total up my entire days worth of calories and let it affect my mood.

I am trying not to think about the other cravings I could potentially have that I suppressed through the day.

I am shutting down and attempting to ignore the roll I see/feel forming around my midsection that makes me feel so self-conscious I just want to crawl in a hole.

But there was a time in our relationship when our pre-bed QT was my absolute favorite.

In college we would spend hours laughing, catching up, telling our secrets, not worrying about my rigid 9:30 bed time and calories he thinks I missed and I think are too much.

Where the heck did that girl go….that carefree relationship go?

But since he brought up my aloof manner I tend to have most evenings, we have tried a few new things and I like them.

There is nothing better than a good back scratch or rub, a snuggle under a blanket, a ridiculous reality-tv program you can both make fun of.

These are the things I want to remember; not that I really wanted a big bowl of cereal rather than an egg white omelet 14 hours earlier.

I appreciate a friend for pointing me in the direction of The Hungry Runner Girl, because after reading some of her past posts, one in particular where she described what made it “easier” for her to put on weight,” I started thinking about what she wrote…

People have suggested a thousand times that I consider how I want to be remembered when I die….as the thinnest one in the room or as a great person?

Duh, easy question.

But I want to start thinking about what I WANT TO REMEMBER about my life.

Do I want to remember the nights huddled next to my space heater because I am so freaking cold but insist on making a gallon size Arctic Zero “shake” (ice and water thrown in a blender is not a “shake” FYI) so I won’t gnaw my arm off in the middle of the night?

No!

I want to remember fun, smiles and positive things, but like I said the other day, that all starts with me.

It might take me feeling pretty damn awful; with excessive food guilt, body image issues, etc. to achieve my goals.

So what am I going to remind myself?

THIS IS TEMPORARY…

Not everyone wakes up every morning thinking they are the most beautiful creature on the planet, but they certainly don’t want to hide in their room in shame after eating a bagel.

That life CAN and WILL be fabulous.

I have experienced this in moments…hello night of dancing, spontaneity, and in glimpses while we were away on vacation, but I know there is MORE out there, and I want to feel it!

Life is FRAGILE.

Ed loves to tell me I am fine; everyone else is delusional for telling me I have a problem, and there is nothing about how I live that needs to change. But my knees that are so swollen I can barely sit, my back that aches so bad I can hardly stand, the sleep that is nonexistent and my hair that is now falling out in clumps, proves the negative voice wrong.

Between reminding myself of the aforementioned things, and guacamole being my new best friend I am hoping sooner rather than later I can again have this life of joy.

Step one…I am heading to brunch!

Happy Sunday 🙂

What do you remember to make it through a struggle?

Advertisements

9 thoughts on “Put It On Repeat

  1. Great ideas for time spent with Ryan! So glad you are able to just enjoy each others company 🙂 Those are the very best of times! Enjoy brunch and the rest of your weekend and please let’s make plans soon! Love ya girl and I love reading happy posts like this that make me smile.

    • Brielle,you so sweet! and I am so glad I got to meet you!! I am looking forward to seeing you soon! hopefully even before Mark Knight! If you ever want to get together, you have much number 😉

  2. I remember the people I love and how I want to be around for them, and how great I felt when I was physically strong.

  3. I could relate a lot to this post. I’ve been struggling with an eating disorder my whole life, and recently I’ve been thinking about how much time I’ve wasted and all the things I have yet to accomplish. Something that I remember through my struggle is that I have so many people around me who love me and want the best for me. Including my new friend, Annie, who had a daughter struggle though an eating disorder and is now fully recovered and she instills so much hope and belief in me. I remember her words of wisdom and my ultimate goal of wanting to live a big, beautiful life without ED.

    • I feel the exact same way, and we both can definitely get there. Sometimes the best things of life come out of the most difficult struggles. Good luck on your journey hun.

  4. hungry runner girls blog is awesome isnt it!!!?? Hang in there girl, it has to get better. (I’m dealing with a slide backwards so I keep telling myself that as well.)

  5. Hey girl! I can totally relate to your post — I would
    Often busy myself with to-dos or just mindlessly surfing the Internet, all to avoid quiet time where I could reflect and potentially discover feelings that I didn’t want to deal with. I think it’s really important to unplug, go for a quiet walk, journal, meditate or whatever. You need to be able to hear YOUR voice (not ED’s) through all the background noise. Don’t see it as just boredom, I really think its important to reconnect with yourself ( and Ryan too!). Great seeing you the other night 🙂

    • It was awesome seeing you!!! Let’s not go so long between visits next time! I’m definitely up for a lunch/dinner fro/yo date anytime! With or without the boys!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s