We Only Have One Life

Healthy Living Summit was awesome last year for so many reasons but mostly because I met some of the most wonderful women in the world.

One of those fabulous females actually lives less than an hour from me and we try to get together as often as we can….even though it not nearly as much as I would like, but this past Tuesday Lauren and I had a date for a casual dinner at Wegmans, a little catch-up session and fro-yo from one of my favorite places in the world, Sweet Frog.

As excited as I was for my beloved fro-yo, I was so thankful to finally get to see my friend.

This might sound weird but the second I met her last year I felt an instant connection, and honestly every time we get together it doesn’t feel like much time has passed since our previous encounter. Those are the signs of a true friendship and I am really grateful to have her in my life.

Anyway, from reading my posts, and because I think she knows me pretty well, she picked up on the fact that I am struggling right now.

Granted I have been doing significantly better the past week or so at keeping up with my exchanges and listening to my body when it screams, “TAKE A NAP,” there is still a tremendous amount of mental turmoil that comes with doing the “right” thing and feeling like my body is expanding at an exponential rate.

So as we started talking and I tried to pretend everything was fine, I finally just thought, who am I kidding?

What do I have to hide right now?! I am a visible disaster.

I feel horrible because I probably monopolized the whole entire evening asking her advice, giving her my sob story, etc. but she made me feel so much better.

“You only have this one life….”

As she said those words and told me of all the things she was currently doing I couldn’t help but feel a bit jealous; not in a bad way, but in a form of motivation because everything she is doing I could only ever dream of if I was healthy.

Unfortunately the reality of staying sick means I will also be stuck.

I will be trapped forever in a place of loneliness, depression, anxiety, fear and essentially adolescence.

As much as I like to believe I can take care of myself, I have proved that that is certainly not the case.

I owe Ryan the world because without him these past three years, I could easily be dead.

That is a sad truth to face, but if we are being honest, an eating disorder is no joke and is extremely life threatening.

I didn’t sit across the table from Lauren worried about the box of food I was eating, or the amount of toppings I selected for my dessert.

I sat across from her thinking, “omg she is right, and time is too precious to waste.”

I am 25 now and I swear the years go faster the older I get.

I would prefer the second half of my twenties to be better than the first; for me and my loved ones, and how that can happen starts with a bite.

Sounds weird, right?

Something as simple and as necessary as food is the initial step into regaining ME, but that is where I have to start.

And I will do it one Clif Mojo at a time, because I only have one life.

Since it is Friday, please tell me what you are doing to celebrate your LIFE today, this weekend, daily?!

We all deserve to be fulfilled, and I am worth every calorie. (Yes, I need to repeat that to myself multiple times to get through the day, but at least for now its working 🙂 )

Happy Weekend!


17 thoughts on “We Only Have One Life

  1. Girl…I love you! I know that you can do this. I know that you want so much better for your life. You’ll get there hun. And I’ll be here to show you how AMAZING it is when you live life with that exact mindset. Let’s definitely get together soon. I’ll shoot you some dates soon. 🙂 Have a fantastic weekend love.

  2. I am so proud that you came to this realization. I mean, I know you knew it all along, but I think having someone really pound those thoughts into you can one day sort of make the lightbulb go off in your head and realize dang I’m only living a half life and not a ful life! Can you imagine being an 80 year old still counting calories and worrying about exercise?! Probably not! Or can you imagine treating the 6 year old little girl you once were by denying her food and not being able to thrive by speaking negatively to her. Sorry if that sounds weird haha, but my therapist always said try looking for your inner child and remembering when you were a kid would you deny her ice cream because she wanted to enjoy it with her friends. You WILL have an amazing future and an amazing life. You can definitely kick ED’s butt. It won’t be easy, but we are all here for you and to help support! I am so happy for you. I’ve decided to put myself out there this weekend and go out to a party with my friends, I’m in my 20’s so why not?! Have a great weekend!xo
    Sorry this was so long!

    • Dont apologize for the comment! I think you are too sweet 🙂 We absolutely can beat this and have an AMAZING life without Ed because you are right….I certainly do not want to be 80 thinking about the calories in the sweet potato I love!

  3. Umm loveeee love love this post CJ! I have though of this notion before, that this is my only life (without getting into deeper religious topics/beliefs haha) and I feel as though I have been wasting it these last few years. For me when this uncomfortable realization occurs, I try and justify it to myself, that at least I am still living and doing “stuff” but in reality, I am constantly hindered and being held back and this is NO LIFE at all. Thinking about what I want my future to look like gives me a serious kick in the ass… even when I am feeling desperately hopeless it can help!
    Great job thinking of this CJ, I am proud of you and reminds me as well!

    • I use the excuse that I am working, functioning and contributing to society as a reason for me to NOT do the right things in recovery, but the truth is I could TOTALLY be having more fun without Ed being a pain in my ass all the time. We definitely need lives better than mere existence!!!

  4. Hi. I’ve been reading your blog and am somewhat similar in that my ED really took hold as an adult. Hear hear on the second half of the 20’s being better! I hope you don’t mind me reading along.

  5. I LOVED reading this post today. It can be so hard to think you are making progress in recovery (and you very well may be) but still hang on to old behaviors and thought patterns. I’m starting to realize too that recovery means radical change…more drastic than I ever could have imagined. And thats TERRIFYING. But I hold on to the hope that facing those fears means that we can stop merely existing in a “functioning anorexic/bulimic” place and maybe really see what it means to live! Thanks for your thoughts my dear…sending lots of love your way 🙂

  6. Awesome post! I love that you were able to open up to her and get out your story. You are awesome, and you are on the right path–as hard as it may be! Here’s to the second half of your twenties!

    I went on a swim today to celebrate life! 🙂

  7. AMAZING post. It’s SO true. I mean, it’s kind of obvious, but most of us perfectionists spend so much time worrying about the details that we miss the obvious, right? Or take it for granted. I relate to things going faster the older you get (not that either of us are that old, lol). But, I’ve noticed that after all these years of relapsing and living in the eating disorder, my body is not being so forgiving anymore…

    Anyway, to answer your question…Today I went to a yoga class and actually listened to my body. My knee was really hurting during one pose, and I allowed myself to come out of it. ED was screaming what a weak, lazy, stupid thing that was…but I blocked that out. My body deserves to be treated nicely. Everyone’s does! Because we not only get this one life, we only get this one body, too. Let’s be nice to it so we have plenty of time to live the life we have!

    • Good for you for listening to your body! It sounds like such a simple thing to do but sometimes it is soooo hard! You are strong and beautiful! always always always remember that!

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