I Just Want To Dance!

I had one of the BEST Saturday nights I have had in a super long time.

Two of Ryan’s friends, and my husband and I, jumped in the car around 7:30 PM and headed to Washington DC to say Gareth Emory at Club Fur. 

I say HIS friends because to this point I had never met them; not because they don’t live in our area or because Ryan doesn’t hang out with them on a pretty normal basis, but because I don’t actually leave the house most weekends. This is something I shamefully regret because it has made me miss out on a lot of fun, and sometimes hurt Ryan’s feelings when everyone else brings their wives along, and I would refuse because my precious schedule could be disrupted.

Have I mentioned I hate you ED?

Anyway, earlier that afternoon we confirmed that we would be attending the show so I hopped on Expedia and tried to find us a hotel.

As many of you tweeted to me (because I apparently live under a rock) DC was pretty ravaged by the storms on Friday, so many places were all booked up or didn’t how power, but fortunately I found us a small, somewhat ghetto room, that did just the trick for us to take a nap before we drove home.

After way too much time in the car, we did a quick change and were at the club in just enough time to avoid the crazy long line.

Oh my gosh…

I have been to some pretty cool places, but none with electricity like this.

The opening DJs were great, the crowd was intense, we were having a fabulous time, and then Gareth Emory killed in until nearly 4 am.

We didn’t get back to our beds until nearly 4:30 and I got about 2 hours of sleep before my body rose and said it was time to get my morning started. <- (Obviously a nap was needed later)  But despite the lack of sleep, the night out and making two new friends was absolutely worth time  in the car and under-eye circles. 

I danced, was totally free, and felt more connected to Ryan than I have been in a while.  We just seemed the smile the entire time.

Recap aside, this evening confirmed in my mind that I want to attend more things like this; particularly a festival coming up in the late summer. 

BUT what these events mean is a lot of dancing, since it is something Ry and I both love, and I just can’t help but want to move when a song like Concrete Angels comes on.

Hours of dance are not typically in the cards for someone in recovery from an eating disorder/exercise addiction because it is considered to be too much physical activity, burning more calories than necessary or whatever else professionals come up with, but it is very much a part of my life I want, not because of the deficit it could potentially create but because I genuinely ENJOY it.

Although this isn’t really anything new, my loved ones feel it is necessary for me to put on a few pounds before we commit to a couple hundred dollars spent on two days of music.

That means me doing something; ACTUALLY DOING SOMETHING for my recovery, considering my gains haven’t been all that significant since we have been home from vacation, to get what I want, which is not only a trip to Ezoo but an actual life.

So I am going to try to think about it this way, because as you all know the number on the scale going up is like my worst nightmare (perhaps this is a bit pathetic to be stating so publically, but I am just trying to be honest)…

Sometimes in life we have to do things we don’t like, or feel like doing, in order to have achieve what we want. 

…You know, the whole life isn’t fair thing your parents probably said to you as a child?  I know my mom certainly did.

This is a pretty obvious realization, but it really only dawned on me this morning when I was dreading a long day of inventory and data entry at work.

I kept thinking how I missed my leisurely summers bartending at the golf course, or as the pool manager of a private facility where I could read books and get a tan.

Those jobs were great, but didn’t make much money and aren’t realistic professions if I want to travel and have some of the luxuries I am lucky enough to have now.

Don’t get me wrong, I like my job, but some days I just don’t feel like waking up and having a super structured routine so I can get out the door and put in my time at the office.

What gets me through those times of negativity, however, is knowing that I am very lucky to have such a good opportunity, nice people to work with, and bring in enough income that we can splurge on occasion.

So today, as I am trying to NOT count calories and agonize over the extra nut butter I wanted on my apple, I am going to think that I NEED the nutrition in order to LIVE, have the amazing family God has blessed me with, and to be an active participant in all the things I do truly LOVE in this world.

Reality check CJ.  You could have much worse problems in life than being prescribed to eat more.

Those are what I am going to remember, because a positive mindset is way more productive than being a pessimistic Pete.


8 thoughts on “I Just Want To Dance!

  1. I really believe that there is no better motivation than feeling like you are holding yourself back from things that YOU genuinely want to do. ED has told you to stay home and to accomplish things on your to-do list, to play it safe … but you need to live!! Keep working hard, girl. The fun opportunities are everywhere, you just need to be able to take advantage of them!

  2. I am so happy that you have found something that you want to work toward. I love dancing, too, and it’s definitely been a major motivator. It’s so weird when my brain finally makes the connection between ED and not being able to do what I want. There’s a really cool 5k happening in August near where I live, and until recently, I was “surviving” and getting by with the bare minimum. Needless to say, my support team wasn’t very happy, but I was still in denial. Then, one day, I tried running just once and was exhausted and I finally realized that if I kept doing what I was doing, there would be NO WAY I could fully participate in the things I want to do. That doesn’t mean I don’t falter or that it’s easy, of course.

    Keep pushing yourself and reconnect with what really makes you feel alive. In the treatment center I was in, they had us make a list of things we wanted out of life (or in our life, or what we wanted to be, or things we wanted to do). They could be as silly or realistic as we wanted. The point was, the assignment got us to dream again and have hope – and that’s one of the biggest steps to recovery.

    Again, really glad to hear that you’re doing it because YOU have something you want, not just because others are telling you to do it. SO COOL.

    • You are absolutely right that sometimes we need to think about all the things lack of nutrition and a tired body prevents us from doing. Running is another one of my goals, which is obviously pretty far in the future but I think running a 5k is an awesome goal for you to have for the fall. I know you can stay on track hun, you totally got this 🙂

  3. Girl, you’ve gotta DANCE!! Stare at that light at the end of the tunnel and run towards it and then DANCE, free and happy and alive. I believe you will get there! Sending love and prayers ❤

  4. next time you are in DC we need to meet up, lady!! also, isnt the power outages here insane?? thankfully only lost mine for 2 days but still know people who are going on day 6 without!

  5. Pingback: Put It On Repeat | Healthy, Happy, Whole

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