My mom came home Monday and Tuesday, which always sends me into a bit of a panic because I want to make the house look presentable to her standards, and for her to look at me, laugh with me and ultimately have the same amazing relationship we had before.
And I want her to actually WANT to be around me other than just watching some DVR or surface conversation that is just getting awkward and forced.
As I have told you before she was my best friend in the world growing up (some may say that is inappropriate and wrong for a mother daughter) but I loved the time we spent together and just miss the old us.
Anyway, things have improved slightly, since this is the first time in my process that we are attending therapy together, and she hears from someone other than myself how difficult and terrifying recovery can be.
On Tuesday was our appointment and although it was an extremely difficult hour, I am hoping her words, in addition to the post discussion in which Ryan was included, will somehow make me be more pro-active in getting to where I need to be.
My mind was really cluttered when we drove out of the parking lot of the counseling center, and neither one of us really said much on the ride home. I was terribly, and I mean TERRIBLY, SHAMEFULLY moody for the rest of the evening, until Ryan got home from his day out and asked me how everything went.
I couldn’t even tell him because it was pretty much all a blur.
I know I cried a lot. Was probably more honest than I have been in a long time (not purposefully, but I seemed to be more open and willing to share the guilt and anguish that plays through my mind relentlessly). And I admitted I don’t really think I can handle this journey alone because I feel like without an eating disorder I will no longer be a person.
Let me explain and this is something I think everyone in recovery tends to find a struggle.
I am the go-to health recipe finder, fitness coach, advice giver, etc.
In my office I am the one who doesn’t eat the donuts or bagels in our lunch room, doesn’t attend outings or participate in anything social that involves food. I am the one with willpower, damnit, and if I start gaining significant amounts of weight everyone is going to think I am a gluttonous, out of control person who is of no use anymore because I obviously don’t abide by my own rules or what society says is healthy.
Let’s just face reality here for a second and establish that I am not the picture of health, so people could think I am a total crock of s*it right now anyway, nor does it make me special because I skipped the really nice lunch our principals bought AND let us leave work early for at a local restaurant.
That is not self-control, that’s being silly and isolated.
Regardless of the rationality I just spoke, I still have the enormous fear of jumping full force into the unknown and making an attempt to discover who I might be post-ED.
Or maybe I am not worried about who I will discover, but how everyone will perceive me?
That is probably a much better way to put it because I have spent my entire life trying to fit into roles that I didn’t necessarily like.
Sometimes I didn’t want to study for hours in college but that’s just what everyone expected; CJ studied on weekends, displayed enormous discipline, and anything less than an A was just unacceptable.
I wasn’t ready to take the first big girl job offer after college, that required hours sitting at a desk and following strict procedures, and was in an area that I didn’t have passion for at all, but it was considered such a great opportunity if I didn’t take it I was irresponsible and foolish!
Sometimes I just wanted to not have such a structure and plan, but since that was the label I had, I took it to an extreme level in pretty much all aspects of my life and look where I am today; now petrified to figure out who the heck I really am.
I LOVE to go new places, see new things, meet new people, and I would LOVE to make someone else get as much enjoyment out of their vacation experience, as I would want on my own.
I would even like to be a travel writer; sharing my opinions, reviews, and again, provide people who don’t necessarily love to take a lot of time and plan their holidays, use my advice to have an AWESOME adventure.
These are the things I wanted for my life, I just never really pursued them because a.) I was scared that field wouldn’t want me or think I was good enough (insecurity of failure, hello!) and b.) people just kind of laughed off my WDW ambitions as a kid-like joke.
I acknowledge that not every person in the universe has their dream job and they just suck it up everyday and go to work, so I should push these things aside and perhaps be a bit more practical, but I am saying that if I can determine what CJ really wants in that area of life, I should be able to figure out others. (And hopefully relinquish being scared and maybe just recover already!?!?!)
This seems to be a much jumbled post and I apologize if it is confusing, but the point is I think sometimes I use being sick to my advantage now; as an excuse to stay where I am, and justify why my life is not much of what I had hoped (except for my amazing husband, of course!)
These are just thoughts, but I am hoping if I can chisel away the pieces that fuel the negative voice in my mind, then maybe I really can get better.
I HAVE to get better, and I WILL, Disney World, or not.