Distortions Other Than With The Body and Food

I felt kind of guilty last night as I was reflecting back on yesterday’s post when I said Ryan was the only person in my life to display unconditional love, because that is not entirely true.

I haven’t really discussed my relationship with my uncle on here, partly because he sometimes reads it and I don’t necessarily know how comfortable he is being talked about in a public journal, but he is someone who is very significant in my life and there has been something weighing on my mind a lot concerning our recent lack of connection.

My mom and biological father (John) did not end up working out and up until I was in my early twenties I had never heard from, met or spoken with the man.

He  and I made personal contact twice and that was about it so obviously that wasn’t meant to be, but it didn’t really matter to me considering I already had two men I looked to as dads; my Poppy and my uncle.

Since my Poppy didn’t really come into my life until I was a teenager, I have to give a lot of my upbringing credit to the second man on that list who I love more than I can say.   

He was kind of like my world because we lived under the same roof for a while and I have bagillion awesome memories of playing games, watching my favorite Disney Afternoon, overall just having a blast, but more importantly of him being my rock during some very difficult times in my life.

We were extremely close for many years and I honestly couldn’t have pictured my life without him.

But lately things have changed.

In fact, in the past year things have been drastically different from the Uncle Dirt and C Mouse J (yes we have corny names for each other) that I so fondly remember, but I know there is a reason.

…it just took Ryan helping bring me back to reality to understand that.

You see after writing yesterday’s post, I discussed with Ryan my appreciation for his patience and presence throughout these amazingly strenuous years and expressed how I felt deserted by almost everyone else in my life.

ED loves to bring up my deep rooted issues of abandonment and how it confirms in my mind that I am completely unworthy as an individual, and so now that it is basically just me and Ryan in this fight, I feel that the rest of my kin have deemed me the loser who will never get better and has given up hope.

Here is the thing:

I don’t really ever ask for help, other than from my poor husband, and I am the master of pushing people away.

Eating disorders and addiction are diseases of isolation.  They absolutely thrive on rituals, habits, and destructive behaviors that are most easily performed without the interruptions of others, and I have engaged in those things for so long it has given the signal to just leave me the hell alone.

…And that is the LAST thing I want sometimes.

Sometimes I just want to be and feel loved, and that can only be achieved by me being open and willing to change.

The distortion that my uncle has abandoned me is just about as ridiculous as my thoughts that my thighs expand at the table.

My family still loves me, they just don’t know how to help and hate watching me hurt myself, and only I can bring them back.

It is all up to me.

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6 thoughts on “Distortions Other Than With The Body and Food

  1. ED or not, I think everyone goes through things or has some kind of addiction, physical, mental or emotional (not to downplay all that you survive and your strength) because I think what you do and how you express it is well spoken, courageous and very well received, I just think your uncle would be proud that you are recognizing what you are doing and feel proud about how you express your relationship. Truly, I don’t know who likes to ask for help, I would sooner struggle my way out. Not something I recommend, you are doing great and I am sure he will appreciate your honesty and sentiment. Keep it up :). I admire what you are doing here.

    • awe thanks Nicole for letting me know I am not alone in my diffiulty asking for help. I hope you can work on that as well, as it seems trying to juggle everything on your own can be quite stressful!!! you are too too sweet 🙂

  2. CJ, I really admire you and you’ve helped me out of countless ED-dominated situations and mentalities. Including right now.

    But based on your vacation pictures, your “healthy bodytype” and my own experiences, I think that if you were evaluated by an ED treatment center, they would put you in an IP program without question.

    A year-plus ago I was in a similar place…. and patting myself on the back for “mostly” recovering from bulimia. My family took one look at my body and life, dragged me home and made me an eval appt. When my dad asked what I thought the outcome would be, I whole-heartedly believed I would qualify for PHP or IOP. Being sent to IP was a slap in the face… my denial was out of control.

    I know you’ve been through that all before, but just take a minute to seriously consider that you might be there now. Regardless, I think you should have had a doctor evaluating you on a weekly basis, to keep things from getting to this point.

    All personal opinions… and I am by no means saying these things from a pedestal… but take care of yourself. We’re about the same age and have HUGE lives ahead of us.

    • thank you so much for sharing your opinions! my family and i discussed more frequent doctor trips today, coincidently and i think that is definitely in my future.

  3. ps… look at how happy and beautiful you look here!

    ttp://cjh002.files.wordpress.com/2010/10/ryan-and-me-wedding.jpg

    you were NOT fat, and a glass of champagne did not add 60lbs to your hips. I know those are kind of the wrong rationalizations to tell an ED-sufferer… but I couldn’t help it ❤

  4. You’re right: it’s up to you to make the change! Although I do believe you NEED people in your life to help you along the way (and it seems Ryan is great with that, helping combat your distorted logic with actual common sense) it’s true that you yourself need to find that fire within you to be determined to change your ways and claim your life back.

    Family is super important to me and it wasn’t until I hit “rock bottom” that I started to worry about what people’s last memories of me would be if I died… and what about if THEY died? I would remember being awkward, selfish, and moody for having to go to dinner? It was scary and sad and although it was also scary to let go of my own control and allow my body and my family to dictate what/when I would eat and essentially give in 100% into recovery, my motivation was right there with me through it all. I started seeing how happier and how much more relieved everyone was getting around me…. I too started having more fun and enjoying letting loose rather than having a strict gym routine and hiding myself away during meal times. Sure I stepped on the scale a few times in secret and cried myself asleep some nights. I felt like my world was spinning a million times faster and I didn’t trust myself or my body and felt like I had leaped into some bottomless lake, except everyone did a great job of reminding me that it wasn’t bottomless. The cravings, the hunger, the weight gain, the sluggishness would all pass if I gave it time enough. And it did.

    I am writing this 35 pounds heavier than I was EXACTLY 1 year ago. While I count calories sometimes and tend to sometimes exercise on days I don’t feel like it, I have been maintaining and eating pretty much whatever I want! I go to brunches, I do random things that aren’t on my “schedule” and am being a ‘normal’ 24 year old. And after all that anguish in the beginning of recovery!

    So I’m sorry I’m a [long] broken record, but CJ, you have to put your entire life in perspective. Think about how fast time flies and how you’ve pushed loved ones away and made your own life so exhausting. You did this yourself, now it’s up to you to reverse it.

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