Cry For Help?

A few weeks ago my good, honest, super helpful, friend Clare suggested I think back to what sparked my motivation for recovery post Healthy Living Summit last year.

Ha, I will again refer to the infamous negative feedback I received following a few pictures that were online, asking how I could possibly claim to be in recovery when I looked so much like death.

The semi-hurtful, but constructive e-mail and comment actually led to me doing the best I ever had during my home-based path to gaining balance and wellness, and perhaps subconsciously that is why I decided to share recent photos of myself on vacation in this very public way.

Let me explain…

It was not my intention yesterday to invoke several remarks about my “ill-appearance,” or “phony-recovery.”

In fact, when I first uploaded our camera I was just excited to briefly relive an amazing trip with my husband and blog about something that is a huge passion in my life; travel.  But many people felt it was necessary to express their concern about my current state, which is fine because anytime I put something on this forum I know it is open to many, and is up to the perception of anyone who chooses to read; everyone is entitled to their opinion and I welcome those things in a respectful way.

All that being said, after reading through the comments (some of which I did not approve yet because I am still sorting out how to take them) and messages, I got to thinking about my faith.

I am a person who whole-heartedly believes God does things for a reason.  I know he has a plan for me and even though sometimes I don’t understand why things occur the way they do, I just have to trust that they are all part of a bigger picture that will eventually make sense.

I would like to think my struggle could potentially help someone else someday, so they don’t have to spend years and precious time fighting something so difficult, but instead could learn from my failures and triumphs.  If that is the ultimate purpose behind me being sick, I would be thrilled that God put me up to the challenge.

But going back to the pictures and expressions made by readers, perhaps the Lord knows I need help right now.

If you want me to be honest, I don’t really look through my gallery and see a frail figure.

The most frustrating thing to my husband is how out of touch I am with reality, my body and what is healthy, which is a large part of why I deny in my mind that there are still any issues, but maybe I need to re-evaluate my way of thinking.

Since we have been home I have had a lot of body-image breakdowns and difficulty accepting that my appetite is so large and wants to consume more than a calorie mark that is way higher than my ED days, but not enough for appropriate repair and weight restoration.  I have trouble grasping that gaining weight could be the answer to eliminating cognitive distortions and the raging beast that my tummy seems to be, because to me, I look absolutely fine.

*Just a little side note: At breakfast this morning I nearly cried in frustration that I just feel so out of control and gluttonous because of having something I thought was too indulgent for 6 a.m. ( <—-Should that be an indication I still live in an ED world?! Probably.)

So maybe I need people in the outside world to be brutally honest with me.

My co-workers would never say anything because a mental illness that manifests physically, makes most people uncomfortable and confused.

My family has dealt with this for years and many have given up saying a word since I have tried and failed countless times.

And it isn’t fair for me to expect Ryan to be my nurse, husband, best friend, support, nutritionist, therapist, reality-checker, etc. because half the time I am in such an irrational mind-set I don’t even believe him when he tells me I am closer to death than life.

Sometimes it is the un-biased, un-solicited, voices of others who are the biggest forces behind my most productive changes, and maybe my vacation photos were my cry for help?  Maybe I need other eyes to make me truly see where I am in the journey?

As I said the other day, ED tends to be deceptive in our gauges of how well we truly are doing in the recovery process, and as with most areas of my life he seems to be my own worst enemy, lying every step of the way.

P.S. I just realized it has been about a year since I started blogging consistently, so thank you all for supporting me.  It has definitely been a road of ups and downs, and ultimately my physical shape proves I still have a long way to go, but I feel like writing has helped me grow, stay on a better path, and keep accountable for all my actions.  I appreciate that you have stuck by me through even the most repetitive and pathetic of posts, because without you, who knows where I would be.

Have a great rest of the weekend!

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9 thoughts on “Cry For Help?

  1. Hello, sweet new friend! As someone who has been there, I can tell you that I know EXACTLY how you feel – hopeless, out-of-control, and frail.It is so hard to fight those demons but, I promise you, once you continue to fight them on a daily basis, it gets harder, gets easier, and then FREEDOM comes! You deserve to feel amazing every day and deserver to be FREE of your ED. I’m always here if you need me, Ceejay. ❤ xoxo

    • awe heather I seriously cannot wait to meet you! maybe I could e-mail you a few questions, or if youd be open to it you could tell me what worked best for you? I read some of your story while I read (stalked) my new roomies blog last night but I would love to know if there was turning point or strategies that really made a difference.
      I cannot wait to meet such an inpsiring lady! have a good rest of your sunday!!!

  2. ❤ ❤ you girl and can't wait to see you. I think it's probably true that you were subconsciously doing the same thing. I look at those pictures and I don't see the same vibrant, inspired, dedicated healthy girl I met last summer. I WANT HER BACK!! Please please please make it a goal to give your 110% until Boston so we can have the best time and you can be on the right track. LOVE YOU

  3. I’ve definitely been there before! I understand how hard it is to feel like your are eating so much and are out of control, but your body is just so hungry from the constant lack of nutrition, so its trying to tell you. It is so hard when we start out, because we have been denying our bodies hunger and fullness for so long. I know you can come out of this place and make a full recovery, you have it in you! You deserve the best life possible, which is a life without your ED! You are such an inspiration just to even be writing about your journey, and you have the strength to overcome this. If you ever want to chat you can feel free to e-mail me whenever. I’ve been through what you are going through.

    • Lisa, you are the best! and you my dear, are an inspiration! I always look at “your journey” page and it helps me get through the day because you are SO SO SO beautiful inside and out. you embody strength and I cannot wait to meet you at HLS! hope you are having a good sunday!

  4. CJ I completely agree that God has a beautiful and perfect plan for your life and that there is a reason you are having to go through this struggle. I do think that it is very possible that He will use you to help others get through similar situation in the future.

    I don’t know if this will be helpful or not but I will just say it in case it is. If you look at some of the beautiful models we have in the US like Heidi Klum, Molly Simms, or the Victoria’s Secret Angels, they are probably twice your size! I know it is bad to compare yourself in the world of ED, but I just thought if you compared your pictures beside someone you consider beautiful, you could see how much much smaller you are. Maybe if you can think in your head that you would have to gain 20+ lbs to be as thin as a model (which is still very thin), it might help gaining weight not be so scary.

    We all just want you to be as beautiful on the outside as your spirit is on the inside! I know that you cannot do this alone but I truly do believe that with God all things are possible!

    • awe Meagan this was such a sweet message and I totally needed it right now. You are corrent when you say HE is my biggest support. Thank you for telling me I am not alone 🙂
      God Bless!!!

  5. God DOES have a reason and a purpose…you have been a source of comfort for me! If only to know that I’m not alone in my struggles and thought-process!

  6. (I’m sharing this because I know you will appreciate the faith aspect, and maybe this is an angle you haven’t thought of yet.)

    First, I truly appreciate you publicly sharing your faith – I think that is courageous (in today’s world) and just plain cool. 🙂
    Second, I also feel strongly that God uses our struggles and triumphs as examples and inspiration for others. That is a noble and positive thing. However, I definitely do NOT believe that God causes those struggles but that Satan does. I believe God uses our triumphs over the crap that Satan throws at us. The evil one is a total jerk, and he uses our weaknesses and negative tendencies (anger issues, low self-esteem, ED habits etc etc etc) to dig at us, drag us down and pull us away from God and our loved ones. He absolutely hates it when we win and stand up to him.

    I know that God has a beautiful purpose in store for you, but in order to share that purpose with others we need to overcome our struggles and not let the lame evil one drag us down. I believe you can overcome these struggles and be a beautiful examples – pray, stay strong, and keep your focus on God and his wonderful plan for you! ❤

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