I Can’t Get No…Satisfaction

Over the past few days I have slowly been catching up on reading all my favorite blogs, and as usual one of Tessa’s (www.amazingasset.com —Sorry my stupid linking button isn’t working!!) posts really struck a cord with me.

In last week’s WIAW she discussed her habit of snacking rather than sitting down for legitimate meals, and although I always make time to prepare, sit and try to enjoy my food as best as I can, I have found that constructing menus at home is very difficult for me.

I have been really struggling with this since we got back from our cruise because onboard everything was neatly provided in a relatively balanced fashion, and I didn’t have the overabundance of munchies I do in my own kitchen.

I have no problem making a dish with all the essential food groups but what I notice is I tend to make my actual meals maybe smaller than they should be because I am always scared I will want something else; like I have so many cravings that cannot be satisfied by say, a chicken, vegetable and baked potato.

I debated whether or not to disclose this because I was so embarrassed about it I nearly cried, and poor Ryan had to listen to it for several hours, as my warped brain just could not get over the shame it felt after this happened, but here goes….

Wednesday I woke up starving at 4 am.

My alarm was going to go off in a few minutes anyway so I got out of bed, went downstairs, had a glass of water and a Vita Top (I always have a pre-treadmill snack since I usually rise with a grumbly tummy).

One Vita Top just wasn’t enough!  I then proceeded to eat another, this time on my way up the stairs to my workout room because I wanted to ensure, regardless of my hunger/fullness, that I was no where near the kitchen that allowed me access to food.

After a few minutes into my walk I felt pretty good; satisfied but annoyed with myself for having double what my “normal” pre-breakfast, breakfast is.

Once I was finished I showered and got ready for work, made myself coffee and had a packet of oats, and all of a sudden a salt/crunch craving emerged.


Ok, I will pack them for morning snack.  Not necessarily the most nutritious thing in the world, but they are pretty freakin’ delicious and I wanted them.

So I portioned out a serving and put them in a Tupperware thinking how good they would taste in a few hours.

But a few hours just wasn’t going to cut it.  I got out a serving to consume with my oats and fruit, and bypassed the nut butter I planned to have with my oats.

Apparently the 21 Popchips I counted and put in a bowl wasn’t satisfactory either because I ate more…

Between breakfast and the a.m. snack, ¾ of the gosh darn bag was empty.

I felt horrible because although Popchips aren’t the worst food in the world, they didn’t provide the essential fats I needed, nor are they the whole foods I am striving eat more of.

I felt so gluttonous and out of control between the multiple Vitas and chips, that although I did ok the rest of the day, I don’t honestly believe I met my entire meal plan because I let those two non-conventional treats terrorize my mind.

Calorically, it wasn’t really THAT different than any other day; maybe about 100 more, which in the grand scheme of things isn’t all that significant, but I was seriously angry with my choices and the fact that I had no self-restraint.

You see, I felt awesome on our trip.  I ate balanced meals, my edema was held to a minimum, I loved every bite, and I didn’t have the immense cravings I seem to be plagued with now.  I might have eaten more calories at the end of the day (I don’t really know because I was trying my best not to count, and there wasn’t a label on anything) but I felt good about what I was putting into my body.

I just want to feel the same way now, and it is completely unrealistic for me to wish life like a cruise ship, but there are people who create good, fulfilling, appropriate meals everyday.  I just seem too scared to give my body a sandwich rather than one deconstructed on a bed of lettuce…

FYI, although I do love salads, sometimes they just aren’t as good as tasty Panini.

But on the bright side, there is always another meal and the opportunity to get back on track. 

Wish me luck and have a super awesome weekend!!


9 thoughts on “I Can’t Get No…Satisfaction

  1. Hi CJ,

    You really should learn not to beat yourself up over something so insignificant. Your body is craving food and you are giving it what it needs – there is absolutely nothing to feel bad about. Extra is ALWAYS better, and the Popchips should have been as well as your normal breakfast, not a substitution for something else.

    I don’t believe you when you say you have no self restraint – you have an extreme amount of self restraint and by the sounds of things, you need LESS of it. Less focus on what is healthy/nutritious and more focus on what your boy wants and needs. You seem to be overly concerned on what people perceive as a healthy balanced diet and to be honest, that’s the least of your worries right now. You need food, lots of it – of any type, regardless of its perceived nutritional value. I appreciate that people may claim that so called ‘healthy’ diets make them feel better – but you have said yourself that sometimes the things you really want are just too tasty to ignore!

    I really hope you can make some strides in recovery, I’ve read your blog for a while and would love to see you get there x

    • you are too sweet! thank you for telling me it is ok to listen to my body. it is so easy for me to forget that since i ignored it for so long!! plus, you are absolutely right that there is nothing wrong with enjoying something so delicious 🙂 PIZZA was my best friend in italy haha

      • You lucky thing! I’ve never got to taste a proper Italian Pizza, it’s on the ‘to do’ list!

        Look after yourself CJ x

      • the first things we bought at the grocery store when we got home were fresh mozzerella, basil, and tomatoes. I will master the homemade dough to try to emulate the italian version but there is nothing like the real thing. Maybe one day we can enjoy one together 😉 Blog trip around the world!!!

      • Sounds like a plan! Good luck with your dough making, you’re a braver lady than me – I’m hopeless in the kitchen!

  2. I agree those label can definitely plague you, and I can easily see how that could be a trigger for that negative ED voice. Have you ever thought about allowing you hubby to do the meal prep – obviously have him use healthy and whole food so you are getting the nutrition you need. But maybe if you were a little more removed from the preparation process (like on the cruise) you would be able to enjoy your meals more? Or to possibly use a food delivery service if hubby’s schedule doesn’t work with yours? Just a thought! Keep fighting the fight girlie.

    • he works 12 hour days and sometimes works night shift so him prepping meals can be difficult with his schedule. when he is home, however, he normally comes to school for lunch and helps me during meal times. our area doesnt have a food service that delivers, unfortunately but we used to do take out from local establishments (so there is no nutrition information published 🙂 ) and that seemed to help. Maybe i will adopt that idea again!
      thanks for the suggestions hun!!!

  3. I understand how scary it is to have your body tell you what it needs, but the reality is that you must listen. That wednesday your body woke you up to tell you it had reached such a caloric deficit it needed fuel NOW. Which means somewhere between monday and tuesday you were restricting, conciously or not. Maybe try recreating the meals you enjoyed on the cruise, or asking your sister/husband to. And dont skip the nut butter! That is the best part! And altho this comment is already very long here is the very honest truth: right now you need to be eating about 8 more vitatops a day. At least. Plus extra servings of popchips. (tho a cliff bar smeared with peanut butter would be a million times more delicious and satisfying!). You CAN do this.

    • you are always so spot on with your words. I wasnt conciously restricting but perhaps i wasnt getting enough because of the mental block that sometimes takes over my decisions.
      you are totally right that nut butter is the best part, and smeared on a clif bar sound fabulous! have you ever put it in the microwave??!?! try it (but not in the wrapper!!) because it is FABULOUS!

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