A Great Debate

Your comments and e-mails yesterday reminded me why I enjoy blogging; because of the community.  The support and camaraderie that comes with social media is often a wonderful wonderful resource when it comes to building relationships and getting help. 

For the most part I have had a tremendous experience in the virtual world, but I was reminded recently of why blogging can sometimes be tricky.

As most of you know Healthy Living Summit is just around the corner.

I went last year and enjoyed my time so much I was absolutely positive I wanted to return, and I still do, but Ryan is extremely hesitant about me obtaining another ticket and booking a room.

It is not that he is trying to prevent me from having fun and seeing the amazing friends I met because of my attendance, but he is worried about what I represent at this current time.

As I have mentioned before, the feedback I received after posting about my trip last August proved that I was not the physical epitome of health.

My body was relatively frail, my hair and skin were extremely dry and brittle and I looked kind of old and hagred rather than a vibrant woman in her early-twenties. 

Similar to my current situation, I felt completely fine and like I was doing extremely well with recovery; enjoying fro-yo and the provided meals at the conference without much difficulty, but I was also not eating near enough to repair the damage I had done to my body and my exercise was a bit excessive compared to what my team was recommending.

All I wanted to do was fit in with all the amazing women that I admired so much from reading their stories on-line, that I failed to realize my individual needs may have been a little different; i.e. you cannot run 6-7 miles a day when you are trying to gain back your health, post-anorexia.

Long story short, I feel very torn at what to do as far as trying to go to HLS.

I learned so much, met fantastic people, made fabulous memories and truly LOVED every single second, but at the same time I feel like I am being a total hypocrite showing up when health doesn’t really describe me at all, mentally or physically.

But maybe I could use it as motivation?

There are still several weeks until Boston and it could provide inspiration to stay on track.

But then that pesky and negative voice enters my mind and says, “You know getting healthy means gaining weight and all the “friends” you think you made are going to judge you for being a lazy, fat, slob.”

Oh how I love the meanness of ED.

Yay for tomorrow being Friday.  I am hoping to get some pictures downloaded and a few trip posts together in the next few days.  Thank you all for asking about our vacation and the encouragement after yesterday’s post.

Have a great rest of the day!!


9 thoughts on “A Great Debate

  1. Oh man, I can definitely to relate to the internal struggle you are going through right now. I decided I am going to HLS, but am incredibly nervous about how I’ll be perceived. I know I need to make changes before I go as well. I am thinking it will serve as motivation, to see everyone living so healthy. At least I’m hoping so! You deserve to make this trip, you definitely deserve to live this life free of the awfulness that is the ED. I hope you decide to come because I would love to meet you! You can e-mail me whenever, and just know there are other people in the same place you are, ie. me. haha. I certainly think since you were able to do it last year, this year should be great for you as well! If you use it as a motivator to go it will do just that. ❤

    • Awe Lisa I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to meet you! It sounds like we have so much in common and that you pretty much know exactly what goes on in my mind. Even if I am not at HLS you are going to have an amazing time. Just remember that your needs might be different than the person sitting next to you, especially now during recovery. Keep at it girl. You totally deserve a better life than one filled with ED! HLS will help teach you that 🙂

  2. I almost feel like this constant focus on “healthy living” is just another piece of the ED puzzle. I don’t boast 100% recovery, and I think proof in it is simply reading up on all these other blogs of people struggling and trying to recover! So maybe it would be best in your favor not to go so you wouldn’t keep surrounding yourself with all this….. healthiness! lol if that makes sense! It’s clear that your personality tends to take healthiness to the extreme so I think a summit like this doesn’t really do you any good…. you might meet some motivational people and have a good time, but… what did it do for you last time? It probably made you feel empowered and like you were doing great in recovery when you really were taking the tiniest baby steps if any. Just my opinion obv, it’s up to you!

    • Thanks Jess! I absolutely agree that I have no concept of moderation and balance, which is exactly what I am trying to work on….gaining a sense of what “normal” looks like, which I am coming to find means some days of “junk food,” complete rest, sweat pants, and other things that didnt exist in my ED life. Thanks for being honest and the advice 🙂

  3. I debated whether or not to comment because I hate saying things that aren’t encouraging or helpful. Please know that I am commenting only to offer a different perspective and not to attack you in any way because I know anorexia nervosa is a devastating disease and very hard to overcome.

    I am not a blogger so I don’t know how a lot of things work, for instance how you get invited to events or how you get badges on the side of your blog. To be 100% honest, I don’t really think you should be allowed to go to a Healthy Living Summit, and I don’t really think you should be allowed to have those badges on your blog either, because they are not representative of your life at this point in time. I guess I feel like perhaps it is an honor to be invited to these things and to have these badges on your blog, and it almost takes away the meaning of these things when they are given to someone who does not accurately fulfill their descriptions.

    I hate saying that you don’t deserve these things, because I know that you already feel like a failure who doesn’t deserve happiness, and my intention is certainly not to kick you when you are down. I just think that these things almost give you a false sense of health, whereas if they had more rules or stipulations they might be a motivational tool. I guess I feel like the badges and the conferences should be rewards for people who truly are healthy and it should be a goal for you to get the invitations and the badges. But since you already have them it doesn’t give you something to work towards. Sort of like the vacation – you were supposed to have gained weight in order to go and you didn’t. So you basically got rewarded for bad behavior which doesn’t seem like it will help you recover. This summit seems like it is another reward when you haven’t done the work needed to deserve it.

    I’m sorry for the harsh words and I hope you know that my comment is coming from a place of love and true desire for you to get better.

    • Oh my gosh I dont think you are being mean at all. I know everything you say comes out of care and concern, not maliciousness. Thank you so much for your feedback. As always I will definitely take it into careful consideration 🙂 I hope all is well with you!

  4. hey girl, i was going to ask you if you were going to the HLS! I would LOVE to meet you! my story/recovery process is the same as yours and ive never read a blog before where i can totally relate to everything you write. i read it every night and it helps so much to know im not alone in my crazy thoughts!! I am nervous about HLS as i just signed up and wont know anyone personally! only all you girls whose blogs i read and love. let me know if youre coming when you decide

    • I am going to HLS!!! and it will definitely be awesome to meet you! you are definitely not alone and I went last year in the same situation but you will be surprised how instantly you click with people because of reading their stories, etc. its like you have known them all your lives 🙂 cant wait to meet you!!!!

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