Where I Am

I have been home since Monday evening but at the time, the thought of writing a post was not at all appealing.

I hope that doesn’t come across the wrong way, but I did a lot of thinking while I was away and I really contemplated taking a long break from writing anything that has to do with recovery, which is essentially what this forum has become for me.

I try to be as honest and up front with my struggles as I can but many of you probably know the path to getting healthy is extremely complicated, and often we convince ourselves that we are making major strides, when really, that is not the case.

ED is a fantastic liar….extremely deceptive in all regards, but for me, he is constantly tricking me into believing I am doing the necessary things to get my life back.

Well, as my husband likes to say, “The proof is in the pudding;” meaning by the time we arrived in Genoa my body weight was not far off from my inpatient hospitalization point and it was pretty obvious to anyone outside my own body or mind.

When we got on board our cruise ship it was a little past 1 PM and we decided to put on our bathing suits and head to the pool deck to grab some lunch and a few seats to soak up the sun.

I put on my Target Bikini that I had just purchased without even trying on, and my husband looked at me in shock.

I didn’t really notice a difference in my physique but he was disappointed, frustrated, sad, etc.

What had happened in the two weeks before we left?  When we were both working crazy hours, he had been away for a few days, and we hadn’t really seen one another, or eaten a meal together…

When he questioned me I didn’t have an answer.

I looked normal.  I was fine.  I was ready to have my first glass of wine in as long as I could remember and I certainly enjoyed the slice of pizza WITH CHEESE I had the night before…couldn’t he see I was doing a marvelous job  at recovering?!

Although he said he was happy we could picnic in the piazza with a street vendor purchased foccacia, and that he was pleased with my appetite at breakfast, those things did not make up for the bones protruding from my hips and chest.

There were several things I promised to do in order to go on this vacation and I hadn’t met a single one of them. 

There are so many things I want to tell you all.  I want to share my triumphs while on holiday.  I want to tell you about the really good times and memories we made, because in all honestly 75% of our trip was WONDERFUL. 

BUT the rest was plagued by rude stares and comments from strangers that made Ryan uncomfortable and sad, struggles from being out of my comfort zone, and conversations about what to do about my continued failure at becoming a weight restored/balanced individual.

For now, I just wanted to explain my absence, and tell you that I continue to be proof of how hard and non-linear this process is, but I am still working.

I am not giving up and neither should you.

I got a few glimpses of what life could be without the burden of an eating disorder disrupting my every thought and moment, but I am hoping those brief bouts of time can turn into days, weeks, months and the majority of my being.

I am hoping to write more later but you deserve better than the same old story.

I hope you all had a great few weeks, and thank you to all those who contributed guest posts.  They were beautifully inspiring 🙂


3 thoughts on “Where I Am

  1. Thanks for the update, CJ. Recovery is so so so hard, and plugging along is all you can do. God Bless & keep us posted!! Xo

  2. Aw sweetie, I am sorry you are having some struggles right now. I’m glad you were able to go on vacation, but sorry about the stares and comments from other people. Recovery is definitely so, so tough. You are doing great with being honest with yourself and even writing this out, hopefully that will make you able to push through these rough moments and kick the ED in the bud. Wishing you the best right now!

  3. My love and prayers are being sent your way. I think if you TRULY want a full life, without an ED, back then you are doing your best. It might not be going as fast as you want, but if you whole-heartedly desire recovery you can’t fault yourself for “not-trying” or not being “good-enough” at recovery.

    I am experiencing something similar.. on vacation in Aruba now… where I think I’m doing great… but my bathing suit and the photos don’t lie. It’s frustrating, but certainly a motivational eye-opener. Hang in there 🙂

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