As far as back as I can remember I was always striving to be perfect. Not the healthy striving to be the best me that I could be but to be perfect. It is as if some part of me felt I have to be perfect in order to be lovable.
This is not a healthy way to live. It leads to too much self doubt and lower self esteem. Why? Because it creates an atmosphere where you are always comparing yourself to others. I’m not as beautiful as so and so. I’m not as smart as so and so. I’m not as fast as so and so. I’m not as lean and thin as so and so. But in all reality, none of this really should have mattered to me. And the sad thing is that I am not just talking about my younger self. Some of these comparisons creep up later in life too and I truly feel these insecurities fueled the competition in running between my husband and myself. And by competition I don’t mean a mutual one. I was creating competition in my mind where one didn’t exist. I was making myself on happy by thinking I wasn’t perfect, good enough, fast enough.
Furthermore, I think it hindered me from trying new things, from taking good risks, just due to the fear of failure and for not being seen as perfect. But fortunately I did have a strong inner voice of reason that would pop up when I truly needed it. One that told me perfection doesn’t really exist…it is all relative.
I have made bad choices. I have eaten strange, restrictive diets and weighed less than is healthy for myself. I have also indulged and weighed more than is healthy for myself. Life is about balance and finding what is best for yourself and when you find it, you will know. Trust your heart.
I can’t say I wake up every day and look in the mirror and always feel happiness about myself. I still have moments of doubt. I still have days I don’t like my thighs. I still find myself comparing myself to others. But through running I am learning to accept and believe in myself more and that is the example I want to set for my daughter.
You can learn more about me and follow my journey at http://lifeasarunningmom.blogspot.com