I can tell I am in vacation mode, and that it was the last day of school yesterday, because my motivation to be productive is starting to wane.
I was riding high after my first fun night out in as long as I can remember and then Sunday came and I could barely keep my eyes open….and I mean ALL day.
I think I could have slept 24 hours straight because even though I was physically awake, my body was barely functioning.
I had no desire to walk on the treadmill, which I did anyway for a measily 20 minutes and then opted for a slow forty minutes outside with my sister. My normal household chores did not get anywhere near my best effort, and all I really wanted to do was take a nap until Thursday when we leave.
I was extremely conflicted by this exhaustion, because the eating disorder part me of me kept screaming “LAZY, LAZY LAZY!!!” and saying that I really did not need to eat much if all I was going to do was rest, but then the other side of my brain just wanted to give in and enjoy the relaxation I needed and the memories of an amazing night with my husband.
I have discussed this before but I have absolutely lost any concept of “normal.”
I am going to be 25 next week, so in theory I am not old and a lot of others I know who are close to my age go to bars, clubs, stay out late and enjoy themselves on weekends; allowing their bodies to rise naturally, maybe work out, maybe not, and I would assume eat properly, so why is this such a difficult idea for me to grasp?
Or is it that I don’t believe I deserve to have that much fun?
Sunday I was accepting of my abnormal state; perhaps even a little happy about it because I felt like I was starting to come back and be the person I used to like, but Monday was a bit more challenging.
I set my alarm for my work day 4:00 am wake up and thought I would be absolutely refreshed since I went to bed early, slept incredibly well for my standards, and had my pre-treadmill snack, but once I got on my walking machine fatigue set in.
*I have to admit something here that is going to make me sound like an absolutely horrible person…
Ryan is way caddying for a friend to qualify for the US Open, and normally, on mornings when he is not home ED sees it as the PERFECT opportunity to go harder or longer than my husband typically prefers. Many times I give into this by doing extra time or higher intensity, but yesterday I just couldn’t.
Even the small (way smaller than usual) part me of who wanted to pick up the pace, literally could not move any faster.
I was nearly sleep-walking because my eyes felt so heavy and the only thing that kept my legs in motion seemed to be the music.
It was the weirdest thing to experience because typically, days without Ryan, and when I know I am going to be in an uncomfortable food environment (like on vacation) really soon, are my perfect opportunity (and sick motivation) to rebel from recovery, but something held me back.
I don’t know if it was all because of being exhausted, the happiness I was still feeling from Philadelphia, or having a renewed desire for freedom after that experience that prevented me from doing the “wrong thing,” but my abstinence is proving to be difficult for me now.
The fear that I won’t ever want to exercise like I used to, that my body is just going to continue to expand, and that I am all of a sudden going to become the most lazy, fat, disgusting person loves to replay in my mind.
Of course this is all pretty irrational, and completely eating disordered, but it doesn’t make the negativity any less real when it runs and runs and runs.
Fortunately I am in a place right now, that I can say a big “f*ck you” to the devil inside but honestly, and you all know, this is not always the case.
Everyday, meal, moment, is a battle and I am happy that right now I feel like I am on the way to a win. I just hope the momentum continues 🙂
Do you believe in rest days?? At this time I feel like that is my biggest struggle…telling my body it needs and should sometimes take a rest. If you had a similar belief, how did you overcome the guilt?