I am really glad you seemed to like Jenni Schaefer’s piece as much as I did.
I typically publish my posts in the morning and I thought it might be a nice way to start the day with a little motivation or inspiration to maintain your paths to health; whether that be eating disorder recovery or otherwise, gentle reminders of how wonderful a well-balanced life can be never hurts 🙂
That being said, I am hoping Jenni’s words remain with me this weekend.
I still struggled the last few days feeling like I don’t DESERVE my meal plan, I NEED to be exercising more to justify the increased calories, etc. but this weekend is going to be especially challenging.
It is my sister’s birthday and in our house, birthdays mean WEEK long celebrations.
And this year my mom and her “new” family are coming to our home for Memorial and “Lindsay-day.”
I am super excited to see everyone, but I am NOT thrilled about picnics or my sister’s requests.
The other afternoon when she and I were taking a walk she mentioned something, but I chose not to take much notice.
She asked a question along the lines of, “you would never eat a piece of cake or “normal” dessert for my birthday.”
I think I neglected to acknowledge the conversation because she was kind of right.
I couldn’t tell you the last time I had a non-diet desert outside a treatment facility.
No birthday, no special occasion, NOT EVEN MY WEDDING, warranted a full-fat, sugary sweet to touch my lips.
In my first hospitalization when they put a piece of apple pie on my tray I basically laughed at my dietician and then proceeded to cry because just the look of it terrified me.
I will happily eat an Apple Cinnamon Chobani, which to me tastes how I would envision and apple pie to taste, but the actual crusty, buttery dessert, no way.
Any starchy-fat combo (i.e. dessert, pizza, etc.) pretty much tops my list of fear foods.
To be honest, I don’t really look at cake or pie and think of it as all that appealing. Most look kind of dry, but icing on top of the cake, cookies, soft serve ice cream, maybe even a warm blondie or something of that nature, do sometimes tempt me.
I know I went through a phase when I was in Hershey’s partial program where every night at dinner, rather than having a supplement like Ensure Plus, I elected the White Chocolate Macadamia Nut cookie that was made in-house and so freakin’ delicious, but I can’t bring myself to purchase one since being discharged.
Sometimes the desire is there, but feeling like I am worthy enough to have one, is not.
I don’t know if it is from years of hearing people have a dessert and then verbally stating how “bad” they were; magazines providing healthy “alternatives” to the “calorie catastrophes” of sweets, or all the Eat This Not That books that make the items I have mentioned above seem so demonic, but I don’t know if I could handle CHOOSING to enjoy a cookie or real ice cream, like a DQ blizzard, on my own.
I mean, if you want to honest to goodness truth, I am still struggling with the extra half Clif Bar I had with my lunch….so desert, wow.
This sounds particularly pathetic considering my sister doesn’t really ask for much, and she made the same request of me, to try a “real” dessert with her for her birthday, AGAIN when we were having a family dinner Wednesday night.
I don’t know where her inquiry came from, considering she hasn’t been really involved in my treatment, nor do we ever talk about me being sick….to be honest it is kind of an unspoken thing in my house outside Ryan and I and my mom’s recent trip with me to therapy, so I was perplexed by Linds bringing it up.
I don’t know if I thought she didn’t care, or what, but I know how much I love her and it hurts my heart that I couldn’t commit to her desire.
I am sad and ashamed to admit that to you my bl-iends, I should absolutely feel horrific telling her.
You would think that’d be enough for me to change.
Why isn’t it that easy?