I feel somewhat dishonest.
My last two posts have been very positive and when I wrote them I whole heartedly meant every word, but there are things I omitted that seem to be really plaguing me and they all have to do with food.
What a perfect time of the week to feel this way considering it is What I Ate Wednesday….ha.
Truth be told, and I know I have said this before; sometimes I am embarrassed to disclose my eats to you all,which is why I don’t often participate in the tradition.
I look at other blogs (hello, CJ, please stop comparing) and see the miniscule servings, or meals consisting of only one small item and no snacks throughout the day, and think how disgusting I must be for consuming all I do in a day.
I still have trouble wrapping my brain around “deserving” 2500 calories a day, and there are days I really do not know if I reach that mark. I prefer not to think about it, and that isn’t a very healthy mindset or approach AT ALL, but this is what I do when the going gets tough….avoid and distract, usually through positivity.
I do believe I am an optimistic person at my core, but a red flag tends to go up when I exert sunshine and rainbows 24/7 because I know in the past that has meant there are things I am masking, and trying to hide.
My discomfort with my body, feeling so lousy and out of control, gluttonous and guilty…those are the things I am reluctant to talk about…those are the things I am mentally trying to ignore myself.
This is a horrible habit to get into because of the secretive nature eating disorders breed. One omission leads to another and then eventually you can be on a train of lies that just wont slow down.
Thankfully I caught myself before it is that bad, but that doesn’t mean my behaviors, attitude and lackadaisical meal plan are ok.
I am actually starting to re-think a lot of what I am doing, now that I caught myself cutting corners.
My hunger is raging again so does that mean I am not consuming enough in one sitting?
I have been telling myself my meals are fine! They have all the essential components, and I am eating WAY WAY WAY more than I ever was in my days of “restriction” so there is absolutely NO reason I should want any more. If I am still hungry afterwards it is because my body hates me, is trying to rebel and make me fat….a punishment for all the abuse I have subjected it to.
Is that completely irrational? Probably, but right now I can’t convince myself of anything other than the aforementioned thought.
The mental tapes that keep playing are, “remember back in college, fall of your senior year, when you were hungry all the time and ate until you were satisfied…well you gained about five pounds so obviously your body doesn’t know what hunger really is! People don’t get fat from eating when they are TRULY hungry….”
This is so frustrating. I had a few good days and now I just feel horrible.
I know in order to make everyone else happy in my life I need to gain weight. I get it. It is a fact I cannot argue, but I am so scared I will be miserable in that body.
I already feel horrid with the Buddha belly that emerged from my caloric increase, how am I going to feel twenty pounds from now?
My friends and bl-iends who have gone through this process successfully are so reassuring; that everything gets BETTER and life is so much more fulfilling in a world NOT consumed by ED, but all I can focus on is the physical discomfort, self-hatred, and out of control feelings.
Thank goodness I have a therapy session today, because obviously I need it.