I feel somewhat dishonest.

My last two posts have been very positive and when I wrote them I whole heartedly meant every word, but there are things I omitted that seem to be really plaguing me and they all have to do with food.

What a perfect time of the week to feel this way considering it is What I Ate Wednesday….ha.

Truth be told, and I know I have said this before; sometimes I am embarrassed to disclose my eats to you all,which is why I don’t often participate in the tradition.

I look at other blogs (hello, CJ, please stop comparing) and see the miniscule servings, or meals consisting of only one small item and no snacks throughout the day, and think how disgusting I must be for consuming all I do in a day.

I still have trouble wrapping my brain around “deserving” 2500 calories a day, and there are days I really do not know if I reach that mark. I prefer not to think about it, and that isn’t a very healthy mindset or approach AT ALL, but this is what I do when the going gets tough….avoid and distract, usually through positivity.

I do believe I am an optimistic person at my core, but a red flag tends to go up when I exert sunshine and rainbows 24/7 because I know in the past that has meant there are things I am masking, and trying to hide.

My discomfort with my body, feeling so lousy and out of control, gluttonous and guilty…those are the things I am reluctant to talk about…those are the things I am mentally trying to ignore myself.

This is a horrible habit to get into because of the secretive nature eating disorders breed. One omission leads to another and then eventually you can be on a train of lies that just wont slow down.

Thankfully I caught myself before it is that bad, but that doesn’t mean my behaviors, attitude and lackadaisical meal plan are ok.

I am actually starting to re-think a lot of what I am doing, now that I caught myself cutting corners.

My hunger is raging again so does that mean I am not consuming enough in one sitting?

I have been telling myself my meals are fine! They have all the essential components, and I am eating WAY WAY WAY more than I ever was in my days of “restriction” so there is absolutely NO reason I should want any more. If I am still hungry afterwards it is because my body hates me, is trying to rebel and make me fat….a punishment for all the abuse I have subjected it to.

Is that completely irrational? Probably, but right now I can’t convince myself of anything other than the aforementioned thought.

The mental tapes that keep playing are, “remember back in college, fall of your senior year, when you were hungry all the time and ate until you were satisfied…well you gained about five pounds so obviously your body doesn’t know what hunger really is! People don’t get fat from eating when they are TRULY hungry….”

This is so frustrating. I had a few good days and now I just feel horrible.

I know in order to make everyone else happy in my life I need to gain weight. I get it. It is a fact I cannot argue, but I am so scared I will be miserable in that body.

I already feel horrid with the Buddha belly that emerged from my caloric increase, how am I going to feel twenty pounds from now?

My friends and bl-iends who have gone through this process successfully are so reassuring; that everything gets BETTER and life is so much more fulfilling in a world NOT consumed by ED, but all I can focus on is the physical discomfort, self-hatred, and out of control feelings.

Thank goodness I have a therapy session today, because obviously I need it.


15 thoughts on “Confession

  1. I understand that you’re worried that you will feel miserable in your body at a higher weight, but can you really say that you’re comfortable in your body now? I think you should set your “control” to meet the calorie goals that are set for you – that way, you can still plan, be methodical, and meet your goals .. but it will be in a healthy way. Hopefully this way you won’t feel “out of control” because you will be working towards your goal in a controlled manner. Does that make sense?

  2. Don’t read those other blogs, if their portion sizes strike you as that small they are either lying or have an ED themselves. Besides, everyone has different food needs and likes!

  3. Oh girl, I totally know where your head is at. And I know you hear this all the time, but it is SO worth it. My life, fun, happiness, relationships, friendships…none of that started until I got healthy. I wasn’t fun to be around, I was anxious, no one wanted to be around me…it is SO much better on the other side, even if your stomach isn’t perfectly flat.

  4. I think I’ve mentioned this to you before, but I basically stopped following EVERY “healthy living blog” (other than Alexandra’s and Hollie’s, because they’re not zomgz perfect HLB!! people at all and I love them both) because I find them far more “triggering” than ED blogs. As in, other ED bloggers and I might say “I fasted” or “I binged and purged”, but we’re fully aware that it’s disordered, and we’re not acting as though our behavior should be striven for or emulated. But then you get HLBs with extremely expensive foods (hello, grad student here), tiny portions, insane limitations (gluten-free sugar-free raw vegan? what’s LEFT?), and often a lot of exercise as well…and they’re professing to be the picture of health. I’d add up HLB calories sometimes, and for DAMN sure the majority of the girls I used to follow weren’t close to scraping 1800 on an “indulge” day, despite being active and claiming to be not-dieting, “naturally slim”, and “healthy”.

    Not saying “omg, all HLBs are anorexic!”, because they’re not. But a lot of them are restrictive and lean toward orthorexic disordered eating, and they’re DEFINITELY not a good model for anyone trying to be okay with eating enough for a real person and not demonizing “unhealthy” foods.

    (And of course, I suspect a lot of them lie about their intake, because many of them would be wasting away if they actually just ate what they photograph.)

    Anyway. Yeah. I have no idea where I was going with any of that, but let’s just say the point was that staying away from blogs you know aren’t a good picture of moderation and non-restrictive eating might be a good idea.

    And that “buddha belly” will go away, I promise. During the times I went through weight gain plans, the first two months were by FAR the worst. I actually outgrew pants I then fit back into a few months later at a heavier weight, because my bloated stomach went away.

    Thinking of you…and sorry for this rambling and nonsensical comment. 😛

    • Thank you for this message! I remember you saying something similar before but I absolutely needed the reminder!!! I think of you often. You gave such a way with words and always state things so clearly. I hope all is well ❤

  5. I questioned recovery after gaining maybe about 5 pounds and thought, holy shmoly I have like 20-25 to go! Well, here I am, recovery has made me 30 pounds heavier, and people think I look great. And you know what? When I properly nourish myself, my brain can actually realize that I look good too! It’s the times when I restrict even the slightest bit that my thoughts tend to go to the wayside and I think I look bad or am out of control or something.

    So keep persevering… block out those thoughts as much as possible. When you get to the point of your most healthiest, you’ll be happier. I know it.

  6. CJ, you know I appreciate your honesty here and in your blog in general…. it’s just so refreshing and you and I have quite a similar approach to our blogs- let it out and tell it the way it is. I read tons of other HLB throughout the day when I get the chance. And while they do each offer something, there are really only a few that feel genuine to me… the others are well, very triggering to me and I only take what they post and write about with a grain of salt. Otherwise I would be pretty miserable and beat myself up all of the time! So please, do your very best not to compare to other blogs out there, ever if you can avoid it!
    I know I have gained about 20 pounds since the beginning of all of this and it really sucked. And now I still have to gain MORE in order really and truly get better. I simply cannot face it, I cannot tolerate how I will look and feel in a body that has even more weight on it then it does now. I sooo get the anxiety and angst you feel here, because it is burdening me as well.
    We both know what we must do, but as-freakin-usual, it’s easier said and heck, even yelled about, then done. I hate this so much sometimes. You know, as i am writing this, I am realizing that perhaps I haven’t been as hoenst as I usually am on my blog… I guess I get worried about people getting sick of me ranting about the same damn thing, but in reality, who cares and more importantly, this is what recovery is about and it’s really damn hard.
    Anyway, sorry to ramble on here… I wish I had something a bit more useful to say other than that I so get it. And I do CJ

    • I feel the same way about your blog. I always visit knowing it will be helpful in some way because you are raw and open about your feelings/struggles. I am sad you have to go through them, but you are a wonderful inspiration to me. If it makes you feel any better I look at your pictures and think you are beautiful. I know you are gorgeous on the inside, but I think you have a sparkle, as corny as that may sound. I dont often comment on people’s appearances, but I wish you could see what the rest of us do; a vibrant, and fabulous female who has so much ahead of her! Keep going girl. I know you can beat this!

  7. Hey CJ! Don’t beat yourself up for showing a happy facade… when you feel that way and have those positive thoughts RELISH them! I know they can sometimes be hard to come by…

    I’m also wondering if you have some advice,,, regarding the Buddah Belly 🙂
    I’m really struggling with my new body. Like you I’m still some 15(?)lbs shy of my “ideal” but my body is so much different in composition than its ever been, since I was always so athletic. I have hugely negative thoughts surrounding this, and I was just wondering if you had any words of wisdom. thanks!

    • Erin, I wish I had better advice to give you, but all I can say is reminding yourself that the “buddha belly” is temporary is the only thing that SOMETIMES helps me combat the negative mind and irrational thoughts. It is so much easier said than done, but a lot of my friends have told me they fit back into smaller clothing a few months after recovery is “complete” because the bloat dissipates. The stomach comes as a reminder that we are malnourished and maybe it can serve as a motivator; physical proof that demonstrates you are still at an unhealthy point, to keep you going if you truly want to be better. PLease let me know if there is anything I can do…I know this advice might not be the best 😦 lots of hugs!!!

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