I have mentioned several times in the last few posts that my schedule is a bit more hectic at work than I am used to…
I guess I should say differently hectic since I haven’t yet participated in the whole graduation and end of the year festivities before from a financial standpoint, but I will say there are A LOT of bills that need to be paid and other monetary transactions that certainly were not present when I was in the classroom.
Some days have been longer than others, I know added stress has made me mentally a little more unavailable than “normal” and in the time I have had free I had outside obligations that were important to complete on a timeline.
This is not a complaint by any means. It has actually helped me realize a few things I find to be pretty important when it comes to my recovery and life in general.
First, even if your calendar is swamped, personal time is essential for sanity.
I used to think it was completely selfish to spend an hour doing my nails, or taking a nap, but the more I think about it, life is too short to neglect yourself.
I tend to have guilt around this subject, especially since I know my eating disorder is pretty selfish and has taken up a lot of my life in the past, but I think there are healthy ways a person can relax, rejuvenate that are not necessarily egotistical, but self-care.
For me, date night with Ryan was very important on Saturday. I knew after having a yard sale in place of doing my typical weekend chores I should probably spend time catching up cleaning and getting ready for my mom to come home, but since Ryan and I hadn’t seen each other much, The Avengers and dinner out seemed like a more IMPORTANT use of time.
Similarly, Sunday = nap!
Over-exhaustion is not good for anyone, so after minimal rest throughout the week and no extra sleep the previous morning, Sunday afternoon I started to crash. All I needed was half an hour, and in the grand scheme of things I think laying down was much more beneficial than wiping down the counter one more time.
As much as I hate to adopt this attitude in other areas of life, sometimes there are things that can just wait until later, even tomorrow, to get done, and bleaching the sink just happened to be one of those things.
The second lessons learned from fewer spare moments is to not feel bad when you can’t make time for EVERYONE.
In fact, I think it is sometimes a GOOD thing to take a step back and separate yourself. (I AM NOT SAYING ISOLATE AT ALL…I AM SIMPLY SUGGESTING REALIZING LIMITATIONS AND TIME CONSTRAINTS….ISOLATION CAN BE VERY TRICKY IN THE ED WORLD AND RECOVERY…)
Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love seeing and being with my family, but before I used to try to include every person into every weekend and that is just not feasible.
It doesn’t mean I care for these individuals any less, it just means time is currently restricted. Not to mention the meeting would probably lack meaning due to my mind being completely distracted thinking of the 8347637 things I need, or should, be doing.
Quality time is always better than the quantity of time.
And just to continue with that idea, sometimes being away from others gives more of an opportunity to reflect on what is truly important.
To be less vague, there are people in my life who I once spent time with because I thought it was the right thing to do…I don’t want to say our engagements were obligatory because I always enjoyed our outings and relationships, but it took us being apart to really analyze the impact our encounters were having on my mental, and the physical states.
As much as I love these people, our relationships were relatively toxic to my progress and as much as I hope some day we can enjoy each other’s company, today is just not the right time.
I don’t have room for negativity in my life; trust me, ED more than makes up for any ability I have in sifting that out, so by taking some time away, I am ultimately helping myself. And maybe that sounds selfish, but I think it will make me a better person.
Like I said yesterday, I worried that being busy could have been incredibly distracting to my recovery, but I think it could be just the opposite. It is helping me reflect on my priorities, learn my like’s and dislikes, and providing me a sense of “normalcy” I never had sitting around in a treatment facility worrying 24/7 about ED. I finally feel like I am on my way to becoming whole, and even though I acknowledge I have an extremely long way to go, the baby steps also mentioned here, seem to be a good start 🙂
Have a great tuesday!