Bli-end Hope

I have a “bl-iend” who has been very helpful to me during this recovery process. We actually “met” because of a response she left to a post after HLS.

*Jess, I apologize because I know I have discussed that particular comment several times, but I promise this post is absolutely positive 🙂

Her words were really cutting, but not necessarily because of the content…

They were so hurtful because they made me realize what a low place I was in, even though I said everything was absolutely fine.

I was obviously looking through the eyes of my internal monster and living in denial because inside I was a mess, and I was letting my ED voice get louder and louder everyday; I just didn’t want to admit it.

Since then Jess and I wrote a few e-mails and she often comments on my entries, sharing her personal journey, which seems to always provide me, as well as many others, a lot of hope.

Her progress and story are truly inspiring and the one thing she repeatedly assures me is, although making non-ED choices sucks, it does get easier, and life ABSOLUTELY gets better.

She is one hundred percent right when she says doing the “right” thing sucks, because trying to get healthy is some of the hardest work I have ever done.

Physically I am exhausted. There is a constant mental and emotional battle that plays in my head, and often, because I am still relatively malnourished, my brain is not rational enough to fight back.

BUT…

If you can somehow find the strength and desire to push harder and make a recovery-focused selection, it is easier to make that same selection the next day.

Let me give you an example.

One of my biggest struggles in recovery is abstaining from strenuous exercise.

I have always loved activity, and participated in a variety of sports, which was all well and good when my body was at a “healthier” weight, but now I have certain restrictions that prohibit me from engaging in things I used to enjoy.

In the past Ryan didn’t have to worry about my heart, or dehydration, or any of the million medical issues that come from abusing your body, but now we have had to eliminate a ton of our hobbies.

But despite the significant decrease in the amount of exercise I was doing, I still have a daily treadmill routine that must be completed in order for me to start my day.

This weekend I had a migraine that would NOT go away. I fell asleep Friday night just hoping it would let up by morning but when I woke up at 3:00 am starving and head still throbbing, I went downstairs, took some Aleve and thought, “perhaps I did not eat enough yesterday and my body is trying to tell me that…hence the middle of the night appetite.”

Because I am truly trying to make better decisions I prepared myself a snack.

Snack turned into breakfast….

Calorically it turned into more than breakfast and then I not only felt horrible because of my headache, but also because I felt like I totally lost control.

My first instinct was, treadmill!

Ryan wasn’t home because he was working overnight so I could easily do more than my allotted time and he would never ever know.

I started to walk and push up the incline….

Oh my gosh I could barely keep my eyes open my head was pounding so badly.

For me, the only thing that ever alleviates a migraine is sleep, so after a minute I stepped off the belt and went back to bed; stomach full and guilt-ridden.

A few hours later I woke up to a beautiful blue sky and a shining sun. I was starting to feel a little better so I did my morning chores, cleaned up the kitchen and let the dogs outside.

The sun and breeze felt SO wonderful.

I laced up my sneaks and decided to do some work outside and then had the brilliant idea of taking a walk around the neighborhood rather than relying on a machine.

No Garmin, no speed or distance goals, just me, David Guetta and much-needed sunglasses.

I strongly debated doing the treadmill in addition to my time on the pavement, but by the grace of God, I refrained.

The next day a similar weather pattern was forecast and I knew my mom would be home so I also saved my “workout” to be a time to catch up and enjoy the warmth with her. We didn’t count laps, we just chatted and enjoyed being together.

Again, the negative feelings were there, but between my family and getting ready for the upcoming week, I seemed to survive 😉

The point is, I enjoyed my more leisurely unstructured time outside so much, it made it easier to make the same, smart, decision again.

Do I think that will always be the case? That I will be able to be completely free, walking in the wind sans measuring device?

In a perfect world maybe, but at least now I know I have the ability to do so; be stronger than ED and do something CJ likes rather than what the meanie inside dictates her to do.

Confidence is a wonderful thing and just maybe I am gaining that, instead of just weight.

Wouldn’t that be awesome?!