I Think We All Need A Break

I have decided to keep this short and sweet because, really, I need a break from myself. I am bored, and I can imagine you have to be too.

It is seriously the same thing day in and day out…

“I am scared of this food, definitely not ready for that yet!…”

“I couldn’t possibly eat more than x amount of calories because even though I know I need to gain I don’t want it to go too fast….”

“I don’t want people to make comments about my body…”

“I need to exercise every morning or else I can’t function…”

Although each of the above statements is one hundred percent true, they are also one hundred percent annoying.

I told you last week I am sick and tired of being sick and tired, but that lasts for about three seconds until it is time for me to do the “right” thing and I just “can’t.” Or if I am active in recovery based behaviors, then I have trouble focusing on other things because the stress is too great.

It is getting a bit ridiculous and I feel horrible that you all have to read about it constantly.

I hope I demonstrate to you what a horrific monster eating disorders honestly are because I know there are some of you out there who are just like me…consumed and destroyed by the relentless negativity and internal war that just won’t quit.

I know I am not alone and that absolutely breaks my heart. No one deserves a life of torment and I am hoping I can someday rid myself of the horrific cycle that seems to continue.

So, I will be back tomorrow with a post, but Thursday and Friday I have lined up two special entries from contributing authors who don’t necessarily focus on eating disorders, but more on self-discovery, expression and self-worth.

I hope you all can benefit from their words as much as I did.

Have a wonderful, happy and healthy day!


15 thoughts on “I Think We All Need A Break

  1. Enjoy your mental break from this CJ… I know the times I have done this have really helped me out, and I am sure they will for you too! I am looking forward to those guest posts too, they sound great!

  2. I totally understand it, have been there/done that… Yes, I can see that you need a break – so why don’t you give yourself one? One day a week, or one hour a day, or one (or a few) hours on a certain days when you can have a break. Now, I assume you are constantly focusing on recovery: going to therapy, trying to follow all sorts of activities they suggest or you find that is (will be/could be) useful for you, be that journaling or whatnot, making sure that you don’t overexercise, eat enough, introduce new food, self-love, whatever else, making CONTINUOUS efforts not to fall back and make steps forward… It is a very very difficult, emotional, stressful process. And then the negative thoughts come in and you obsess that you exercised too much, it is too many calories or that you are not ready for a food…then of course you fight back and obsess that you shouldn’t fear calories, should make steps forward etcetc. Give yourself a break!!! And during that certain hour or day or whatever you pick, during your break: all is allowed. If you have negative thoughts during that, it is OK not to fight back, it is really OK to feel anything even if it comes from ED not from the strong-ED-recovery, anything you think/feel, just move on and don’t obsess on it, don’t analyze it, don’t fight it… Once the hour break is over, sure go back to strong recovery self, but it nice to give a break to yourself. And things get easier. You came a long way already!! I honestly cannot pinpoint the day I stopped counting calories, jumping (or wanting to) jump on the scale or fearing to have dinner out in public with my boyfriend…it just gradually got easier and all of a sudden I realized that for months I haven’t been doing that or haven’t been obsessing, haven’t had to be fighting back, I was just gradually normal. Will it ever totally go away? I don’t think it 100% will. For example right now I am trying to change my diet, transition to veganism , more organic, lots of raw, much less sugar, hoping it will help with my chronic headaches – it is not for weight or anything ED related, I just want my headaches gone, but the little voice is in the back of my mind ‘not to fall back into ED during this process’. Or my aunt, she was already recovered for at least 20 if not 25 years when she was dieting after her third pregnancy, and she told me, though in ‘normal life’ she is completely free from ED thoughts and behavior, she still has to be conscious that she wouldn’t fall back…. … So anyways, the break from your internal war will come! Give yourself an hour break a few times a week when all negative (and positive) thoughts are allowed without analysis, judgement, and fight back! Eventually you will get to a point when this hour ‘break’ will be filled mostly with positivity without even trying, the ED monster will leave, patience, it is a process… Good luck! Take care, dear!

  3. Totally feel you! Sometimes I get so tired of alwaysss thinking about food/weight/exercise, it is exhausting and gets in the way of living a normal life. I think its a good ting to be exhausted with this thinking, maybe it will be easier to make a change? Wishing you the best!

  4. Oh man, I hear this one! This is literally all I could say for about half of my therapy session yesterday. A HUGE part of me just wants to “quit” …but in the good way. But I can’t exactly decipher whether “quitting” equates to loosening my rigid meal plan and rules (good) or if it means retreating to restriction/overexercising (obviously, the bad). So for now, I’m plodding through that middle-ground half-recovered wasteland.

    Seriously though, I’ve heard lots of people talk about how being “sick of it” was their final kick in the butt… but how do you know you’re not sick and tired of recovery struggles? I guess I’m saying I want to leave pseudo-recovered territory, but I don’t know if i’ll pop out on the right side.

    • I completely understand how much of a paradox this is! and sometimes with our minds it is difficult to decipher who is doing the thinking….if you know what I mean. Wishing you luck hun. I am here if you need anything!

  5. This is exactly what I said when I made the decision to start recovery… and I think it’s a very strong way to motivate yourself to say “screw you” to your ED! :]

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