New Eyes Needed

I started my weekend with a doctor’s appointment, not because I wanted to go but because my mom insisted I be seen to follow-up on my most recent blood work, and to ensure it is safe for me to travel 10 hours on a plane and spend 7 days at sea in approximately a month.

I have been really lucky thus far not to have any major health issues (outside of the obvious) but every day spent underweight, and as I get a little older, my body doesn’t take the abuse as well.  Anytime I am anticipating a trip, especially one outside the country, my mom gets a little panicky that something could happen and she might not be able to be there.

In all honesty, she lives three hours away and I could get in a car accident tomorrow (knock on wood!) so essentially she couldn’t save me in that situation either, but there is an increased risk when it comes to travel and she is completely uncomfortable with the idea.

Apparently so is Ryan, because on Saturday morning I input all our information, finalized excursion plans and made the last payment to pull everything together.  As I chit-chatted away about how awesome this was going to be he showed very minimal enthusiasm.

I am thrilled and counting down the days until we leave, and he is petrified.

He had threatened to cancel our vacation a few months ago, when my relapse began and my weight started to drop.  Only if I could put on a few pounds to get out of the “danger zone” would he be ok with us going.

The poor man has been on numerous vacations in the past few years where I have had freak outs about food and the lack of proper gym equipment in Europe (yup that is what everyone should worry about while in Spain) we have had to modify plans because of meal situations, and people have made really hurtful comments as I walked by in summertime attire.

Last year I even won a raffle for a free week of boot camp at the fitness center.  “Burn 600 calories an hour!” the trainer boasted as he called out the coveted prize…and then my name was read and my husband just about had a heart attack.

Of all the things I could have won…free massage…pedicure….makeover…even yoga…I was awarded a high intensity exercise class.

As I walked up to claim my certificate a lady close by loudly stated, “Sure give it to the anorexic girl who doesn’t need it, while the rest of us eat at the buffet.”  People around us laughed and Ryan nearly cried.

I returned the pass for Boot Camp and asked them to give it to someone else, and when the obnoxious lady realized how insensitive her statement was, and that the man standing next to her was my other half, she profusely apologized saying she once knew someone with this disorder and how hard it was for that person to overcome.

Too little too late woman…please just walk away.

Every time I saw her that week she smiled and sheepishly waved.  I kind of wanted to throw her overboard.

In my mind I don’t consider the worry others might feel by my appearance or actions.  I don’t see myself the way I am perceived, and when I need my “fix,” I certainly do not think about the emotions of others because I am too consumed by my needs to feel comfortable, that no one else really matters.

I hate to admit those things, but they are true.

I really thought I could fly under the radar, giving some effort into gaining weight and Ryan would be just as happy to be spending 10 days away with me, as I am with him.

Unfortunately not, because there is no such thing as sort-of recovery.

I am starting to believe black and white thinking is only good when applied to getting healthy.

You are either sick, or engaging in full-blown recovery, because anything in between is ED wearing a mask, ready to come out at any moment; like a tease…you have some free moments where you feel great, and the next you want to crawl out of your skin for making waffles for breakfast.

My body hurts, my mind hurts and my heart hurts, because today I feel kind of hopeless.  Or maybe helpless is a better word because some days I believe there is a problem that needs to be fixed and damnit I will do anything I can to change!

…as long as it is by my rules…

And other days I am totally fine! The picture of being well There is nothing wrong with the way I am.  I have changed already and life right now is just what it is supposed to be.

…is that a delusion or what?!…

I really do hate that I am so selfish, but I really don’t even know where to begin.

I think I do and then I fail.

Time, after time, after time….

Please, can I borrow someone else’s eyes….or as a friend put it even better…someone else’s brain?

I am in desperate need of a little reality check.


5 thoughts on “New Eyes Needed

  1. Awe :(. You have so much courage and so much strength to continue to share everything. I am always touched by the pure heart and emotion that comes out with each post. CJ you will get there! And as for that lady, if she knew someone who had the same issue, why even let something like that leave her lips! I applaud you, your strength and your husband and certainly the bond you share. 🙂 keep going girl, you have always been one of the sweetest people that I ever knew.

    • Thank you so much for saying all those nice things. You too are such a sweet heart and I admire your motherhood and strength! You will never know how much I appreciate your support! Every little bit helps! ❤

  2. While I’ve been known to leave harsh “reality checks” in the past, I’m definitely not going to do that again because I realize after reflecting that there are so many other ways to get a point across! 😉

    You said something that stuck out for me because it was something that I actually used during the initial stages of my recovery that I think helped in getting me farther than I ever expected in recovery: black and white mentality. When I realized how my life had gone to sh*t — I didn’t care if I lived or died, I had no real friendships because I isolated so much, I lacked energy because the tiny amount I had I would use up in a tough workout session in the morning, and my life revolved not around career goals or any sort of happiness, but around FOOD and CALORIES. How to avoid them, how to burn them, when to eat them, what to do if X comes up or Y happens, blah blah blah… you know the spiel. It was exhausting and I realized that I had NOTHING to show for that lifestyle besides being a walking skeleton that I was frankly embarrassed of.

    When I started recovery, I was denied any form of exercise and ate whenever I was hungry (which for a while, was almost all the time!). I knew I was going to gain weight, but I made up my mind that I wasn’t going to think about it and I was going to care because if that’s the goal here then by gosh, I’m going to reach that goal. I was actually pretty excited to be eating whatever I wanted! lol. And it almost felt like a vacation… because I eliminated so much stress from my life just by ACCEPTING the fact that I needed to gain weight. And I was judging it not by a number on the scale, but how my clothes felt. In a couple months, they were noticeably more snug, and sure I had little freak outs, but I channeled my thoughts towards the positive: I have more energy! Life is more fun when you’re not hungry! I actually have time to read and do stuff I didn’t have time for before because I was always at the gym!

    So… while I cannot tell you HOW to suddenly switch your brain to allow recovery to happen like it did for me (surprisingly easy at first, but more difficult the last few months), I can at least ask you to TRULY assess your situation to make the realizations of the positives for yourself. It took a lot of thinking for me as well, and then the actions just sort of came with it…

  3. Recovery certainly isn’t easy-try to look towards the future and think about how incredible freedom from ED will be. you’re an incredible person, remember that!

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