For once I feel like this work week is absolutely flying by. When I moved into a business position in my school, rather than in the classroom, it was really hard for me to get used to the lack of interaction with students (which is what I loved) and the monotony of computer work, numbers and bank statements.
To be honest there were days where I just felt like I had no clue what I was doing, or if I made the right decision, and that made it hard for me to enjoy my new job.
Of course I am working on the whole perfectionism attitude, and I know that a person doesn’t just automatically enter an unfamiliar role and assume all the responsibilities without making mistakes, but it was a major adjustment for me, and I think that hurt my recovery process.
But being extremely busy and starting to feel a little more comfortable with my duties is definitely making the weeks more bearable.
I think it also passed speedily because Ryan and I have been rushing in various directions at night. He took some extra shifts at work so we can have a little more fun on our cruise and I have been going to numerous appointments, working really hard on therapy and other aspects of getting well that I just can’t do on my own.
Let me pause here.
Do you know how difficult it is for me to say, “I CANNOT DO THIS ON MY OWN.”?
That is like a milestone because I detest asking for help.
I used to believe it showed weakness, made people think I was a loser, failure, unsuccessful, etc. but Tuesday night, as I was lying in bed after a very productive session with my counselor, I started to think…
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure this out, but my past practices are obviously pretty flawed, as I have not handled my “do it all yourself” attitude very effectively. (<—-Insert unhealthy coping mechanisms here.)
And as I was telling my therapist about the fact that I can rationally see serious consequences are now occurring because of my behaviors, I still have immense reluctance to change my ways. There is a very large part of me that feels this is just who I am and I have to learn to live with like this without dyeing. I think I worded it, “I accept that I will just be sick forever.”
(Please gosh I hope not!)
There are so many things wrong with the above paragraph, but Doc had some new ways for me to interpret this.
He proposed I may be right…I may always have to deal with negative thoughts.
Everyone has them. No one loves everything about themselves every single day, but it is the way I handle the self-criticism that is my downfall.
Just like everything else in the world, I take the internal hatred to a crazy extreme…
I take these negative thoughts and double them because I beat myself up saying “you are doing it again…you can’t stop the negative thoughts…you suck at recovery….health will never ever happen for you…”
So essentially I stress twice; once with the initial horrible comment toward myself, and twice, because I then scold myself for being a failure at recovery…leading to a never-ending cycle of internal brutality. And then I punish ME, by abusing my body, because I feel like I don’t deserve any better.
Like I said, this is not really a new concept, but there were some other aspects of our appointment that kind of opened my eyes.
My past therapists did not agree with recovery for other people, but I believe that is where I have to start, or that is where I am.
I still have a hard time agreeing about my capabilities of living a better life…like I said before; I am not convinced I deserve it, but Ryan does. Ryan deserves way better than this.
I am glad my appointment was Tuesday, and that I had a night alone to reflect (Ryan was working) because while I was saying my prayers I asked God to help the rest of our marriage be better than the past.
(Believe it or not, even asking the Lord for help or forgiveness was a challenge for me at certain points.)
But the next day (Wednesday) was our three year wedding anniversary and looking back, considering the fact that I haven’t been home for a significant chunk of it and I certainly haven’t been present or fun, I am in deperate need of an intervention.
…which is why I scheduled more therapy and am seeking aid from above.
We don’t normally give one another gifts because we chose to spend our money and travel together, like our weekend in Charlottesville and upcoming week on the high seas, but the biggest present I could ever give him is his wife back, recovery, and an actual LIFE.
I know it seems as if I go round and round, and in all honesty, some days I think I do because my mind is so jumbled, confused and packed with things it is really hard to sort out, but two things happened that were a little different for me that may be a good sign I am moving in the right direction.
- I cried…
…a good hard cry alone, but I felt so much better afterwards…like I relinquished some guilt about the past three years of me being incredibly selfish.
2. I abstained from a behavior Wednesday morning and broke some of my routine.
I am being relatively vague here because it is not something I want to go into great detail about right at this current moment, but the reason I fought hard against Ed was because I remembered the significance of the day….It wasn’t just about ME.
I apologize if this was un-clear and cluttered, but like I said, my mind is pretty much everywhere right now.
It may not be super fun for you to read but after writing it out, I also feel a little better, so thank you, as always for listening. Blogging really has been a signficant help to my progress 🙂