Changing a Negative To A Positive

I have definitely whined about my exhaustion before, and I am sure you are all totally sick of reading about it, but today I have to commend those who go full force into recovery; especially those who jump in with both feet while working, taking care of their families, etc.

I don’t know if it’s the wrap up of the school year and the additional tasks that are popping up because of that, stress outside of my job, the low I sometimes experience when I come home after a nice long weekend away? I can’t really pin-point exactly WHY, but I am in a major funk.

I am normally a people-person and the aspect of my occupation that I like the most is the interaction with my fellow employees and the students.

Sometimes I will even just venture out into the halls to make package deliveries so I can see something other than the four walls of my office and a computer screen, but Monday I shut my door and basically growled at anyone that came within five feet of me.

I was so moody and that is absolutely not like me. I even responded to one of my favorite secretaries, when she asked how Ryan and my trip went, that it “sucks to be home.” She looked at me, almost shocked, and I was totally embarrassed at how rude I was, but even an apology didn’t seem like it made up for my brash remark.

Not that this is an excuse but I think I am just ridiculously fatigued.

I don’t sleep well. I wake up at 4 am without my alarm clock. I feel worthless when I am not productive after school because I am so sleepy, and I am constantly angry about something; whether it be actually following my meal plan in a recovery-based way, because then, of course, I am out of control and fat, or when I skimp on a few things here and there/spend a few extra minutes on the treadmill because then Ryan gets mad and takes away things I enjoy.

You guys know this already, but in my mind, in any ED mind, no one ever wins.

Well Wednesday morning I about had it.

I shot out of bed at 3:30 am like a canon, eyes wide awake and stomach already starting to grumble , and since my alarm was going to go off soon anyway some portion of my brain thought it would be a good idea to just start my day.

At about 4:30 I started to crash, but knew I had an entire day at school, plus a doctor appointment 45 minutes away right after, and wouldn’t be home until past 6:00 PM. I was dreading the length and monotony of entering budget figures into charts for more than eight hours, but what other choice did I have?

Then, I ate more than my ED voice thought was necessary, at pretty much all my meals, and just felt like complete shit.

I know that recovery isn’t supposed to be easy, nor did anyone give me the illusion that it was going to be stars and rainbows, but I am just sick of it.

It is weeks like this that just make me want to go back to running many miles and follow a smaller menu plan, because at least my mind will be a little more quiet on days like Wednesday where my eyes could barely stay open and I was too consumed by negative self-talk from my food intake.

A part of me would just like to focus on getting well, stay cooped up in my house until I could be more normal in the real world, but for now I am a full-time business manager, wife, sister, try-to-be-good friend, and on the journey to get well, which is leaving me totally exhausted and freakin’ miserable.

I really need a little PTG in my life today, and the focus on the many blessings God has given me, but sometimes that is so much easier said than done.

Fake it ‘till you make it, CJ. Sometimes that is exactly what you have to do to get through the down times in order to finally reach the top, which from what I keep hearing, is a pretty amazing view 🙂

Edited WAY later in the night:

Ok, I realize I was a total debbie downer just a few sentences ago, and to be honest, I think that is ok because everyone has good and bad days…heck, good and bad moments! BUT I just got home from a much-needed appointment with my dietician and she was an amazing help in shifting my mood.

I have to give the woman credit…she is fabulous at helping reframe, even if she doesn’t know she is doing it.

Instead of dwelling on how mad I am I can’t run, and how uncomfortable and “ugly” my ridiculously swollen legs STILL are….

I am going to focus on the fact that I am EXTREMELY appreciative that I have the use of my limbs, can walk freely and still have the ability to be more active in the future…no pun intended, the ball is totally in my court!

Instead of being pissed off that I am so freakin’ hungry I feel out of control and fat…

I am going to look at it as if my metabolism is becoming repaired and it makes following a meal plan much easier when you are not physically stuffed to the gills! Bring on the snacks!

Instead of ruminating on how tired I am…

Perhaps I should take advantage of this weekend, which is projected to be rainy and cold 😦 to keep my schedule open, relax on the couch with Ryan, catching up on the DVR and snuggling close.

Yup, those few things make me feel so much better than the unhappy words I wrote earlier.

Do you find it helpful to reframe?! I would love to hear YOUR positive thought of the day!!! 🙂

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17 thoughts on “Changing a Negative To A Positive

  1. Reframing is one of the skills that really helped transform my way of thinking. For me, the skill ‘acceptance’ was difficult to embrace when i was at your stage. It just didn’t make sense to me and felt like I was cringing at every moment. However, reframing gave me this powerful function to my mind. Honestly, it proved to me that my mind was working again. I think as we see physical changes we forget how much recovering our whole insides are doing. I couldn’t believe how much my better my mind worked when it was nourished. That was my huge reality check, the fact that while I thought I was only killing these physical parts of me I didn’t realize the damage it was doing to my learning, my personality and my relationships.

  2. Ugh I feel your pain! I have been in SUCH a funk lately and can’t seem to get over it. I dont like my job anymore (which I used to LOVE), but don’t necessarily want to leave, I’m always exhausted and crash at like 7:00pm and feel like such a bum in the mornings when I wake up and realize I got zero chores done the night before. I still make it to the gym before work but my workouts are blah. Poor Josh even started calling me Negative Nancy lol. I’m hoping the return of the sunshine will help me out a bit!!
    Also, don’t feel bad about your peanut butter hoarding. We have 4 jars in the house at all times. Two for me (plain and sunbutter), one for Josh, and one for Champ our crazy pitbull : )

    • I am so sorry to hear you dont love your job anymore! sometimes i think the stress of being unhappy causes sheer exhaustion and just trickles down into everything else in life! i hope the sun comes out soon because perhaps we are in both need of some bright shiny rays!!!!
      what kind of sunbutter do you get?? i LOVE the trader joes brand but I couldnt get into the other one i tried. the peanut pretzel type i have now is seriously addicting…the jar wont last long with the sweet and salty cravings my husband and i tend to have haha

      • The stuff i get is just called “sunbutter” The label is blue with a sunflower on it and I get it at Giant. So good!!!

  3. I always found that when I was fighting the ed (ie following my meal plan, not over exercising, etc.), I became very irritable, everything seemed to upset me and I just felt miserable. So, I really connected with this post. It made it very hard to keep fighting ed because I knew that I would feel better (emotionally) if I just went back to it. Keep fighting CJ! It will get better and better. Ed just is trying everything to get you to stay stuck with it. Fight it!

  4. Great job reframing everything and looking at it all with a positive mindset! I can’t wait to read more about your journey, I’m glad you’re sticking to recovery and I know you’ll come out on top!

  5. I’ve never struggled with an ED, but your experience reminded me of a time I wanted to lose a few pounds, and so I restricted my calories too low. I wasn’t eating the right things, and wasn’t getting enough nutrients. I was irritable all the time, felt tired and lethargic, and I didn’t realize that was the reason until I became better nourished again. Not only better nourished, but also less focused on WHAT and HOW MUCH I was eating ALL. THE. TIME. So, that part I can understand…even if you are eating “enough” to be “nourished,” your brain is tired of thinking about it all the time. That is terribly exhausting and such a burden! It may seem like going back to the ED would help, but then you wouldn’t be nourished anymore, so worse off…The only way to be free is to keep fighting and get free of the disease taking over your life. Keep being a fighter!!

    • thanks hun!! thank you so much for beinh open and sharing your experience. I do agree on days when I actually listen to my body and eat, things seem so much better!!!! i just have to remember that any time I want to revert back to old habits!

  6. CJ PLEASE use this as motivation to fuel yourself properly so that you can handle all of these blessings that make up a busy life. I say blessings because I am unemployed and disabled and also have an ED. I want more than anything to have a job and be able to do all those things!

  7. Its so funny — I literally was just writing about getting out of my funk — I too have been in one but in a semi different way. But it has the same effects on me and the people I love .I feel shitty. They don’t see me smile as often. I’m not as nice to them…and on and on and on…

    Gotta break the cycle. I just had to reprioritize what I was doing and thinking….but for everyone, there’s a solution that works for them.

    Hang in there – you’re funk will end!

  8. Pingback: Out Of The Funk Friday « Healthy, Happy, Whole

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