I have definitely whined about my exhaustion before, and I am sure you are all totally sick of reading about it, but today I have to commend those who go full force into recovery; especially those who jump in with both feet while working, taking care of their families, etc.
I don’t know if it’s the wrap up of the school year and the additional tasks that are popping up because of that, stress outside of my job, the low I sometimes experience when I come home after a nice long weekend away? I can’t really pin-point exactly WHY, but I am in a major funk.
I am normally a people-person and the aspect of my occupation that I like the most is the interaction with my fellow employees and the students.
Sometimes I will even just venture out into the halls to make package deliveries so I can see something other than the four walls of my office and a computer screen, but Monday I shut my door and basically growled at anyone that came within five feet of me.
I was so moody and that is absolutely not like me. I even responded to one of my favorite secretaries, when she asked how Ryan and my trip went, that it “sucks to be home.” She looked at me, almost shocked, and I was totally embarrassed at how rude I was, but even an apology didn’t seem like it made up for my brash remark.
Not that this is an excuse but I think I am just ridiculously fatigued.
I don’t sleep well. I wake up at 4 am without my alarm clock. I feel worthless when I am not productive after school because I am so sleepy, and I am constantly angry about something; whether it be actually following my meal plan in a recovery-based way, because then, of course, I am out of control and fat, or when I skimp on a few things here and there/spend a few extra minutes on the treadmill because then Ryan gets mad and takes away things I enjoy.
You guys know this already, but in my mind, in any ED mind, no one ever wins.
Well Wednesday morning I about had it.
I shot out of bed at 3:30 am like a canon, eyes wide awake and stomach already starting to grumble , and since my alarm was going to go off soon anyway some portion of my brain thought it would be a good idea to just start my day.
At about 4:30 I started to crash, but knew I had an entire day at school, plus a doctor appointment 45 minutes away right after, and wouldn’t be home until past 6:00 PM. I was dreading the length and monotony of entering budget figures into charts for more than eight hours, but what other choice did I have?
Then, I ate more than my ED voice thought was necessary, at pretty much all my meals, and just felt like complete shit.
I know that recovery isn’t supposed to be easy, nor did anyone give me the illusion that it was going to be stars and rainbows, but I am just sick of it.
It is weeks like this that just make me want to go back to running many miles and follow a smaller menu plan, because at least my mind will be a little more quiet on days like Wednesday where my eyes could barely stay open and I was too consumed by negative self-talk from my food intake.
A part of me would just like to focus on getting well, stay cooped up in my house until I could be more normal in the real world, but for now I am a full-time business manager, wife, sister, try-to-be-good friend, and on the journey to get well, which is leaving me totally exhausted and freakin’ miserable.
I really need a little PTG in my life today, and the focus on the many blessings God has given me, but sometimes that is so much easier said than done.
Fake it ‘till you make it, CJ. Sometimes that is exactly what you have to do to get through the down times in order to finally reach the top, which from what I keep hearing, is a pretty amazing view 🙂
Edited WAY later in the night:
Ok, I realize I was a total debbie downer just a few sentences ago, and to be honest, I think that is ok because everyone has good and bad days…heck, good and bad moments! BUT I just got home from a much-needed appointment with my dietician and she was an amazing help in shifting my mood.
I have to give the woman credit…she is fabulous at helping reframe, even if she doesn’t know she is doing it.
Instead of dwelling on how mad I am I can’t run, and how uncomfortable and “ugly” my ridiculously swollen legs STILL are….
I am going to focus on the fact that I am EXTREMELY appreciative that I have the use of my limbs, can walk freely and still have the ability to be more active in the future…no pun intended, the ball is totally in my court!
Instead of being pissed off that I am so freakin’ hungry I feel out of control and fat…
I am going to look at it as if my metabolism is becoming repaired and it makes following a meal plan much easier when you are not physically stuffed to the gills! Bring on the snacks!
Instead of ruminating on how tired I am…
Perhaps I should take advantage of this weekend, which is projected to be rainy and cold 😦 to keep my schedule open, relax on the couch with Ryan, catching up on the DVR and snuggling close.
Yup, those few things make me feel so much better than the unhappy words I wrote earlier.
Do you find it helpful to reframe?! I would love to hear YOUR positive thought of the day!!! 🙂