Ok, so I told you yesterday despite the delicious eats, for the most part great weather, really fun activities and scenic views, our weekend was not one hundred without a hitch.
Ryan and I had a tremendous time but there were a few things I know he would have changed, and on some I agree, if we could do it over.
1. We have very few pictures.
A few years ago when we traveled, we took pictures of EVERYTHING! I have boxes full of prints where one of us is holding the camera out with our arm as we snapped a shot of whatever fun the two of us were having.
We don’t really do that anymore.
Not because we don’t think where we are or what we are doing is interesting, but because of embarrassment.
This trip I was extremely hesitant to post my Fit Approach picture because my edema continued Thursday and Friday and was particularly uncomfortable/large due to sitting in the car and the humidity.
I kept thinking “Omg my calves are huge! How could I ever let Ryan capture this moment where I look like such a ginormous whale! And what would ever possess me to put this on the Fit Approach facebook page?!”
But then I rationalized; water retention is not real weight, most people probably don’t care that there are a few extra pounds on my limbs, and the whole idea behind Fit Approach is getting out and sweating in style. Hiking to a gorgeous piece of history next to the one I love; that is pretty freakin’ cool.
And then there are times when we don’t take pictures because Ryan is embarrassed of how gaunt, pale and sick I can appear.
We took a cruise to central America for my birthday last summer, where we zip-lined, swam with beautiful fish, saw the wildlife of Honduras, and dressed up in some of our favorite formal wear, but we took maybe 10 photos.
Apparently me in a bathing suit was not the most appealing site so we often left the camera in the backpack.
Like many things about my disorder, I can’t ever win.
But despite proper documentation, we made some amazing memories that I will hold onto forever.
2. My need to do solo exercise pre-Ryan wake up.
Did you know most Bed&Breakfasts don’t have gyms?
They don’t and surprisingly I didn’t really think about this until last week when I noticed the weather might be chillier in the morning…a little cooler than I prefer it to do my normal a.m. routine….hence my relationship with the treadmill.
I had wicked anxiety about this considering our lack of food plans and I secretly pondered over my options.
I knew I could take my Garmin and log the miles my warped brain considers appropriate, but there was still the question of weather (now the very accurate internet was predicting rain!) and if the lack of incline would be sufficient considering the gobs of non-CJ-prepared meals I had to eat.
I am sad to admit that I did take my Garmin and trek around Charlottesville before the sun even though I knew we had some pretty hefty activity planned when my husband rose.
It was beautiful to see the campus of UVA nearly empty, under the blue and pink sky that can only be enjoyed in the early part of the day, but I don’t know if I can answer whether or not I would done my normal duration without a loud ED voice to contend with?
Ryan was definitely displeased with my actions Friday, when at the end of the day we realized without including my solo-stroll, we logged nearly 15 miles between Monticello, our walks into and around town, and to Klockner stadium.
That is probably more than my body needed, and we were both definitely sore the next two days.
3. The lack of a structured meal plan.
We absolutely ate three meals, and had relatively routine snacks, BUT it is hard for us to keep track of exchanges when we are dining in non-chain restaurants where nutrition information is not published or readily available. In fact, nothing we consumed this weekend came from a package so precise measurements or numerical figures were completely absent from my life.
A part of me really liked this. I was somewhat free and had delicious, fresh, healthy food! But the sick portion of my brain went wild! I constantly questioned whether I needed as much as the establishment put on my plate. I feared the unknown ingredients chefs were “contaminating” my choices with.
But Ryan worried I wasn’t getting enough for our additional activity and second guessed my stomach’s capacity to gauge what it truly needed.
He was proud of my out-of-the-box selections (hello Panini with feta!) and the fact that I told him I was hungry after our first, extremely long, Monticello trek, but sometimes he wished I could just override my fullness cues and my brains racing thoughts to continue eating, or opt for more calorie-dense varieties.
Like I said, we had an amazing time, and a weekend both of us agreed was one of the best in a very long time. We laughed, we joked, we hugged and cuddled way more than our stressful nights at home, but the pesky ED was always lurking somewhere waiting to interject at any moment.
Even when a person is recovery-focused and doing the right things, it is hard to plan a whimsical care-free getaway without packing excess snacks, spending unnecessary money on the “extras,” or being mindful of the activities in which you engage, because heaven forbid they were too strenuous and caused an excess in energy expenditure.
I miss our trips where food and exercise weren’t the focus, and despite the fact that yes, this weekend that emphasis was diminished, I cannot wait for the day when it is completely gone.