“Fat is not a feeling.”
I can’t tell you how many times I have heard that in the past four years.
Counselors, therapists, techs, dieticians, even Ryan, have adopted the phrase to throw back at me when I am whining about my recovery, because I often use the “f” work to describe what is on my mind.
But in my warped and contorted way of thinking, the statement is true.
Any time I attempt “real” recovery, my body feels large and very uncomfortable, which to me equates to fat. What all these professionals and my loved ones are alluding to, is there is something behind the body image that can cause, or aid in the persistence of what I construe as a physical “problem.”
They are right in a sense, because many times, the negativity that I associate with being larger than I wish stems from an outside influence or situation that stirs up the ED monster in my brain to put me down.
I screw up at work…I am a fat loser that can’t do anything right.
I am not immediately accepted by a group of people, or I feel rejected….its because I am fat.
Someone is looking at me and I get seriously paranoid…WHOA I MUST LOOK SO FAT!
Why does it always turn back to a weight issue?!
After receiving a comment from a friend, and doing a bit of self-exploration, I realized maybe feeling obese, even though it is a pretty freakin’ miserable thought, is better than facing real emotions.
I am not very experienced when it comes to discussing or sorting through the raw stuff that comes up inside, because any time I have gotten close to doing the mental/emotional component of becoming more whole. I get about halfway there and shut down.
If you asked me what I was feeling on any particular day, I would probably tell you “good, fine,” anything along those lines, because that is what I have convinced myself.
I really don’t have highs and lows, until it comes to my weight, which is not normal, nor is it how I want to be.
Sure, I think a lot of people deal with feeling one way or another about their physiques; has good days and bad when they look in the mirror. I think that is pretty typical, but I don’t think those are the only emotions they can comprehend and communicate.
Unfortunately for me, I sometimes think that is pretty much it.
Sadness and anger comes when I feel disgusting, bloated and HUGE….and the excessive weight gain perception, if I really had to think about it, is generally a follow-up to someone hurting my feelings.
Content or feeling “ok” I recognize as days when ED isn’t totally screaming at me from morning until night, not because I am relaxed, did something nice for myself, etc.
And happiness. Yes I think I feel joy, and appreciate all the wonderful things God has given me (I have an amazing family and life overall, I will never deny that) but isn’t your heart supposed to be able to identify honest to goodness bliss?
I feel kind of pathetic saying I don’t know if I can?!
Maybe there is absolutely no validity in this, and I am sure I am confusing the heck out of all of you, but what I have noticed is that I don’t really talk about many serious things other than physical health related issues.
My family, which is a bit different and absolutely worthy of more posts considering they are a major, MAJOR, part of my existence, don’t get much mention because I don’t like airing my dirty laundry, nor do I like delving into the past as much as I would have to to properly explain.
Maybe there are things I would like to avoid thinking about? Perhaps due to pain or hurt that I felt before and would rather not relive?
Like I said, I am not one hundred percent sure where my head, or my heart currently is, other than focused on the water weight that is still taking over my body, and the impending x amount of pounds I have to gain, but I think effective communication of my emotions is going to be essential to getting well.
I do smile. I do sometimes cry. I laugh and get mad, and curse up a storm when I am annoyed, but most days I feel so flat, and that doesn’t seem like any way to live.
Simply existing is not my goal.
I want to have a good belly-laugh where I am rolling on the floor, or a cry where I just can’t stop because it feels so good to let it all out.
Is that weird?
I hope not, because life without a genuine smile and an open heart seems kind of lame.