I envy my husband for sometimes being able to sleep in like he is back in college.
This can translate into him having breakfast, when I am already on my lunch, because his body is just not hungry right when it wakes up.
I am the opposite and always have been.
Morning is probably the time I am MOST hungry, and we got into an interesting conversation the other day as he was headed off to work…having just had a bowl of frosted mini-wheats, tossing a blueberry bagel in his backpack along with his lunch.
“I need something for the road.”
I have to admit, this made me feel a bit better about the bagel I had the goal of eating that day, so I appreciated his choice.
When he got home that night we started talking about hunger, and my immense fear of the appetite that is relatively new to me.
I am not one of those who used to restrict and say, “well I was never hungry anyway, so it wasn’t that hard.”
For those out there who did not experience any sort of ravenous clawing at their stomachs as they limited their intake, I just don’t know how that is possible.
I certainly got good at ignoring the pains and incessant grumbles that were there to remind me of my malnourished state, but if I was really honest with myself and all of you, the majority of time I was ready to eat my arm, I was that famished.
Now that I am feeding myself, I am SHOCKED at how much I can easily put away in a day without feeling excessively full.
There are times I am satisfied, mentally stuffed, and definitely bloated, but it is not difficult for me to reach 2000 calories in the physical sense.
To be more clear, my personal, tentative meal plan, is a minimum of 2500, and that is not super challenging physically if I do not gorge myself with water, a ton of veggies and fruits, and the 48560486 cans of seltzer I am used to, but mentally, holy shmoly I tend to have a panic attack when I reach a certain point.
Then I start to question…
Do I really need to have as big of a night-time snack?
I can gain on less than this.
2500 is way too fast!
*Please keep in mind this is rational CJ talking from this point on…
Past experience does not prove that 2500 makes me gain OVERLY fast.
In fact, it was pretty darn slow according to my family, treatment team, and any other person who has a logical brain.
Some weeks it would be up more than others, but that is pretty natural with ANYONE, as the body fluctuates throughout the day, at certain times of the month, etc.
So it isn’t as if 2500 is going to make me balloon up overnight or be at my goal weight, really, anytime in the near future, but regardless of my previous efforts in recovery, I always think it is going to be different, forgetting the reality and put on the breaks because I am scared of change.
This isn’t anything you don’t already know. I mean, hello, there is obviously something, or a bunch of things, holding me back, or I would be way farther along in my process by now, but the truth is, my body CRAVES recovery calories.
As soon as it gets the signal that it might get them, or somewhere close to them, it DEMANDS that they are consumed.
This is something I also remember from the last 85648684 attempts I have had at following an appropriate meal plan, but it is still incredibly terrifying.
Ryan was trying to assure me of how “normal” my body is reacting to my recent nourishment after the “bagel to-go” morning, because he said, if he eats breakfast before work, he is ravenous all day!
He is moving, busy, burning lots of energy and his metabolism is revved by food he gave it right off the bat, so his appetite is often much bigger than days when he skips breakfast or wakes up around noon and only gets to his first meal at a leisurely pace.
When he gives his body fuel it is more efficient and responsive, and therefore needs MORE!
That sounds just like me!!!
I am so damn hungry right now…like I said this weekend, it was sometimes every 2 hours I was ready for MORE…and perhaps that is because my engine is ready to start again!
You may or may not have heard of hyper metabolism; something many those in recovery experience when they enter inpatient facilities and are fed larger quantities of nutrient dense foods, because their bodies go into overdrive to repair, heal and LIVE, that they require immense amounts to gain or even maintain their weight.
I am not in a hyper metabolic state right now, because I am not providing myself with THAT much, but it is a fact that your body is kind of like a car.
It requires fuel to function, and without it, it can only really coast. It conserves any resource it has or gets because it doesn’t want to die, but when it has what it needs it can work pretty effectively, speedily, and WAKES UP.
I might be in the jump-start stage where I just need a bit more gas to get going and that COULD be why I am so hungry.
Of course this is just a guess, but it does provide a little comfort about my ferocious appetite.
But, since I am trying to make recovery as tolerable as possible, why not celebrate Jenn’s good old tradition of What I Ate Wednesday, by having a little fun?!
Here is What I WISH I Was Eating Wednesday, if there was no ED voice, and I had access to all the delicious things I have seen floating around the blog world lately…
…preferably made into some french toast with fresh fruit like I made for Ryan this summer…
Awhile ago, my “local” (I drive an hour for their delicious products!!!!) Great Harvest sent me a loaf of their signature bread.
Oh my gosh, it was heavenly.
Unfortunately we only ever make it that way on weekends, and Mainline Crunch is featured Mondays, so I rarely ever get to have this in my bread box, but last week, when Ryan and I were picking up his Easter bread, I was totally hoping they would have MLC specially for the holiday.
Sadly not 😦
But, next weekend I will be in Charlottesville for a little romantic getaway with Ryan, and my great friend Lauren raves about the C-Ville Crunch at Kath’s bakery, so I am just praying to get my hands on some to satisfy my craving.
Smeared with some Fresh-a-Peel Pumpkin hummus, or the next item I am totally dying to try…wow, the combo might be unbeatable.
Yes, PB Crave, you sound like you would be delicious on pretty much anything.
I need to just order some of this already.
I have 4 open jars of various nut butters in my pantry, so I really wanted to wait until they were finished before I purchased any more, but I keep seeing this pop up everywhere!!!
It is as if it is calling my name to buy it!
My indecisiveness does not make it any easier because I cannot for the life of me figure out which to try first, but how good do these concoctions sound?! Cookie Nookie?! YES PLEASE!
And wouldn’t that taste amazing as a topper for some TCBY Frozen Yogurt?!
Healthy Diva I swear you introduce me to so many things! When I saw this on your blog a few weeks ago, I couldn’t help but think of the many memories I have going to TCBY with my mom, getting the white chocolate soft serve in a cone, and being so happy…until it closed when I was about six years old and I haven’t been able to find a store since!
Now I just might be able to have a little fro-yo anytime I want. I am a soft serve girl at heart, but that’s what the microwave and a few twirls of my spoon are for!
And finally, Ryan did pick this out at Trader Joes this week, and although it would not have initially caught my eye, it is pretty darn good; Monkey Business Trek Mix.
Dried Bananas, cocoa nibs, dried cherries and peanuts…sweet and salty amazing-ness.
I had never had a dried banana, but they are delectable, so obviously when they are paired with a little chocolate, it is absolutely fantastic and a great mid-afternoon pick me up for when my energy is starting to drag. Anyone else get like that after a holiday break?
I would also like to re-stock that Pumpkin Hummus I mentioned above, since that was devoured in less than a week, and a few other items that I will save for next week, but I leave you with a question…
If you could have anything in the world to eat, right this very second, what would be on your wish list?
Hooray for short weeks!