Ryan’s Goal

In our home, we set a goal for the day, and lately, I have been turning to Ryan to help me determine what is appropriate, since when it is totally up to me, I tend to pick things that aren’t super challenging.

Shocking, I know, but many times the daily aspirations have to do with trying a new food, cutting down on physical activity, you know, the more obvious elements to my recovery that I tend to do poorly with, but last night he surprised me with a request.

“CJ I need you to work on acceptance.”

Immediately I knew what he meant.

I have been to embarrassed to discuss the reasons why, but this weekend sucked.

With less structure due to four days off work, and me actually permitting food to enter my body that is truly desired rather than Ed safe, a biological shift has happened that makes me incredibly uncomfortable.

If you are familiar with the site I frequently reference, Gwyneth has defined reactive eating and extreme hunger numerous times. I cannot really tell you which I am currently experiencing, but either way, my appetite this weekend was INSANE, and there really is no sign that it is letting up.

I wake in the middle of the night so hungry I cannot sleep. (Just in case you are wondering I do eat at this time as much as I hate to admit it…cereal, or pumpkin Vita Tops have been my choices 😦 )

And I have cravings for food that makes complete sense due to my need for nutrition; glasses of milk, roasted vegetables, meat, eggs, nut butters, etc, but the amount it takes for me to feel full right now seems astronomical!

If you couple that with my inability to stay awake for an entire day, you can probably imagine I am ready to crawl out of my skin.

Naps did not used to be in my vocabulary.

They were a waste of time, not an effective way of burning calories, lazy, and totally unnecessary in my world, but since I haven’t been at school, every day around 2:00 PM my body says, “lay down because you cannot keep your eyes open!”

And this is after I sleep in way past my normal 4:00 AM wake up time!! (I go back to bed after my mid-sleep-time snack).

I have been listening; laying down when I can no longer stand it and sleeping for about 45 minutes to an hour, but when I wake up I am cursing myself for being so lethargic when I am finally ensuring I have the adequate amount of calories for energy!

What the heck is wrong with me?! I keep thinking…

So of course I have been visibly struggling with these changes, as my husband picks up on and he repeatedly tries to tell me how “normal” this is when my body needs so much repair; how this is temporary and will slow down as I get farther in the process, but I need to trust and continue to listen, or biologically my body will never be able to trust me and become healthy/less obsessive.

This has to be frustrating to him; that I need reassurance almost every two hours since that is how often I seem to be putting something into my stomach, so his goal for me to become more accepting of the journey, and understanding of how sick I have made myself, is completely valid.

I need to BELIEVE that my body deserves the healing, not criticize it for being lazy and fat.

I need to envision a future of happiness, not obesity and a forever long feeding frenzy.

I need to take some ownership of my needs, and stop questioning my instincts, and no pun intended, my gut, because it seems to just make me shy away from doing the “right” things, like following my enormous hunger cues.

Although an increased intake and a reduction in exercise is hard, acknowledging the long way I have to go back toward being well, might just be the hardest reality to face.

I don’t know if I have actually admitted my “problem” wholeheartedly, and that is probably what the base of all the difficulties are.

It is challenging to implement new, positive, behaviors when you are still not convinced the old ones are an issue. So my task for today is truly to see the fault in an Ed way of life and STOP judging the natural cry for what I physically need.

So I want a peanut butter sandwich at 9:00 am when I had breakfast at 7:00. I think there are worse things in the world.


9 thoughts on “Ryan’s Goal

  1. You are blessed to feel hunger, not feel full, and have no digestive issues….and yet you won’t eat more? Aren’t you on 2500 meal plan I think? (personally, I think at your age, it can be tons more, but I digress).
    You aren’t eating enough or structured or in a routine during the day (at least you weren’t before) , so therefore you aren’t even consistenly meeting your needs.

    And NO you aren’t even reactive eating because reactive eating requires you ACTUALLY eat it…all of it, a lot of it.
    I eat excess late night but that is due to differing reasons than reactive (linked to my past and current stuff and mentality). BUT I wish you would reactive eat…to know that you can indeed survive. How many nights will you just dream about food and wonder why?
    Isn’t it obvious? You are not eating enough.
    I hope that you finally get on a CONSISTENT plan. I know you don’t like following plans as such, but don’t you think you need one for at least a few months or a year? To actually make progress this time? To actually get somewhere and to a point where you can think more clearly and not have family members approach you in utter concern? To not cry if your sandwich iincludes cheese? A plan that you absolutely follow no matter what + eating extra. YES, eating MORe than the plan requires (wheneve you think you need or want it). Just use the plan as a minimum that must be met.
    Just suggestions.
    But I’m frustrated becaue you aren’t even reactive eating and there are people (like me) that actually eat this stuff hugely when thought about it. Not just sit there and wonder why..
    I can’t believe you actually never feel full…or you feel hunger…you are LUCKY to have those experiences, don’t take them for granted. Use them to your advantage.

    • I hope YOU are doing better. I know I am, listening to my body and increasing my intake. As blessed as I am to have hunger etc. I’m sure you know how scary that is.

  2. “So I want a peanut butter sandwich at 9:00 am when I had breakfast at 7:00. I think there are worse things in the world.”

    Yes! There ARE worse things in the world. Like NOT being able to have that glorious peanut butter sandwhich you can’t get your mind off of or that your body truly needs and desires.

    You should focus on the good things you feel from eating — like the taste of what you’re eating, for example. Eating should not be forced and hated; you should celebrate the fact that you are becoming a healthy individual and that your body is finally being respected and comforted 🙂

  3. I remember exactly what you are going through, CJ! I would wake up in the night starving and eat dry cereal or a banana, go back to bed, and wake up needing breakfast and then more food two hours later. Your body is tired because it is working SO HARD to process and digest (with a broken system) all of these precious new nutrients it has been deprived of for so long. You’ll just have to accept that the ED thoughts won’t go away for a long long time, but you can still feed and nourish your deserving self with what it needs. It’s OK to be ravishingly hungry, it’s OK that you might feel like a slob after eating. With every bite say to yourself “I deserve to be well, I deserve to be happy, I want to live!” Positive affirmations helped me tremendously. As did a little book… Look up “Meal by Meal”. Great little book to read and calm yourself before eating! Keep up the good work CJ, you have so much to offer this world and take little bites, one step at a time!

  4. i love that last line! 🙂 i am struggling with the same things and just ate a big chocolate protein bar after I had a full dinner simply because I was craving it and even though i had already had one at lunch haha. So what!! there are worse things in the world and we move on and enjoy the moment of whatever it is that we wanted and not beat ourselves up about it.

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