In our home, we set a goal for the day, and lately, I have been turning to Ryan to help me determine what is appropriate, since when it is totally up to me, I tend to pick things that aren’t super challenging.
Shocking, I know, but many times the daily aspirations have to do with trying a new food, cutting down on physical activity, you know, the more obvious elements to my recovery that I tend to do poorly with, but last night he surprised me with a request.
“CJ I need you to work on acceptance.”
Immediately I knew what he meant.
I have been to embarrassed to discuss the reasons why, but this weekend sucked.
With less structure due to four days off work, and me actually permitting food to enter my body that is truly desired rather than Ed safe, a biological shift has happened that makes me incredibly uncomfortable.
If you are familiar with the site I frequently reference, Gwyneth has defined reactive eating and extreme hunger numerous times. I cannot really tell you which I am currently experiencing, but either way, my appetite this weekend was INSANE, and there really is no sign that it is letting up.
I wake in the middle of the night so hungry I cannot sleep. (Just in case you are wondering I do eat at this time as much as I hate to admit it…cereal, or pumpkin Vita Tops have been my choices 😦 )
And I have cravings for food that makes complete sense due to my need for nutrition; glasses of milk, roasted vegetables, meat, eggs, nut butters, etc, but the amount it takes for me to feel full right now seems astronomical!
If you couple that with my inability to stay awake for an entire day, you can probably imagine I am ready to crawl out of my skin.
Naps did not used to be in my vocabulary.
They were a waste of time, not an effective way of burning calories, lazy, and totally unnecessary in my world, but since I haven’t been at school, every day around 2:00 PM my body says, “lay down because you cannot keep your eyes open!”
And this is after I sleep in way past my normal 4:00 AM wake up time!! (I go back to bed after my mid-sleep-time snack).
I have been listening; laying down when I can no longer stand it and sleeping for about 45 minutes to an hour, but when I wake up I am cursing myself for being so lethargic when I am finally ensuring I have the adequate amount of calories for energy!
What the heck is wrong with me?! I keep thinking…
So of course I have been visibly struggling with these changes, as my husband picks up on and he repeatedly tries to tell me how “normal” this is when my body needs so much repair; how this is temporary and will slow down as I get farther in the process, but I need to trust and continue to listen, or biologically my body will never be able to trust me and become healthy/less obsessive.
This has to be frustrating to him; that I need reassurance almost every two hours since that is how often I seem to be putting something into my stomach, so his goal for me to become more accepting of the journey, and understanding of how sick I have made myself, is completely valid.
I need to BELIEVE that my body deserves the healing, not criticize it for being lazy and fat.
I need to envision a future of happiness, not obesity and a forever long feeding frenzy.
I need to take some ownership of my needs, and stop questioning my instincts, and no pun intended, my gut, because it seems to just make me shy away from doing the “right” things, like following my enormous hunger cues.
Although an increased intake and a reduction in exercise is hard, acknowledging the long way I have to go back toward being well, might just be the hardest reality to face.
I don’t know if I have actually admitted my “problem” wholeheartedly, and that is probably what the base of all the difficulties are.
It is challenging to implement new, positive, behaviors when you are still not convinced the old ones are an issue. So my task for today is truly to see the fault in an Ed way of life and STOP judging the natural cry for what I physically need.
So I want a peanut butter sandwich at 9:00 am when I had breakfast at 7:00. I think there are worse things in the world.