I am a big fan of Joel Osteen.
I know, I know; A lot of people have issues with “televangelist” or the mega-churches that are pretty popular today, stating they are illegitimate or just in it for the profits.
I remember sitting in my senior religion class in college and the professor relentlessly put down figures like Ed Young and my beloved Joel, for those very reasons, but I am a firm believer that there is no right or wrong way to worship your God and if someone can find inspiration through a figure on TV, who cares?!
I don’t discuss my faith much on the blog, simply for the fact that I know it can be a pretty touchy subject for some and I would never want to offend anyone when, like I said, worship/spirituality is very personal and there is no wrong way to do it, but last week I started to think about my own relationship with the Lord and it has been pretty shaky since I got sick.
Growing up we went to church regularly, my Grandma loved to tell me Bible stories before she tucked me into bed, and I took pride in the fact that I was the first person in the Sunday School class who could recite all the books in the Old and New Testament in chronological order (I even got a personalized Bible for this, you know!)
But as I got older, schedules grew a little more hectic, and my family no longer attended a service on a weekly basis.
My mom and I started to watch programs on TV Sundays to continue the connection we had, and would read from a daily devotional book, but even that started to go by the wayside when I got into high school, and then as I transitioned into adult hood, was more heavily wrapped up in the ED world, and became increasingly more selfish, religion definitely took the backseat.
I am not proud of this at all, and although I have tried to get back to my faith on numerous occasions the last few years, all attempts have fizzled pretty quickly.
I will pray and then criticize myself for not saying the right things, or asking for too much.
I will feel so much guilt and shame for all the mistakes I have made, pain I have caused, and carelessness I have demonstrated, that I feel like I don’t deserve to be helped by my higher power.
I have all these ridiculous beliefs that are false and detrimental to me not only becoming close to God, but also to my recovery.
So this morning, as I was getting ready to go to brunch, I flipped on the TV and Joel had another 10 minutes to go in his sermon.
This was the prayer…
“Heavenly Father, today I set my heart and mind on You. I choose to trust that You are working behind the scenes on my behalf. I stand strong on Your Word today knowing that victory is on the way in Jesus’ name. Amen!”
He then closed with his traditional speech that a person can get close to the Lord at any time, by asking for forgiveness and opening one’s heart to accept Jesus as the savior.
I am not trying to be all preachy, or convince anyone that Christianity is the right thing for them, but for me, it has always been a comfort and I have shied away from it for far too long.
I am not going to pretend I have put my best effort into recovery, because I haven’t. This long weekend away from work has been the first time I really honored my body by feeding it whatever it wanted, whenever it wanted, which scarcely was nearly every two hours, and it craved foods I was extremely reluctant to have.
I slept more than I thought was necessary, and I sat and read a book even though my mind kept screaming how freakin’ lazy I was being.
The past three days have been the opitimy of discomfort and hell, in my world.
But as Joel’s sermon was saying, God has a plan for me, and through all the ashes, there could be a much brighter future, but it is up to me to trust, and make the changes necessary for that future to happen.
He provides the tools, but cannot do all the work.
Nourishing myself and resting, ironically, is work to me; some of the hardest I have ever had to do, but I need to TRUST that it will be worth it and that my God has given me this path for a reason.
I hope to really consider my values and faith more on the journey toward health and wellness because as much as fitness and nutrition are essential, so is the mind and heart, which sometimes can only truly be healed through spirituality and emotional reflection. Only when all those things come together can a person truly become WHOLE.
I hope everyone else’s Easter started out as positively as mine.
I am definitely struggling with my increased intake, but I don’t want to be a faker anymore, or a person stuck in the perpetual cycle of misery.
Enjoy the holiday, have a great end to the weekend, and God bless.