I am going to be honest and say I felt very conflicted about comments and e-mails I have received the last few days.
As always I am incredibly appreciative that people took the time to read, and reflect on what I wrote, and then provide their insight and opinion on my health and situation.
One of the best things about the blog world is the connections I make and when a bl-iend makes a suggestion for my recovery I try to take into careful consideration and re-evaluate what is truly going on in my world.
The first time I really had to do this was after The Healthy Living Summit when I got a pretty negative e-mail from someone saying things that were very hurtful, particularly about my denial of my problem, but ultimately helped me immensely.
From that point on my recovery efforts became way more authentic and substantial. Before and during the conference I truly thought I was doing the right things and pushing so hard, but from an outsider, or non-ED prospective, I was still pretty wrapped up in addiction.
This person helped me realize I lie to myself a lot. Not intentionally, and I would never intentionally be untruthful to any of you, but sometimes the distortions in my mind seem very real.
My perception of things is totally off and in my alternative universe I consider having a slice of pizza a major feat, even though calorically I need more. My brain says, “OK, CJ, you did great by having that super challenging food, so that is he best effort you can possibly give…who cares if you are a bit short on the meal plan?!”
Reality: it is great to challenge something scary, but that does not negate the numerical amount needed to gain.
Recovery is all-encompassing and multi-faceted, which I guess means you cannot chose to tackle one thing at a time and ignore the others.
Anyway, the reason I am bringing up the summer scenario of being told I was a “recovery-faker,” is because I am questioning if that is the case now.
Like I said…I am not a deliberate phony, but I know I can trick myself into thinking I am doing so fabulously when not much has changed, and what I mean by changed, is an increase in health, weight and happiness.
My treadmill time has decreased; awesome.
My fear food list is getting smaller; great.
My weight is not really going up; fail.
And as much as kicking an ED is not about weight gain or the food, initially, a lot of times it is, because for our loved ones, and medical professionals, it is the only actual gauge they have to measure progress.
So many of you seemed frustrated with me in the recent past and I get it. I am the student I got so upset with during my days in CLIIP; the one that made excuses, wanted everyone to do the work for them, constantly making identical mistakes even though they preached things would be different this time.
Well as Ryan said to me this morning; the definition of insanity is repeating the same thing over and over, expecting different results, and perhaps that is why eating disorders are such mental conditions, because I cannot seem to get out of this rut.
For those of you who have had trouble altering a bad habit but then became successful…do you have any good tips on how to stay motivated, accountable or implement a lasting change?
I seem to stay strong for short periods of time and then get a bit lackadaisical, so although I do have a relatively good arsenal of knowledge as far as what I SHOULD do, maybe ideas on how to “talk myself into” actually doing those things, and sticking with them, could be helpful.
Thanks for always being honest, and encouraging, even if I am incredibly difficult to read.