Saturday night Ryan called me on his way home and asked if I wanted to go to a friend’s house-warming/belated birthday party.
It was 7:30 PM, rainy, I had attended Zumba in the morning and cleaned all day, and to that point had not showered (gross, I know but I was totally going to take one before I went to bed!!!)
I could tell by his tone he wanted to go, but he did not want to stay long due to having a long day at work and having to go back in the morning.
“I just want to go over for an hour, drop off a bottle of wine and congratulate them.”
I kind of panicked, because he would be home soon, I take about 45 minutes to get ready and I am absolutely scared of being around large groups of my peers.
*Not to mention I kept thinking, “oh my gosh what about snack..I am going to be up past my bedtime…what if I don’t wake up and have enough time to exercise….”
I wasn’t always like this. In high school I was in a ton of clubs, had a lot of friends, and maintained a pretty good facade of self-confidence, but overall I didn’t hate myself the way I do now.
So in an effort to get back to a more fulfilling life, I ran upstairs and started the primping process.
I cleaned myself up, but changed my outfit about six times because Ryan helped me realize some of my clothing just doesn’t look so good right now, which caused more anxiety because I just did not LOVE what I was wearing. (Seriously? Big deal.)
When we got there, a ton of cars lined the street.
Take a deep breath, take a deep breath, get out of the car and smile.
I shouldn’t have worried so much because these were all people we grew up with, many of which ironically work at our high school with me, so my insecurities were obviously what was playing into the mental over-drive.
When we walked in the gathering was pretty lively, with lots of beer, food, laughs; normal twenty-something year old fun, and I made my way through the crowd right behind my husband, searching for the host.
She was really busy and I shouldn’t have bothered but I said happy birthday a few times without a response. She didn’t purposefully ignore me but my mind used this as an opportunity to tell me what a loser I was.
Then I found another girl who is actually married to Ryan’s best friend, and I started to get comfortable chatting. She has always put my mind at ease and we have a lot in common, as she also struggles, and our dad’s known one another, so conversation seems easy. It isn’t forced or fake, it just seems “normal.”
When she moved on I sought out a teacher at my school who I really like and have a lot of fun with when we chaperone things together or just have discussions in passing.
She too, makes me feel comfortable, but after a brief few moments I accidentally brought up a work issue that definitely could have waited until monday to be resolved.
Ugh, why couldn’t we just keep talking about facials and massages?! What was the purpose of talking dollar figures and school supplies?!
And then there was a long pause and Ryan thankfully swooped in to talk about the Final Four.
I wont bore you with a drawn out explanation of the next forty-five minutes, but the point is, I feel like a social-idiot.
When you are in kindergarten, you are placed in a classroom with a bunch of other kids. The close quarters make it near impossible not to find SOMEONE to play with.
In secondary education, you have clubs, sports, classes, extracurriculars, multiple places to meet people with similar interests. You may not love the person sitting next to you in home room, but there are other avenues that encourage camaraderie and fraternization.
In the adult world things are a little different.
Of course work provides time to establish relationships; a person could join a group for a specific hobby or participate in activities that introduces them to potential buddies, but it just feels so difficult sometimes.
I don’t think this is the case for everyone.
It was evident last night that there are a great deal of people my age who can simply have a great time just being together.
But if your mind is constantly worrying and anxious about what other’s think, berating yourself for one reason or another, and repeating how boring you are; it makes it pretty hard to just put yourself out there.
If you couple that, with an immense lack of trust (this is a whole nother post entirely) it makes for a very lonely existence.
BUT I think the only way to get more comfortable, and enjoy yourself, is to be who you are, believe that that person is worthy, and relax.
None of these things are easy, but as I have said many times before; nothing worth doing ever is.